Recently in Children Category
I went home this weekend for my brother's birthday. My sister is going through the phase where she is curious about her body and wants to know different things. She mistakenly said that she had "nuts" last night and my mother freaked out, and corrected her telling her that she doesn't have "nuts" she has a "teetee". When I asked my mother why she told my sister that she has a "teetee" instead of a vagina she freaked out. My grandmother has already tried to get her to not tell my sister she has a "teetee" instead to call it her "vajayjay". They both got all upset when I told my sister that she has a vulva and to be proud of that. Why do we have to tell little girls the improper names for their body parts? I find no reason why my sister can't know the words vulva and vagina. Do any of you have experience with this and how did you handle it? Also is there any other names that you grew up hearing your vulvas being called?
This is kind of a personal rant, vent, plea, whatever you want to call it. My sister in law is 26 years old and has 4 children. She is intelligent, she tries to be a good mother...but she's broke. So broke, in fact, that she and her children are on the verge of having nowhere to live. She dropped out of high school at 16 and got married to escape an abusive mother who pushed her into all sorts of horrible situations, including telling her to seduce the neighbor's son so that she could date his father or she'd have nowhere to live. (BTW, this situation resulted in her being raped and having an abortion.) Dear old mom signed the papers to allow her to marry before 18. She's worked hard and gotten her GED and is now in school for nursing, but the world is crashing down around her financially and everyone in our family's answer to helping her is...
"If you didn't have so many children, you wouldn't be in this situation." This coming from people who have children themselves and have never wanted for anything in their lives.
They think that she's stupid for trying to go to school, that she should just deal with her lot in life because she "made bad decisions". This is code for "Everyone knows you were a slut in high school." All of her kids are with her husband...
They don't care about the children, they don't care about her...so what do you do? How do you make people care? Why is it that her children are considered a punishment for being "slutty" as a teenager? Why is it acceptable for people to judge women on their sexual past? Why is it acceptable to see children as less important if they are born to women who have been labeled as easy?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?
I recently read post about a old book saying it was meant for boys but girls may like it too. The post and conversation (about chick flicks vs. action movies) got me really thinking of my first in depth thought about sexism as a child.
Mind you, it's not profound nor does it examine all angles as it came from the mind of a 5 year old but I do find it ironic that I was thinking this way and now I'm studying gender inequality in college.
I was raised by my grandmother who was a personal trainer/nutritionist/ aerobics instructor and was very strict about nutrition, yet I surprisingly had a knowing relationship with McDonald's Happy Meals as a child.
Although I was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan, I loved Barbies and Madame Alexander dolls. Every time McDonalds would do a rotation of these toys I would get SOO excited to go "see which one I would get". I remember pulling up to the speaker and my grandma placing the order and they would ask "is the Happy Meal for a boy or a girl?" I never gave it a second thought until one day they didn't ask and I recieved a Hot Wheels car versus rollerblading Barbie. I was a little peeved to not get my Babie but more than that I started thinking...
Why is it that when they offer toys such as Barbie, Madame Alexander, Littlest Pet Shop, etc. (*GIRLS* toys) they ALWAYS have to include an "alternative" for boys?
I thought back to an instance when I got some sort of gun/weapon as a toy in the meal. I think it was to promote a Batman movie or something. I remember my tiny pacificist self being disappointed and wondered why I wasn't given the option of an alternative.
Now I'm not saying that girls can't like Batman (I secretly LOVE the newer movies esp.) and that they should crave Barbies but what the heck type of message is being sent here (and I realize that a lot of you could potentially rip me apart for admitting I liked the "girly toys but try to see that I was just a little girl of the 80's)?
It's still being sent! I thought for sure this would be a thing of the past, but no. I saw an add for a "suspiciously girly" toy on TV the other day and just had to drive by to see if it was being offered as the sole toy. Oh no! You better believe there was some sort of macho toy mashed up with it so that no parent will sue McDonalds for making their son a homosexual. *eye roll*
It was recently announced that Barbie is getting REEL in Cinema, but this is probably not the sort of female film we'd be excited about. In attempts to diversify, Mattel will releasing a feature film all about Barbie. Lots of buzz has been going on in the media about this. Author of the book 'Forever Barbie' even goes as far to say that Barbie may have been the first feminist! Laughable, right? Anyway, check out this video for more info about the release. What do you all think? Will the release of this film be detrimental to young girls?
I'm a young feminist (14) with a brother I love dearly.
Yesterday my father took us to half price books, and as I was checking out the Women's Studies books, my brother comes up to me and whispers in my ear, "Caitlin can you help me find the Dear America books?"
