So this will be my first post. Somewhat nervous as articulating anger in a respectful way is difficult. And describing an incredibly complicated situation without making it more confusing is even more so.
It’s been a week since I discovered the depth of my grandfather’s hatred of women. It’s the only way I can put it as anything else makes me feel like I’m downplaying the magnitude of the event. To understand what happened over Christmas (the holidays truly bring out the best in people) it’s important to understand where I come from. My mother is a rape survivor. She is truly one of the strongest people I know due to everything she has been through. Her Catholic (very) upbringing meant that when she found out she was pregnant from that unfortunate turn of events she chose to keep me. My mom has always made me feel loved and wanted despite being thrust into circumstances in which if I had been in her place, I don’t know if I would have done the same thing. Suffice it to say I was raised to be a strong, independent, free thinking woman. I don’t know if she identifies as a feminist, but through it all I was raised as one.
Moving on, two days after Christmas somehow brought up the topic of Julian Assange courtesy of my uncle. The topic of rape is a hot topic in my family and the buttons are usually pushed to get a reaction from my mom. The opinion was then raised that rape usually occurs to women who have somehow been living their lives in such a way that they then deserved to be sexually assaulted. Thank you Grandpa.
Twenty five years later my mom is still a slut who was “asking for it”. I am almost bewildered in my anger. Angry because I know that no one woman ever, ever asks for it. Angry because this my family and I never realized how close to home the misogyny hit. Angry because it did hit so close and I felt ill prepared to respond; that I am still unsure what my reaction should be. How do I begin to have the discussion where I correct misinformation about women to a 70 year old man? Even to the uncle that started it all? The entire event made me realize how deeply entrenched the patriarchy in society is; that somehow women are still property and men can do as they please with us. It made me realize how religious extremism cultivates these ideas and how difficult they can be to unwind.
As a woman and a feminist, I know my hurt and anger is justified. But somehow my stunned self is left wondering which way to turn from this.
5 Comments
I’m sorry you and your mom had such a terrible Christmas family time. I wish I could suggest a way that you could try and change your family’s opinion, but honestly, it does not seem like there is anything that can be done here. From my experience, even very traditional, religious, misogynist, etc. people have some sympathy for rape victims, especially when those victims are close to them. Even along with the “she was asking for it” attitude there is usually something like a “but it was wrong to do that anyway,” or other forms of sympathy and sentiments that she was “punished” more than she “deserved.” People like that could probably be talked to and may be their opinions could be changed. But from your account it seems that at least your uncle and grandfather have no such sympathy, if they specifically bring up the topic of rape, and pose provocative questions. I can only imagine what the past 20 years of Christmases have been like! I am sorry to be expressing such a harsh opinion, but it seems like those family members are not simply misguided or ignorant on these issues. They just sound like bad people. I would suggest you cut ties with them and encourage your mother to do the same. Having common chromosomes just does not seem like enough of a reason to try to salvage this type of relationship.
Indeed, this is not just an extreme viewpoint your Grandfather holds, it is a very dangerous one.
I’m not just seeing ignorance in what you described here, I am seeing deliberate emotional abuse of your mother. You write “The topic of rape is a hot topic in my family and the buttons are usually pushed to get a reaction from my mom.“(emphasis mine). This suggests to me not only that they condone rape (and I second nazza that this is a dangerous viewpoint), but that they are very willfully tormenting your mother, who is a rape survivor.
This is going to sound harsh, but, I don’t know that you can say anything to educate these men or change their minds. If they can not find compassion in their heart for your mother, their own flesh and blood, they’re probably not open to opposing viewpoints from you or anyone else. To both you and your mother I’ll say this–you can’t control who your family members are, but you can in adulthood choose how much involvement, if any, you have with toxic relatives. I know this goes against the grain of what society tells us, that “family is family, no matter what.” But sharing a few strands on DNA with someone doesn’t guarantee that they’ll TREAT you like family should. These men are not treating your mother like family. I had to cut an uncle out of my life for reasons too long to elaborate on here, and I know other people, both women and men, who have had to make the decision to remove themselves from certain family members for their own self-preservation or peace of mind. Maybe you and your mother need to have smaller Christmases among yourselves, or only deal with family members who are caring and supportive. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you find a decision that brings a better life and happier holidays to you both.
I have had family members that think like this as well, and I’m sorry that it was at Christmas, that’s just terrible. I’ve been left as dumbfounded as you describe, and sometimes I think it’s harder to address things like this with family than people you don’t know as well. I wonder if opinions like these can be changed individually, I guess the best way to do that would be trying to move past what society teaches you to the truth about rape: it’s not about women dressing provocatively, or teasing, it’s not about sex, it’s about power. Unfortunately, a lot of people think like your grandpa and society will have to make a lot of changes before we can see a big shift in attitudes about rape.
If this is a common thing, I’d suggest not spending time with your uncle or grandfather.
Outside of that, I think they probably feel angry that they couldn’t protect your mom or felt that they gave the proper advice to protect herself. Heck, when I got into a bad situation all my friends said that I should have known better–of course when a guy invites you back to his place, he expects sex. I was shocked that my close friends didn’t support me. All the responsibility was on me, not the guy. And these friends were not 70 year old men.
I think if you had to say something to them, you could say something like, “I know you are upset this happened, but let’s focus on the future, not the past. Mom and I need your love and support.”
Now, when I say this to my Dad, he gets flustered. “Love and Support” isn’t a simple, concentrate solution. So just keep reminding them until they get it.