I’m a woman who hates men

I admit it–I’m a feminist who hates men. I feel nothing but revulsion, disgust, and distrust for men. I’m that type of woman everyone makes stereotypical jokes about.

I haven’t always hated men. I used to have a high sex drive, and I wanted to get married and have children and a family of my own just like everyone else I knew. In fact, deep down I still wish I could do those things. But I know that just won’t be possible. I didn’t start hating men because I was a feminist who was angry at men for having more rights and privileges than me or because I think women are better than men.  I began hating them because they outright HURT me. Really badly. They have betrayed my trust and damaged my sense of dignity in the worst ways possible. One trusted male friend of mine who I had known for ten years suddenly put drugs in my beverage one evening in an attempt to take advantage of me. When his plan failed because he didn’t put enough drugs in my drink to completely knock me unconscious, he suddenly stopped speaking to me. (Not that I missed his company after I finally realized what he had done.) Another trusted male friend of mine who I had known for many years took advantage of me by suddenly telling me that he had had feelings for me for the past ten years. We had confided to each other often about things going on in our lives, and he told me that if I gave him the chance to date me I would never have to feel sad or hurt ever again. Of course I trusted him, because he was an old friend who I could talk to about anything. Well as soon as we finally slept together for the first time ever, he suddenly and immediately turned on me overnight. He suddenly went from being a friend who cared about me to laughing and bragging to everyone about what a “good lay” I was, calling me a “trick”,  and even telling me “We were never really friends, I just thought you’d be a good lay and I was right. And I was gonna wait as long as it took to get you.” Then he ran off and slept with literally one woman after another after another after another…MULTIPLE  women, some of them other men’s wives & girlfriends…using NO protection. At one point, half a dozen 40-year-old divorced single moms (he’s 28) all thought he was their serious “boyfriend”, unaware that he was making the rounds “servicing” other women all over town. Now he has a couple of illegitimate kids from these reckless liasons (and he isn’t involved in ANY of these children’s lives). At that point, I was no longer a person or even a human being anymore; I was just an object. I was no  better than all the hundreds of other unsuspecting women he had slept with. I was just a dumb fool who got used and tossed aside: a joke.  The utter shock, pain, and humiliation I endured from him doing this to me was unbearable. I realized then that if I couldn’t trust my own friends whom I had known for a decade or longer, then I really couldn’t trust ANYONE. And these are just two examples of the MANY times I have suddenly been abandoned, beytayed, or used by men throughout my life for no apparent reason. I’ve finally learned not to let myself have feelings for any 
man because the chances are high that he will suddenly walk away from me without warning and for no reason. 

I’m not sure what has finally happened to me, but it’s as if the part of my brain that controls my sex drive and physical attraction to men has completely shut off now. I haven’t had a sexual thought in my mind in 4 months. I have no sexual desire or attraction for men whatsoever. I’m extremely uncomfortable being around them. I have forced myself to go on a few blind dates recently, but I’m very fearful and uncomfortable the entire time. I have suddenly decided that I never want to get married and I want to have children by myself through artificial insemination. I make plenty of money and I’ve learned that I’m far better off raising a child all by myself than trying to rely on some immature man-child to help out when he would most likely run out on me and abandon us anyway. The only person I can trust and rely on is ME.  I’m not gay, I just suddenly want to be left the Hell alone and I don’t want to be anywhere near men. I don’t know what is wrong with me or how long this will last. Maybe it’s just my brain’s way of trying to protect me from any future harm? Or maybe I’ve just resigned myself to thinking that no man can be trusted and that it’s best to just stay away from them? I don’t know. Part of me wants to go back to my normal self and enjoy sex again, but the rest of me seems to be telling me to just stay as far away from all men as possible. It would obviously mean a lonely future and life, but maybe it’s better than being abandoned and abused again.

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21 Comments

  1. Posted March 24, 2011 at 2:23 pm | Permalink

    I’m sad that you have been hurt badly enough to feel that way about me and everyone on our planet who shares a gender with me.

    I don’t know what else there is to say that would be helpful. I hope your life makes a turn for the better in the near future, and that if you become willing to interact with other men in any capacity, they are among those men who live up to what you & I would consider a reasonable standard of moral human behavior.