I asked him why he had not just asked a worker. He then said, "Because Dear America books are girl books."
I had and have no idea what to do. Help?
How true are the accusations that the courts favor mothers in custody battles? My own understanding is that these cases should be employing the Bricklin Perceptual Scales (rates parental skills such as ability to get the child to school on time etc) but if MRA's are to be believed, the courts don't utilize these scales.
I want to ask a feminist forum about this. I'm a feminist who can quite easily see the fallacy of many MRA claims (women are gold-diggers, false rape accusers blah blah blah) but this is one claim that I don't know enough about.
I realize I'm setting myself up for some potential MRA insults but it's a question I've been wondering about since I first heard of Fathers for Justice.
By Billie Brown
It’s not a role I ever planned for, but a couple of Mondays ago, I sat in a courtroom in Milledgeville, the seat of Baldwin County, Georgia, and agreed to take legal responsibility for another human being. It happened so gradually and painlessly that when asked if I was willing to accept the guardianship, I almost told the judge no. Panicking, I searched my memory: how did I get here, what does this mean? It certainly scares the daylights out of me, this guardian thing, but I must add that it is also (already) bringing me a certain measure of happiness.
I should mention that my protégée, if that’s the word, has more than her share of issues. Multiple congenital impairments confine her to a wheelchair and severely limit her mobility. At thirty-two years old, she is a high school graduate but reads at about a third-grade level. There is nothing, however, wrong with that razor-sharp mind of hers or her sassy take on the world, which she observes from a place of distant, dry irony.
continue reading at Women's Voices For Change.
I think everyone who has children (and even those who don't) should watch this series of videos recently posted on the Socialogical Images blog.
In an age of rapidly rising numbers of children struggling with obesity, depression, bi-polar disorder, ADD and ADHD, it's easy to see who the culprit is. I especially found it interesting how they described the difference in advertising to boys and girls; girls will be targeted with products that emphasize materialism and beauty while boys will be targeted with products that emphasize violence and dominance.
Watching those videos definitely made me take a good long look at my own childhood.
This just makes me crazy. I'm in the whole "mommy-baby-small-children" universe right now with my life, and I get so tired of the wah-wah crap with fathers being uncomfortable with "girl" diaper bags, baby carriers and other baby gear. Just this morning I was checking out baby carriers for sale on this baby wearing community website and someone was selling a perfectly good carrier that she herself admits she loves because she needs something more gender neutral for the "hubby" to wear. Why are some men so freaked out by "girl" things, pink diaper bags and what not? Why does their sense of masculinity feel so threatened by a lavender baby thing that's anywhere near them? Are they worried that they might be mistaken for a woman? (Oh horror!!)
I've overheard parents at the store where I get cloth diapers worry and fuss about having ok colored diapers for their little boy. Mothers talking about how the fathers would be upset if their son was in a diaper with the wrong color. Hello? Folks, it's a diaper, babies shit in diapers and I can guarantee you that a pink diaper will not make your son a homosexual...is that what is bothering you? What the hell is it? Maybe that Madonna song said it best:
Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
cause its ok to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
cause you think that being a girl is degrading
That is pretty sad considering that that is what in essence these fathers are telling their little girls...being THEM would be degrading.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Apparently in Mississippi she can:
This is my first post on Feministing Community. I've been itching to jump in ever since I signed up but I wanted to make sure whatever I decided to start with hadn't already been covered endlessly. So after a few weeks of browsing the archives (which is completely addictive by the way) I've decided to talk a little bit about my experience working as a nanny in an affluent California community.
I didn't become a nanny on purpose. I went into it with zero understanding of the social hierarchy that exists in communities where nannies raise children. I just wanted extra beer money. Seriously.
It was a Friday afternoon and I was staring down another weekend of barhopping with not a penny to spare. I was lying on my dorm bed with my legs against the wall and my head hanging off the side whining to my roommate about the unfairness of it all. I didn't have time for a "real job" and I was perpetually broke. She showed me a page on our school website where local women posted ads for part time nannies. Awesome. I knew I could do that. I'd done some babysitting in high school so this would obviously be a piece of cake. I contacted a few of the families who'd posted ads, left messages and went out feeling confident that even if I spent all my food money for the coming week on drinks that night, it wouldn't matter thanks to all the money I'd be making as a nanny.
