Self-value

Here are some questions I believe we can all answer…Have you ever felt like a “loser” because you don’t have that “special” someone? Have you found yourself eating Ben and Jerrys on your couch, watching the romantic movies to remind you what you don’t have? Have you watched your phone countless times to see if he called?  It happens and I know first hand how that feeling constructs your mood, your self-esteem, your value as an overall human being.

We are fed this image of Mr. Right. Kim Kardasian is on the front page of People magazine proclaiming how she is ready for love. We want to find the moment when we become the exceptions instead of the rules. We want to find that sparkling Edward Cullen to protect us from the world. Princes, heroes, the “bad” boys, the loves at first sight…the “sexy” and most wanted men that we cannot live without. Gag.

Instead of reading those self-help books on how to find love, why are we not told that the first love we should have is with ourselves? Why should our happiness be placed on this other person to the point that it manages our value? If he doesn’t call, then he’s the ass that will miss out. If a guy doesn’t find you attractive or hit on you, who the hell cares? This doesn’t mean that love should be totally forgotten, but the point is that we need to value ourselves and not base it on someone else. Not all women may feel this way, but if anyone who has found themselves in this situation, remember this quote: “If any female feels she needs anything beyond herself to legitimate and validate her existence, she is already giving away her power to be self-defining, her agency.” -bell hooks.

So if you find yourself as a Gigi, step away from the phone, facebook, myspace or twitter and realize that you are complete and the only thing missing is the time you wasted waiting for someone else.

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6 Comments

  1. Posted November 15, 2010 at 2:36 am | Permalink

    I just want to thank you for this post. I’ve been feeling like this for… oh, I don’t know, my whole life, but especially since graduating high school, with some of my friends getting married (some the same age as me, some older) and seemingly slapping me in the face with my singleness.

    In spite of society’s view of my singleness, I do value myself. I don’t settle just so I fit someone else’s vision. I am me, and I don’t apologize, because I love me.

    • Posted November 15, 2010 at 8:43 pm | Permalink

      First I’d like to say you’re welcome. I have felt that way for practically my whole life as well. And it sucks. But, I am glad to hear that you do value yourself. I know in high school it was hard for me, especially during prom when girls would be asked by the guys with hallmark written all over it. But now that I am in fourth year of college, I have realized how much I missed out on because I wanted to be wanted. Even though people will slap singleness in your face, at least look at the bright side, you still love yourself and that is empowering! Thank you for sharing that! \

  2. Posted November 15, 2010 at 6:54 am | Permalink

    totally agree!
    though now that I do have a boyfriend (who is not my prince charming, my other half, my mr right or any other cliché), it can sometimes be difficult for me to find the line between being self sufficient, while in a partnership. When all of your ideas about love are from romantic movies and Disney, it’s hard to work out what exactly the real thing is when or if you’ve got it. I never feel like I “need” him, but sometimes feel like I’m supposed to, like if I really loved him I’d feel like I couldn’t live without him. But I know I can. My life wouldn’t fall apart without him.
    And I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t feel a sense of loss. We’re taught from childhood that that we’re owed that kind of love, that one day we’ll fall in love and find someone that completes us, someone that will make us feel filled with happiness, and we’ll know we’ll always want and need that person and they’ll want and need us. It’s in all the movies, songs, stories. is it a lie?

    • Posted November 15, 2010 at 8:50 pm | Permalink

      Well, I can only speak for my own personal opinion in that I wouldn’t call them lies, but social constructions on what love is and how relationships are supposed to be. If you know your’e in love, then that is what you make of it. If it happens to fall in line with what the media or society portrays, then that’s what it is. I don’t think that people are incomplete without that other person. I believe you’re just as complete before and after you are with someone. Love is not just fairy tales and I think that portrayal is often what people just associate love with. Love takes work and partnership. I can’t say what love is but I think through media I can say what it shouldn’t be. Just don’t think you have to be dependent on him. Or that you couldn’t live without him or absolutely need him. I think there should be a point that yeah you’re in love but remembering that youre a person besides him and independent. So if or when you find love, I hope it is something that is lasting because lets face it, divorce and breakups or pretty damn high.

      • Posted November 16, 2010 at 12:26 am | Permalink

        You’re right. It is a social construct. I don’t think I could say that I’m “in love”. I don’t really know what that means any more. That’s what I mean by a sense of loss – something I’ve grown up believing, the social construct of what “to be in love” is, turns out to be incompatible with what I now know to be true – that I’m a whole and sufficient person on my own.
        I’m getting of the track here. I think my point is that if we move the emphasis off of “how to get love” and all those romantic movies and self help books onto “love yourself, you are whole as you are”, we need to acknowledge that it’s going to change our experience of loving another person – we will never have what happens in those movies because that version of love doesn’t include being whole as you are. This will make for more equal partnerships, which in many ways is vastly preferable – but in some ways I can’t help but be a little disappointed that the magic I was taught to believe in all my life isn’t going to happen, even if it is better for me that I know better.

        • Posted November 17, 2010 at 1:12 pm | Permalink

          No I totally agree with you. It is disappointing when you realize that what media sell isn’t complete. Its a product they sell. I think love is a concept I don’t understand yet. Maybe I will “fall in love” with someone, but I know that I fear being “lost” in that person (if that makes any sense). I think love is really just up to the person to figure out and when you know, you know. If that person decides to leave, it’ll hurt, but I know that I was fine before I met that person. I wont die without. I probably sound jaded with this topic. That’s not really what it is, I just know from experience, how i let the desire to have that “special” someone, and it devastated me. I’m glad that i can feel this way now because I am happier and confident in myself. I don’t have a boyfriend, and Im okay with that. I don’t feel like i have less value or that I’m missing out on anything.. I never want to feel that way when i did in high school and my first two years of college.

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