  2. Posted March 24, 2011 at 2:41 pm | Permalink

    I’m sorry you’ve been hurt in the past, but you must realize that not all men are out to hurt. But please listen to Sam here. Here’s a treat for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxWyxwFFgYo

  3. Posted March 24, 2011 at 3:23 pm | Permalink

    I’m wondering if my sudden “shut down” is a form of post-traumatic stress?? This isn’t a conscious choice for me; my brain just won’t let me feel any sexual desire anymore.

    • Posted March 24, 2011 at 6:03 pm | Permalink

      Esmeralda: I know exactly what you are going through. I was very, very badly hurt recently by a man. I have not felt sexual in over six months now. If your sex drive returns, let it.

      If not…I do not agree that it is some type of disorder….it just sounds to me that subconciously, your self-esteem is more prevalent, now. You are a strong person – and this is your body’s way of saying “enough is enough”.

      And I have to respectfully disgaree with Jess and Sam’s comments. It sounds more like they are trying to “diagnose” you or just to perk you up – rather than listen to your pain (especially Sam).

      Sam sounds a little like “Well we are not all the same”…rather than, I hear you…that must have been terrible. Perhaps he can use this as a learning experience for examining his own privilege. Something to learn from – and teach other men about.

      Your mind is just at the stage where it is shutting down your body so you can heal. The guy who hurt me has destroyed me emotionally (especially now as some of his friends are harassing me).

      Part of me also feels like you. Like I should find another partner quickly, just to prove to him that I can. But why should I? He will be the one in the long run who realizes he has screwed up.

      But I have decided now, not to have sex again until I really want to…however long it takes. Unlike him….I retain my dignity.

      Take your time and it will hurt less. Much respect and love to you.

      • Posted March 24, 2011 at 6:30 pm | Permalink

        Esmeralda,

        My apologies if you felt the same way about my comment as K Sturges did.

        I was trying to do my sadly limited best to form a connection with a fellow human and feminist and explain what my personal feelings were.

        If it would have been more helpful for me to remain silent, I am very sorry.

        • Posted March 24, 2011 at 7:35 pm | Permalink

          Sam, I think what you are saying is perfectly valid.

          What happened to the OP is absolutely horrible, and those actions were done to her by men who don’t view women as people. Those men are selfish and entitled and disgusting. I don’t want to belittle the OP’s pain in any way.

          But if a man said “I hate women because this is how they hurt me” I’d want them to know, from the very bottom of my heart, we’re not all the same. No one group of people ever is.

          It’s okay that the OP needs some time. Maybe a long time. And it’s okay to not trust people. I don’t easily trust people either, men or women.

          But I don’t think that Sam is off base here.

          • Posted March 24, 2011 at 10:44 pm | Permalink

            I wish that we still had the option to upvote comments here.

            +1

          • Posted March 25, 2011 at 12:16 pm | Permalink

            alex thank you for supporting Sam. I came here to say something similar but I feel it’s been covered already. I hope the OP finds what she needs to heal and for her life to be exactly the way she desires it to be.

            I had 2 relationships in a row end very badly, both were with people I trusted deeply as they were both close friends. Both ended after they’d been unfaithful. The OP has given me some perspective and perhaps I should feel lucky that my brain hasn’t put myself into an even darker place, but I do still struggle when meeting new potential partners as to how long this person will take to betray a potential relationship. I have “shut down” in the sense that I refuse to date again until I can be sure the next person won’t be inheriting a lot of baggage from my past.

            I do wonder if this is a much more common human experience than one might think, and it’s simply one of those things few people feel able to talk about.

      • Posted March 27, 2011 at 5:10 pm | Permalink

        Esmeralda, I second Sam in apologizing to you for not seeming to take you seriously. Just trying to do my best here, but I suppose we should’ve just let you vent. It’s far more healthier, I know. Probably should’ve stayed silent here

    • Posted March 24, 2011 at 7:28 pm | Permalink

      From what you described it might be a form of PTSD. There is another, similar disease which is considered “less severe” than PTSD. I can’t remember the name off the top of my head, but it has many of the same qualities, is just as disrupting to a patient’s life, but just presents a little differently.