Cut to the next morning. It's 11am, I'm hung over and passed out face down on my bed. That's when the phone calls started pouring in. Can you come from an interview? What kind of car do you drive? Do you have any background in early childhood development? How many languages do you speak? I went to four interviews that afternoon and many more in the weeks to come. All of the houses were beautiful. All of the women had their master's or PhD. For anyone who's seen or read The Nanny Diaries , it isn't really like that. These aren't women who are looking for "me time". These are very smart, highly motivated, successful women who happen to need childcare. I idolized them. I wanted to be them.
I was inspired by Patriarchal demolitionist's post a while back called "Talking to kids about feminism," as well as by something troubling that happened while babysitting last night.
Alright, so this is the same boy that I mentioned in my post, "Handling a little boy who wants to experiment." In case you missed that post, the gist of this preface is that his mom is very, very narrow-minded and instills a lot of intolerance on both of her kids (a boy and a girl), but especially the boy, for whatever reason.
So last night, he mentioned Jesus (he talks about Jesus a lot) and mentioned very non-chalantly, "Did you know that if you don't believe in Jesus you go to hell? It's true!"
So I replied, "Well, some people believe in different gods. Some religions believe that if you don't believe in their god, then you don't go to heaven, so there's a lot of different perspectives on it."
He said, "Then they don't believe in the right god. There's no other god."
I said, "Well there's Allah, and Buddha, and Vishnu --"
He cut me off. "They're definitely gonna go to hell since they don't believe in Jesus."
Obviously there's nothing wrong with him loving Jesus and all that, but you can most likely imagine why it's troubling to hear a 7-year-old say that everyone who isn't Christian is going to hell. What would you guys recommend as a way to talk to him about tolerance of other religions? Bear in mind he is really stubborn and argues like no other, so if I'm going to get through to him at all, I have to have some pretty solid arguments.
My mom was asked by one of her coworkers if she would like to bring my family down to the lake with them this weekend. My mom has been trying to think of a way for us to afford a small vacation that would be fun for my brother and sister and myself alike (I am eighteen and my brother and sister are 7 and 5) and that she would still be able to relax at. My brother and sister go back to school in a few weeks and I will be heading off to college in about a month so time was running out and she jumped at the chance to go.
We got down there and something became blatantly obvious to me. All of the little girls are dressed in tiny french bikinis that are not appropriate for younger teenagers let alone the 2-10 year olds that are there wearing them. It shocked me to see girls who were my sisters age wearing bathing suits that do not cover their little bodies but instead leave them on display the way grown woman's bodies are. My mom would never have let me wear something like that when I was that little, and she doesn't put my sister in them now. I was 16 before I wore a bikini and when I finally did I realized that they are impractical and reduce the amount of swimming that you are able to do, not to mention that they cover so little that it is almost necessary to cover your entire body including your breasts and your butt in sunscreen if you don't want to burn.
Little girls have no business wearing garments like that. Bathing suits for little girls need to be practical, movable, and cover as much as thy possibly can so that the least amount of skin needs sunscreen on it as possible because it is very hard to get little kids to stand still while you put the stuff on them. But this is just a part of a much bigger problem that I have seen as of recently. All of little girls clothing seems to be getting less and less like clothing for little girls and more and more like the clothing for grown women. The jeans are lower waisted, tighter, and are cut to show off curves and bodies that they just don't have yet. Their skirts are getting shorter and tighter as well. Their tops now only seem to come in three colors are and always have some message about them being princesses or angels. If you can actually manage to find a pair of shorts they too are extremely short (what all of my friends and I refer to as "booty shorts" because they cover less than half of your ass) and also seem to only be made out of blue denim or the same three colors that the sirts are made out of.
Gone are the little girls cotton briefs with the days of the week printed on them that I remember getting and wearing proudly in kindergarten, they are now replaced with low cut bikini bottoms, boy shorts and oh yes I am saying this THONGS to wear under those tiny skirts, booty shorts and low rise jeans. Anyone who has ever worn a pair of those pants knows that they restrict your movement and hurt your vulva because of the way they are cut. As a society there is no legitimate reason why we would subject our children to this kind of thing. But parents buy the clothes because that is all there is. The problem here is that the reason why they were ever put on store shelves to begin with is because of America's fetish with little girls and their bodies. We have turned little girls with their purity and innocence into a sex symbol. This is evident in our fetish with shaved vulvas, and the reason why our media perpetuates models to be sickly skinny with no hips or breasts, the way little girls looks.
