Do my emotions devalue my choice?

I may be pregnant. My boyfriend and I had sex on June fourth, and the condom we used broke. I took plan B the next day. And yet, I am still scared and nervous and angry, not at him, but at the society that prevents me from telling anyone, except in an anonymous way on the internet.

If I turn out to be pregnant, I will have an abortion. There is no question about it. My insurance will most likely have to cover the ultrasound portion of the cost. I have enough saved up to cover the procedure itself. But even my pro-choice friends subtly condemn abortion by avowing that they would never have one themselves. This statement leaves women like myself in a bind, where I would be judged to varying degrees of harshness by confiding in anyone at all. They say that they would never kill their baby, that is not a moral choice. It is something a good person would never do, in their eyes, and it allows them to put themselves above the women who need abortions and actually have to make that difficult decision.

And I am even angrier at the state of North Carolina for attempting to legislate my rights away. Last November, they passed the Women’s Right to Know act, which should probably be called the Women Know Nothing Act, and mandated a 24-hour waiting period on all abortions, that physicians perform an ultrasound, read a script, and provide women with the opportunity to listen to the fetal heartbeat. It is an infringement on my right to control my body and it’s insulting to institute measures to “making me think about what I’m doing.” That was what our parents did when we misbehaved as children. Sent us to our rooms to think about it. And I am not a child. I am adult woman who votes, attends school, teaches music, and plays Bass with a local symphony. I will have two college degrees in December, but it does not take that to know what I am doing with my body, or that now is not the right time for a child. It is insulting that politicians believe we are incapable of even that.

Finally, I am angry that anti-choicers would mandate their choices for everyone, that they would make tumblrs dedicated to shaming women, that there is a CPC in my town but no abortion provider. I am angry that I must go to Raleigh twice in order to have an abortion. I am angry that most of these laws that claim to educate women about what they are doing by having an abortion are blatant lies, passed by people with no medical knowledge or background. I am angry that politicians can legislate that I be shamed about a private medical decision.

If I am lucky, I will not be pregnant. If I am not lucky, I wish only for the right to make decisions about my own body with out state or societal interference.

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2 Comments

  1. Posted June 13, 2012 at 8:40 am | Permalink

    I want you to know, that a sister is Kentucky has your back – I am in a similar situation here. I have already made up my mind and made a plan that if I do get pregnant, I AM having an abortion, and I am unapologetic about it when friends ask what my plan is if I get pregnant before I am ready. I am fortunate enough to have a clinic downtown (Unfortunately infested with anti-choicers). I am also fortunate enough to have a boyfriend that completely and totally supports that, and we both are in agreement on the plan. My friends, like yours, “support” me in my decision, while making it feel like I am silently judged for something they would never do.
    I am fortunate enough that the representative for our area is fairly liberal, and we’ve not had to endure nearly as many attacks on our reproductive rights as other states (Although I have a feeling it is the calm before the storm). Ironically enough, there is a CPC the next door over from the clinic and another one across the street, which is irritating enough of itself.
    Just know there is someone here who thinks that you are amazing, and supports you in your right to choose.

  2. Posted June 14, 2012 at 10:01 pm | Permalink

    Best of luck to you from here in Brooklyn. And don’t worry, I promise not to be a pro-choicer who tells you’d I’d never get an abortion myself, because of course I would.

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