      For the record, BOTH are valid reasons to see a professional psychologist. Especially since you describe your thoughts and feelings as being involuntary. Hatred, anger, anxiety, depression, and feelings of vulnerability and violation are all rational/normal responses to the situation you described. In all honesty, I would be surprised were these feelings lacking, especially given how that 10-year “friend” of yours treated you (gah, if you’ll forgive my pejorative, what a complete and total douche).

      I re-iterate that a professional might be able to help you work through your feelings. It might be that you don’t want to date for a while, or you no longer want to get married and have kids, both of those would be perfectly fine, but it would be nice if those decisions could be made from a position of healing, and not from the depths of hurt.

  4. Posted March 24, 2011 at 7:12 pm | Permalink

    K Sturge, I am soooo glad to know that there are other women out there whose brains and bodies have “shut down” too. Whatever is causing it, I hope it fixes itself soon. As much as I enjoy being “safe” from men, not ever having any sex or sexual thoughts anymore is starting to make me pretty grouchy! I have tried to think naughty thoughts, but my brain simply won’t let me. I can watch a sex scene on TV and not get aroused in the slightest way anymore. The psychological damage these douches have caused me must be profound!!!

  5. Posted March 24, 2011 at 8:58 pm | Permalink

    Esmeralda:

    I cannot tell you how sorry I am for what has happened to you. I know you and I do not know each other at all, but I am terribly sorry for the pain you’ve endured, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

    I can tell you, with complete honesty, I have been in your shoes. I’m going to share my story with you, not to gain any sympathy or compare your pains with my past pains, but to maybe help you and show you that you’re not alone, and that all hope isn’t going to be lost forever.

    My first boyfriend (I was teenager, mind you, and everything is so much worse and so much more intense when you’re young) broke up with me a month before our 1 year anniversary. To this day, I believe it was because I wouldn’t have sex with him. For a first relationship, we lasted a long time, but the pain of knowing that he broke up with me because I wouldn’t have sex with him cut me.

    From that first break-up on came a slew of bad relationships, or what I’d like to call “relation-shits.”

    When I was 21 (7 years after my last REAL relationship) I met a guy at work who tried to abuse me by using control tactics and even change who I was (he was an althetic guy, dating a full-figured woman, and tried to get me to be “healthy” with him, rather than accepting who I was or even asking me if I’d like to be apart of his “healthy” life-style) and get me to sleep with him on the first “date.” I found out, after he left my house to “go pick up a friend,” that he was, in fact, picking up his ex-girlfriend (who we both worked with, who told me the next day that she and him got back together and spent the night having mad, passionate make-up sex). When I called him out on it, he told me to mind my business, and blamed the girl and I for getting caught. After he left the job, he even tried to come back, and was making threats against me to my boss. I was told, if he came to the store, that I was to hide in the bathroom. They were all afraid he’d try to hurt me.

    My second “relation-shit” was with a guy I knew from high school. (This was a year after the previous guy I “dated.”) We’d been friends for a long time. He was in the Army. I saw him through his tour in Iraq, listened to him talk about his problems with his wife, and his son, who was mentally and physically handicapped. I even held his hand while he went through his divorce. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, but I waited until he was divorced before even allowing our friendship to progress. After he left from his visit home to return to Texas, an old friend of mine (and an old girlfriend of his) messaged me and told me that the two of them were talking. I told her that he and I were seeing each other. She told me that he said he wasn’t seeing anyone. That was how I found out how little I meant to him.

    The guy I met after that was from a dating site when I was 23 — again, another year had passed before I tried dating again. We both had issues regarding relationships, and it took us six months to even talk to each other on the phone. We finally met during my college graduation party. The guy looked NOTHING like he did in his pictures: he had fake teeth (that he took out in front of me) and pretty much looked like a semi had run him over. He told my cousin and friends about his drug problems (problems he didn’t tell me about) and got so drunk at my graduation party that he couldn’t drive home. He had to stay with me (I didn’t want to be responsible for him drinking and driving and dying or killing someone). He PUKED all over my couch and walls. I had to clean up a man I didn’t even really know and stay up all night to ensure he didn’t choke on his own vomit. He tried to KISS ME the next day, like everything was okay!

    After that, I went out with a guy who lived in the same apartment complex I lived in. I met him at my “apartment-warming” party with my friends and my room-mate and got set up pretty much on a blind-date. I didn’t WANT to date him, but I had no excuse not to. He was nice enough, so, I gave him a chance. He not only tried to get me into his bedroom after the second date, but when I said no, he also told me, and I quote, “It’s not like I’m going to rape you or anything.”