Because it hasn't taken off to get grown women to wholly make themselves look like little girls, our society is now going to make those little girls look more like grown women and stare, scrutinize and criticize their small growing bodies. I find this absolutely sick. Its not enough that we set impossible beauty standards for women or that we tell them they must weigh a certain weight and wear certain clothes to be sexy, now we are doing the same thing to little girls who are growing and changing. Their bodies are fine as they are they do not need a beauty standard, nor do they need to be wearing clothes that are too small/tight/sexy for their little bodies. I really would like to know when it became okay for our society to objectify kids in the same way that women are and if this is just some short lived trend or if we need to start making little girls clothes at home permanently.
I've been babysitting this one little boy, who's now 7, for about two years. His mother is a very conservative, born-again Christian who is not cool with gay folks. She has the book and DVDs of "Bringing Up Boys" in her house -- yes, by James Dobson, the man from Focus on the Family who believes that homosexuality is a disorder that can be cured, and whose idea of raising a boy is staunchly encouraging him to do nothing but Manly Man Things. So allow me to preface by saying that dealing with this woman is pretty much the feminist nightmare, for these and a variety of other reasons.
Right, so, cut to a couple of nights ago, I'm babysitting him with my friend who babysits him a lot more often than I do, so she knows the ins-and-outs of every single rule, every behavioral problem, every routine, etc. She just knows how to handle things -- and, despite the fact that she's very much on our side when it comes to LGBT issues, she knows the kid's mother well and abides by her rules, even though some of them go against her own personal beliefs.
So the boy had a friend staying the night. They were being crazy, so to calm them down a little I asked them to go into the boy's room, close the door, and clean up a little because it was so messy and I knew his mom would be uber proud if he cleaned his room. They grudgingly agreed, and after a suspiciously long time my friend thought to check on them. Apparently she walked in on them both under a sheet on the bed, naked, and when she asked the boy about it he admitted that they had been touching each other.
My friend informed me that she'd dealt with this before, and that the way the mom wanted it to be done was for the boys to be separated for the rest of the night, and for us to scold her son and make sure he knows that he was behaving inappropriately, because apparently this has happened enough times before with this boy and other boys that it's becoming a problem (in the mother's eyes, at least.)
Apparently he's never forced himself on anybody and there's never been any full-on intercourse -- every time it's just been some curious, consentual touching.
I couldn't bring myself to punish him. My friend understood and kindly took the matter upon herself, even though she didn't want to do it either. They both sobbed for the rest of the night and said they wanted to see each other, and we both felt like shit.
So my question is -- what do you think about him being punished for this? Bear in mind that the mother's ideal punishment is actually a punishment, not simply talking to him about it. She spanks the kid with a ping-pong paddle, and I wouldn't doubt that she's done it for these issues in the past.
Do you guys think that it's inappropriate for a kid that young to be experimenting with other kids as long as it's totally consentual and in private? Do you think it's worthy of a punishment, or at least a scolding?
Honestly, one of my biggest fears is that the boy is gay and when he grows up, he'll look back on his babysitters punishing him for wanting to explore his sexuality as something that traumatized him. If he is gay, I would love for my friend and I to be people that he can look to for understanding amongst a very much anti-gay family. On the other hand, part of me knows that he's not my son and I have to respect his mother's wishes.
What are your thoughts?
When I got married eight years ago I did not take my husband's last name. I've only ever had to defend this choice of mine once, when my sister-in-law asked in a rude way. I don't care what other people choose to do with last names when they get married, I love hearing about all the things people come up with to answer the "name question." For myself, I knew I'd never take another person's name, or hyphenate.
When my son was born four years ago, my husband and I decided that he would have my husband's last name as his last name and my last name as his middle name. Recently we had another child and we switched it. Our daughter's last name is my last name; her middle name is my husband's last name. I know that this sounds complicated, but I know that children often have no problems with things adults find strange or difficult to understand. It works for us, it is a true expression of our feminism, no one's last name is "more important" than the other's. (Side note: who got what name wasn't related to the sex of the child for us. But I know people who have done that, girls have mother's name, boys have father's name.)
However, this choice seems to be costing us in the family relationship department. We had been on rocky ground with my husband's parents for a while now, but I have the feeling very strongly that with this last name thing, they might never speak to us again.
Sorry to go on about inter-personal stuff here, but it's occurred to me that choices we make as feminists with things as intimate as what we name our children can really bother people. Why should children automatically have their father's last name? I have my father's name and I'm fine with it, but I also know that at the time I was born, not very many people were questioning who got what last names. Wasn't a woman "keeping her name" so very radical once? Maybe it still is for some people? I won't mind whatever my children do with last names and children's last names when they grow up and maybe marry, have kids etc., I just hope that they give it thought and choose whatever feels right to them and not have it dictated to them by patriarchal social norms.
