This blog is going to be all over the place because I’m in a rut and desperate for release. I feel as thought I’ve lost myself. I’ve always prided myself in being in touch with my identity. I’m beginning to question it all again and it feels like I’m 13 again trying to figure out how to deal with my hormones. I’ll be 22 in April but I already have lost faith in humanity.
I study political science at college and I think that is all where it starts. Everything that I’ve been reading and being lectured about indirectly broaches my low status as a woman, especially a dark-skinned woman. How am I supposed to feel confident with myself when I’m immersed in a culture that doesn’t value my biology? I’ve been pretty down on myself lately and I first I thought it was because I’m struggling to graduate because I’ve wasted my potential here at school. I’m starting to realize it goes deeper than that though, down to the very essence of who I am.
I’ve been reading a lot of material on gender and power structured. I can say I’m not impressed by how entrenched societies are in gender, race, and class oppression. Some readings make me feel as though I’ve been catering to my own oppression by playing into socialized gender roles.
I’ve stopped shaving and it’s causing me severe discomfort, especially with my boyfriend. To be truthful I’ve always scoffed at the idea of a woman with hairy armpits and legs. Now I am covered in unwanted hair and feeling like a leper. What’s worse I’m making my relationship with my boyfriend really awkward. I’ve been distancing myself from him because I don’t feel comfortable exposing my hairy body to him. His idea of a woman is someone who is soft, sweet, warm, and polite. When he met me and fell in love with me I was all of those things. I prescribed to the idea of femininity and beauty as synonymous because that’s how I was raised.
I want to feel beautiful. I want my boyfriend to think I’m beautiful. I can’t help but feeling guilty because he didn’t sign up to be with a woman who doesn’t want to shave. How can I ask him to feel comfortable with my decisions when I don’t even feel comfortable with it? It’s not like I enjoy warring against hair. I consider shaving/waxing/Nair/Veet/ Tweezers the enemy. I hate the stubble, the in-grown hairs, the razor burn, the horrible smell of depilatory creams, the itchiness and dryness, the excruciating pain! BUT WAIT I love the smooth, silkiness. I love the reaction my boyfriend gets from touching the softness. I loved watching him get excited and laughing while looking on over my battles. Can you talk about cognitive dissonance?
On the topic of hair, I hate that I’m ashamed to be seen with my natural hair. I maybe watered-down and Americanized, but my hair is ever true to its African roots. It is thicker and kinkier than one person could every hope for but its healthy. I stopped chemically straightening my hair almost 2 years ago when my beautiful locks I have never appreciated started falling off and breaking by the inches. Within 2 days of using Dr. Miracle’s No Lye Relaxer at least 6 inches of my hair parted from my head. I cried for weeks about, and I still have bitter feelings towards Dr. Miracle’s products. I’ve got a pretty serious fro now, but I hide it behind braided extensions. I can’t rock my giant fro because of the stigma that comes with it. I would not be able to get a professional job or sit in the front row of the movies 
. I fear being categorized even though I already am. Hair is a burden to me.
I’ve got loads more to say but I think I’ll save it for another day. I’m calling out to the proud feminists, help a budding femme. How did you guys deal with the beauty rigmarole? How do those of you in heterosexual relationships work with conflicting attitudes? Do I have to stop shaving to be a proud woman? I feel as though I’m going to have to constantly fight for my sanity for respect that I deserve. I don’t want to live my life fighting. I want my notions of what makes a respectable strong woman, to match my behavior or vice-versa. I guess I’m just looking for someone who can relate. I don’t want to feel so alienated by my own body, my own thoughts.
5 Comments
Hair, hair, hair! I felt the way you do right now when I started taking women’s studies and sociology classes. I was a wreck. EVERYONE was against me because of my gender. As you are learning about various injustices in these political science classes, you will never be able to look at the world the way you did before. Your eyes are opening now. My way to visually show the world I wasn’t about to meet their beauty standards started with not shaving. As the leg hair grew, I couldn’t get it out of my head how gross it looked. Then it just started getting uncomfortable.
This “hair” thing is all that anger you feel toward the world literally rising up. It’s a visual manifestation of the frustration that comes with trying to make an individual feminist stance. Shave if you want to shave! Your beef is with oppression, not with your body. Save your energy for the next time you need to stand up for something you believe in. Live a feminist life. Join a feminist group on campus. Speak up when people are trying to push stereotypical gender roles on you, or other women. Your actions will speak louder than your leg hair.