    All of these “relation-shits” really did a number on me. In college, I was one of the few women in my Women’s Studies classes to have been raised by a man. I almost felt guilty for not being more of a “man-hater,” but my father was my model for how males should behave toward women and treat them. My father was my model for what I WANTED in a man. Someone who loved me, respected me, and accepted me for who I was. Someone who was proud of me, took care of me, and would never think to hurt me. I wanted what my father was in the man I wanted to be with.

    For the longest time, I thought I was asexual. I had NO FEELINGS whatsoever toward men, and that started in high school and pretty much continued until I was 24. I had no REAL passionate feelings, no TRUE sexual feelings — nothing. My body sometimes responded to men, but the feeling either didn’t last long, or my mind wasn’t with my body, and I just felt wrong. I didn’t hate all men as you do, (and I don’t blame you for feeling this way) but I distrusted men so heavily that I couldn’t even think of trying to be with someone. I went out on a few “dates,” but I always went home with a bad feeling in my gut, and something always happened to prove to me that my bad gut feeling was correct. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS trust your gut, girl, because it will NEVER lead you astray!

    One day, my cousin signed me up on a dating site. I had been on a dating site before, so, I was skeptical, and I didn’t think anything would come of it, but it did. I met Pat, the man I have been with for over a year, and found everything I was looking for. We’ve had our problems, as every couple has, but when you get down to the core of it, we absolutely love each other and would do anything for each other. It took me a long time to trust myself with him. He is the first man I have ever been with, fully and completely, not only on an emotional level, but on a mental level and a sexual level. I gave myself to him because I finally TRUSTED myself with him. He was and is my proof — the only proof I’ve ever had — that not all men are the same.

    Any relationship you have comes with risks, and I don’t blame you for not wanting to take any further risk and end up being hurt again. There is no set amount of time that will heal your wounds and you shouldn’t rush yourself into healing. You have to know what you want in a partner and never settle for anything less and never let anyone tell you to settle for less. When you’re ready, you’ll find that man, and everything will (hopefully!) change.

  6. Posted March 24, 2011 at 9:27 pm | Permalink

    Tracy, thank you for sharing. What you described sounds A LOT like what I’ve experienced. I too dated a few guys who tried to dominate and control what I look like and what I do in my spare time. I HATE that!! And I too am now totally asexual. I have gone out on a few blind dates recently, but I don’t really feel good when I do. It’s like I’m always half-expecting them to try to pull some sort of douchey, disgusting stunt (like drug me or pressure me for sex). I’m glad to know I’m not alone in this.

    • Posted March 24, 2011 at 9:56 pm | Permalink

      You’re not alone. I think a lot of women probably feel this way or have experienced this, but I also think a lot of women are either scared or too ashamed to talk about it. Women have been made to feel ashamed of their sexuality and also of their LACK of sexuality since the beginning of time. If you’re too sexual, you’re a slut, and if you’re not sexual enough, you’re a prude. Either way, you lose.

      That was one thing I was sure to let my current boyfriend in on straight away. I told him about my past and I told him I would NOT put up with any of that behavior. I told him I was a virgin (something I’d been made to feel both proud of and ashamed for at 24 years old) and I told him if he had any of those nasty tendancies of my previous “relation-shits,” he could leave. Now, I didn’t tell him this or demand this of him on the first date, mind you (I didn’t want to freak the guy out) but when it became apparent we had genuine feelings for each other, we talked about everything. He told me of his past, I told him of mine, and we came to a middle ground and agreed that the baggage, from then on, would be left at the door. So far, he’s never, not once, made me feel unsafe, and that is something that EVERY woman should treasure in a man.

      My advice to you regarding the dates — if you DO NOT feel comfortable going on dates, DO NOT go on them. You don’t have to pressure yourself or let anyone else pressure you into going on a date. If you want to go out, go out, but try not to go out with the expectation that the guy is out to do you harm. Be guarded, but give him a genuine chance — or as much of a chance as you’re willing and able to give right now. If you’re still uncomfortable, then, leave it — no harm, no foul. When you’re ready, you’ll know it, and you should take as much time as you need to get to that point.

  7. Posted March 25, 2011 at 2:17 am | Permalink

    “I have tried to think naughty thoughts, but my brain simply won’t let me. I can watch a sex scene on TV and not get aroused in the slightest way anymore. The psychological damage these douches have caused me must be profound!”

    I have never been aroused by a sex scene on TV, porn flicks, stripper dancing, whatever. While my life has a number of minor and moderate traumas, these disinterests were a constant throughout. I have sometimes felt arousal from seeing and engaging with certain people, although I also occasionally have erections (although not arousal in the “wanting to” sense) from oversleeping, undersleeping, driving in my old car (it sort of vibrated — it was a rather inconvenient occurrence), my grandmother’s chihuahua curling up on my lap, certain tactile sensations, and for no discernible reason at all. I nominally have an interest in a relationship, but I’m not interested in jumping through hoops to make one happen.

    My situation is not yours. While somewhat of a non-conformist (including with respect to gender roles), I am still a man. I have also had few qualms about masturbating semi-regularly for nearly two decades, so it’s not as if I don’t get off somehow. However, just as someone who has experienced this indifference towards sex media for this long, I think it may be that you are discovering that the sex on TV and in movies is (usually) bullshit. You probably know deep down that lots of men aren’t creeps, but (popular) TV and movies don’t validate your own experience. They perpetuate myths rather than portray reality. Even worse, a large chunk of content that emphasizes sex almost taunts you. Early passions are often rewarded, and even when they are not, it is rare for the man to rub it in the woman’s face (there are some genres where you can find such deplorable behavior well-represented, but many leave it out entirely, and some of the ones that do show it limit themselves to using students).

    These “friends” lied. Your expectations of them lied. You may even feel betrayed by any source (TV, family, whoever) that indicated that relationships would be easier, that as long as you are on good terms with a guy for many years that it’s safe to plunge into a relationship. You are not buying those fantasies anymore. You realize it’s not that simple. By the looks of things, any relationship can turn out horribly wrong. But the existence of so many reasonably successful relationships (amidst countless failures) suggests that while success is not guaranteed, it is possible (and it is probably possible for you as well!)

    Your first order of business is take care of yourself. Enter relationships on your own terms. Don’t set up dates if you are not interested (it’s not fair to the people you are dating). Refuse dates/sex unless you are comfortable and understand the other person’s intentions. Consider what circumstances you would be most comfortable developing a relationship with, and figure out your required guidelines, and stick with them. While you may have had some particularly bad luck with these two guys, you may also want to consider what they may have said and done beforehand that would reasonably suggest their dark motives — did the request to date pop out of nowhere? Did they have a sketchy history (that you may not have known about)? Did they have attitudes about women or other groups that would suggest a lack of respect for people who were different? It’s not to say you will discover anything in particular or that it is your fault for not “figuring it out” before they hurt you. It’s just an exercise that will help you think more critically in future encounters to help make better sense of what are a person’s motivations. If you don’t already, it may be a good idea to follow Dan Savage’s blog (it provides generally-useful relationship advice and also serves as a decent example of how to read between the lines of what people say).

    I guess I have strayed from the original topic, but I think it’s okay to not be turned on by sex on TV. Heck, it’s probably a good thing to not get turned on by just *any* (consensual) sex on TV. If you find what you are watching isn’t doing it for you anymore, try branching off to different genres of shows (this is doubly true if you’re bored of the shows themselves). If you don’t like what one genre offers, try another. Odds are you will find something that will at least entertain you (even if not stimulate you), and whole process should prove at least somewhat educational.

    And for no reason other that to offer a glimpse of what I find entertaining, here is a little video [Mild Seizure Warning] titled “Waka Laka (for Osaka)” that dates back to ~2005. Click if you feel like it.

  8. Posted March 25, 2011 at 5:46 am | Permalink

    Hi Esmarelda,

    You ask what is “wrong” with you, and the answer is that nothing is ‘wrong’ at all! I think your reactions and feelings now and perfectly reasonable and natural considering what you have been through. The amount of replies you have here just shows that you’re not alone and this isn’t an abnormal thing or an illness that makes you sick or weird. It’s nice to see other women sharing their thoughts and similar experiences because this is the type of thing people just don’t talk about and keep silent about, wondering whether they’re alone with this.