As for the boyfriend issue, one of the women I met in my own campus feminist group told her boyfriend she didn’t want to shave anymore. I hope he becomes as understanding as my friends boyfriend was. If not, then maybe you should explain to him the unfairness of asking you to cut and burn your body just for him. One of the things about feminism that has stuck with me is that it is YOUR body. It is special and you have the right to do with it as you chose!
I love my body hair as well!
I shave my armpits and legs, but I’ve made a decision to love my hair when it’s there. I mean, it’s just hair. It’s not dirty, it’s not disgusting. It’s just harmless hair. I had to learn to love my hair as well–it took some time, but now I really don’t know what the big deal is!
In short, no you don’t need to stop conforming to be a proud woman. I think it’s great you’ve stopped conforming to the ‘beauty ideal’, if you feel your hair is better and healthier naturally, then why shouldn’t you be allowed to do whatever the hell you like with it without getting judged just because it doesn’t look like most peoples?
I dislike the way darked skinned females are expected to straighten their hair and completely change it with treatments, extensions and bleach, making it look as Caucasian as possible. I think there are elements of both sexism and racism in there and it definitely is not fair. At the end of the day it’s your choice though, if you like bleaching and straightening your hair then there’s nothing wrong with that, if you feel it takes up too much time and it’s an unfair expectation, that there is nothing wrong with your natural hair (there definitely isn’t and I’d like to see Beyonce with an afro again rather than caucasian idealised hair and skin). Then – go for it.
If it makes you feel uncomfortable to be natural and not fit in, if it makes you feel down not to groom and style yourself as the beauty industry wants you too, then again there is nothing wrong with that as long as you realise why you’re doing it.
I wear makeup, I dislike the amount of time and money wasted putting it on, I wish I were comfortable and confident going outside without it on. But because it’s almost an expectation I feel ugly and horrible without it. I realise this isn’t fair and is a product of the beauty industry and is definitely sexist in the way women are meant to look perfect all the time and spend money on makeup, cosmetics, hair care, fashion. However I feel uncomfortable not conforming, so I wear makeup but I realise why I am wearing it and accept my choice.
As for the hair thing, it’s totally ridiculous how everyone thinks it’s disgusting for women to have hair in the places it naturally grows! the porn industry has made having pubes weird and sickening, when in reality women have just about the same amount of pubic hair as men. Men aren’t expected to wax, shave, trim- so why are we? sexism of course. It angers me but at the same time I dislike feeling hairy because people judge me and make me feel ugly and unconfident.
Whatever your choice, it’s your body and right. You can only try explaining it to friends/your boyfriend and tell them the way it makes you feel. Whatever makes you happiest though, I think you should go for it
I started to cry after I started reading my responses. It’s just hair, that’s a concept I’ve struggled with my whole life, I need to get over it! It’s easier said than done but I will overcome it. I have to, it’s holding me back and it’s so minute compared to a lot of the other things.
*Michelle F. you are so right about the physical manifestation of my frustrations and anger. I’ve been a whole lot of that and my boyfriend got the raw deal of that
. After I wrote the post, I decided I would talk to him about what’s been going on. I also got it in my head that I would shave to give him and I a chance to say goodbye to my body ever being groomed to perfection as regularly as I had before. Grooming unfortunately took way longer than I intended [b/c of how long it had been seen I took my stance, hahaha sorry], but he was impatient from waiting for me and the situation kind of blew up and out of control. I’m single now, there was way too much tension that had been unresolved but I think it’s kind of funny how the situation went down. Hair literally controlling my life and that BAD relationship is OVER!!!! It was a nasty break-up but I’m going natural and I’m not letting anyone bring me down for it because I’m not going to bring myself down anymore. Or work on it, I’ve got a long way to go but I know I’m going somewhere uncaged 
Thanks ladies.
Honestly I’m not comfortable with the idea of standards being imposed on how women should or shouldn’t look, whether it comes from the mainstream fashion and beauty industry, or done in the name of feminism. If the hair makes you feel “like a leper”, it’s ok to shave it. Maybe somewhere up the road you’ll view it differently, or not, but like Michelle F. said, speaking up for yourself “your actions will speak louder than your body hair!”