    I’ve had sort of similar experiences as you in a way. I don’t hate men, but I am extremely cautious and uncomfortable around them a lot of time and find it difficult to trust them, and well people in general too. I’ve had absolutely no positive male role models in my life which is a shame, I would have loved to have had a caring male around as I grew up. I have a boyfriend now who wants to marry me and stay with me, I want this too but I also don’t want it because I know every single man I’ve been close to has hurt me really badly and I just couldn’t cope with that one more time.

    I’ve never had any grandfathers as they died before I was born. It first started with my father, he was unemployed, depressed and on drugs for as far as I can remember. I’m told this began before I was even born. All I remember about him is that he used to sit around the house with his drug box and be completely out of it, vacant. He was there physically but he wasn’t really there at all. He wasn’t there for me even though we lived together and he wasn’t a ‘dad’, we didn’t talk and I was too scared to even give him a hug or kiss. We weren’t affectionate with each other and he didn’t do things with me like I wanted. He wasn’t like my friends dads and I was jealous of their relationships.

    He began to become schizophrenic from the drugs and go crazy with messages from “God” and blaming my mother for the way he felt. He threw cups and smashed them against the wall in the living room where I was playing. I remember him grabbing my mum and taking her into the kitchen, throwing her down against the floor and keeping her there by force. Mum sent me and my sister upstairs where we heard screaming.

    Mum and dad lived together until I was 13 even though they weren’t ever ‘together’ as far as I can remember. She just put up with his presence for that long. I walked into their bedroom once when I was 11 or 12 and got the door slammed in my face, I was knocked onto the floor and my eyebrow was bruised. I cried. He was wanking to porn in there. I’d seen him before actually doing it. I’d found his giant collection of magazines, womens underwear, vibrators and even one of MY girls magazines.

    Mum ripped all the magazines up and put them in the bin. Cat litter went on top of them. He was really angry. I hated porn because of what it did to dad, mum and me.

    My first boyfriend was addicted to porn. He’d also lie about it, really really well. I believed him and when I found out he was lying that trust went out of the window. He wanted sex lots, we probably did it a few times a day for a while. I began want it less but he was very pushy so we did it anyway. When I decided that when I didn’t feel like it I wasn’t going to just agree to please him, he raped me. He raped me repeatedly, physically and violently. He controlled me emotionally, verbally and hurt and restrained me physically. He took away my personality and my voice, changing me into a version of him. I was completely different back then.

    A similar porn thing happened with my current boyfriend. But it was also people he worked with, went to classes with and people he saw on TV. He’d just go away to the bathroom and wank, even if I was there in the house. He knew how I felt about this, had convinced me he wasn’t that guy (he knew everything about my last boyfriend) he had totally convinced me that he was different and on my ‘side’ with my beliefs and views. When I found out he wasn’t, I think I had a breakdown. I used to scream at the top of my lungs and cry until I was sick. I cut myself a lot until it hurt too much to think about everything. I hit him in the balls.

    I don’t get the same feeling as I used to before I wanted sex. I do have sex now, it just isn’t the same. I just feel like I can never live up to what men want me to be, that the whole idea of sex these days is fake and based off porn, tv and celebs, and that I can’t feel sexy because I’ll never look or act anything like those ‘sexy’ constructions.

    I still have to sleep every night in the room he raped me. I’m always so scared that my trust will be broken again then I won’t even be able to have another relationship. I’d rather be alone, with cats. But I don’t want to be lonely, I do want a man but one I know I can trust. I don’t want to know and feel everything I do right now, I just want it all to go away.

    I think I know how you feel. I’m glad we’re not alone.

  9. Posted March 25, 2011 at 1:47 pm | Permalink

    I’m sorry you have encountered some real douchebags and you are absolutely within your rights to choose to not want to date, be left alone, for as long as you feel fit. I can’t say I think it’s okay to blanketly hate men though based on the actions of certain ones. I mean, a lot of us don’t like it when a guy who’s had a few bad experiences decides he hates all women either.

  10. vexing
    Posted March 27, 2011 at 2:08 am | Permalink

    I feel exactly the same about all cis people, due to the harm and pain they have caused me.

  11. Posted March 28, 2011 at 3:33 am | Permalink

    I think the issue is that we live in a society that tells us either “right or wrong”, “black to white” or “hate or love”. As women we are conditioned to find our worth through a male counterpart. And when we try, over and over again, to find someone who will treat us with respect, and when we aren’t successful, one finally just shuts down. Our way of thinking is that if I don’t like men, then I must be gay. No, that is an untruth. Or just the opposite, when men are in relationships where things go awry, they stop dating and then are assumed they are into men. I think its alright to be alone. We don’t support each other enough when we find ourselves without a partner. Everyone is in such a hurry to match us up with someone that I think it is a detriment to that person. We should help them know they have worth of their own and that its okay not to be with someone. Help them grow in their own autonomy. Our society dictates how and when we should be in a union with another person. I see and hear it all the time, our society functions on the idea of being a couple, which I believe puts undue stress on those who may not find it, which in turn, ostracizes them from the dominant culture. When and if you find that person Esmeralda, just know that you are whole in yourself and that finding your other half is nonsense. That other person should compliment you, not fill that invisible empty space that women have been told to believe in. That also goes for males, too.

  12. Posted January 19, 2013 at 3:56 am | Permalink

    I am so grateful to have found this post. For the last year and a half I’ve suffered in silence, struggling to accept and move beyond the indignities I’ve suffered as a consequence of involving myself with a man. During my entire adolesence, I decidely chose to forgo dating in hopes of exempting myself from the pitfalls of ‘puppy love’…only to become an adult, trust the wrong man and wind up devestated, ashamed and in pain. A lot of the shame stems from the fact that I felt I should have known better. Never having dated, I made the decision to get involved with someone who was already married but supposedly ‘getting a divorce’. That’s right, I fell for the oldest trick in the book, believing that our connection would be the exception and endure. I am not a woman who pursues married men and dates them as a rule, which is why this was all the more difficult to express my pain; in many ways I felt it was deserved. After all, I knew the risks and implications involved; I just never imagined I’d still be dealing with the consequences all this time later, while meanwhile he has repaired his marriage and enjoying the benefits of it. I struggled with hating myself and I still do to this day because I truly believed this man was in a dissolving marriage and open to the possibility of pursuing a new relationship. We were friends initially; and once I realized my attraction to him I truly hated myself. Of all the men in the world, the first I’m attracted to isn’t emotionally available. “What a dumb girl I am”, I thought daily. He told me how it was the third time she’d asked for a divorce, that he was “over the marriage feelings” and couldn’t file the paperwork because he was abroad. He said they’d agreed to date other people and were both aware of each other actively dating. I heard none of this from her. I believed him. During the course of our situation-it wouldn’t fit the definition of relationship-things seemed fine for months, until I noticed he’d rush me from the room at a certain time every Saturday morning. In my heart of hearts, I knew he was contacting her, reconciling. I wouldn’t admit it to myself and never even questioned him because I rationalized that I was getting what I deserved. Although I knew I had been naive and was reliving a cliched failed romance, I was still shocked because of who I thought I had known him to be during the course of our friendship prior to us getting romantically involved. I recall numerous discussions we had about his marriage and I sincerely encouraged him to reconsider, give it time. I was supportive, not the envious , plotting homewrecker who got what she had coming to her. It was never my intention to steal someone’s husband. He pursues me with vigor and certainty which is why I can’t understand why, if he ever had any respect for me in the first place, he would manipulate and use me. I trusted him and shared my own troubles with trusting men with him. He was the first man I slept with. I just knew he wouldn’t betray my trust and he did, but I still feel like it was my own fault. Had I been wiser, I’d have realised that his behavior was questionable from the start and he likely has done this many times before. I’m just grateful to know there is a community of women out there who have also had their trials and can be a source of comfort and solace. Thank you for sharing your story Esmerelda; it gave me the strength to finally state my own without fear or judgment or shame.

  13. Posted August 29, 2013 at 2:44 pm | Permalink

    I’m not a psych, just experienced in getting hurt, so I’ll comment from that point of view…

    Sounds like you’re grieving. When you’ve gone through one big shocking hurt after another, the grief builds up. You may have shut down because you need to take time to recover. Talk to someone, get some succor. You deserve it. You need it.

    Don’t worry too much either, about liking or not-liking men. Seriously, there are so many assholes out there, but there are also the good ones. Chill for a while, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.

    Take care :)

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