I have a very difficult situation to deal with right now, and I am really, REALLY hoping for some good input from everyone. I understand that this sounds really bizarre, but it's true. I'm a little lost as to what I should do.
I’m 17 years old, male, and a strong believer in feminism. I know everyone’s first thought will be that my mother probably had a lot to do with that. Unfortunately, that is not the case. There were three or four very serious things that happened to my sister, and to a couple of very close female friends of mine that drew my attention to sexism when I was about twelve. Later, something very sexist and hurtful was done my girlfriend, when I was 15. I learned about feminism by accident, when I was randomly screwing around on the internet, and came across a feminist web site. I read about it, and started identifying myself as a feminist the next day. It turned out I already was a feminist, and I just didn’t know about that label. That would have been two years ago, and I have learned more, and become more engaged in it since. I found this movement by my self. As it happens, my mother is actually the main cause of my problem at the moment.
Hey Feministing! First time poster here.
I was watching SpongeBob and as I was noticing, yet again, the very gender specific roles being shown to children, I thought "there are only so many letters I can write to the toy companies and broadcasting stations questioning them for creating/marketing/buying these commercials, particularly to such young children".
I send emails and make telephone calls regarding these commercials depicting only young girls playing with dolls with pastel colours and soft, gentle music playing, ponies and princesses. For the boys toys, loud music, flashing lights, cars, crushing. It has been suggested to me that young women are programmed to be gentle and boys rough, but maybe if we didn't show them that that is how they are 'supposed' to be through such subliminal messages, they would feel more comfortable expressing interests in 'toys from the other side'. Honestly, all I get in return for my letters are letters from these companies assuring me that that was never the intention (and they hope I continue to enjoy their product/programming...clearly not having actually read my letter), or nothing at all, both results leading to a real sense of me being utterly brushed off and ignored, viewed as as "some angry lesbian".
I thought that I should perhaps seek some help from some feminists whose views and ideas I value, and see if anyone has had similar experiences and/or would like to share some suggestions.
Thanks bunches!
I'm a babysitter. I watch a 1 year old and his 3 year old brother when he's not at daycare. I'm constantly watching their training in gender and sexuality. Neither has yet noticed (or verbalized in the 3 year old's case) much about race or class. Luckily their parents are sociologists, so maybe they're better off than other kids on the block. But the 1 year old is always playing with his penis when his diaper's off and the 3 year old is constantly in dialogue about who's a girl and who's a boy because the kids in his class are 4 and have already been taught that it matters.
About a month ago, he told me that his friend at school was a girl. I asked him how he knew and all he could tell me that she was yellow and he was green on their name board at daycare, so that means she's a girl and he's a boy.
His little brother, age 1, has a playmate come over a few mornings a week. i watch both of them, together. When I change her diaper, he stares at her vulva. He doesn't ask questions in his language of sounds; he just stares as closely as she lets him, and silently.
The other day, the 3 year old told me that I am a girl while he was in the bathroom watching me sit on the toilet. I asked him how he knew: "Boys stand up and girls sit." Me: "To pee?" Him: "Yep."
I then asked him if people who sit down to pee have penises. He said that boys have penises and girls don't. Then I asked him what girls have. He didn't have any words to respond. It's not that he didn't know, it's just that nobody had ever told him what the word was. So, I said vulva (I wasn't sure whether to say vulva or vagina, so I went for vulva). He smiled and said, ohhhhhh. I asked him to repeat it. He did.
And now as I'm writing this, I come to the conclusion again that the connections his classmates and his tv shows and his parents and grandparents are making between sex and gender create the complication for children.
Children learn at age one that they have a penis or vulva and like to play with it while they're naked. They learn with their eyes before language even comes to them; before they can ask questions about what they see. Then at age 3, when their words have developed, they learn that girls are yellow and boys are green (or pink and blue) and that boys have penises and girls 'don't' and that girls play with dolls and boy's 'don't', etc.. I am constantly seeing (with every single child I babysit) this disconnect.
Already at age 3 this child is wrongly being taught to bridge the disconnect between the body and gender. He know's it doesn't necessarily make sense. But he's listening very carefully to people around him to hear what's right about the world. As long as they tell him the that the body and gender are related, I will always be the girl babysitter with no penis.
And I'm tired of hearing the 'kids-who-stand-up-to-pee' on the block tell him that his Hello Kitty stuffed animal is for girls.
For those who cannot see the video, a little boy, a 3rd-grader, is organizing a rally for gay marriage!
While I am against parents using their children as political tools, if this is something he wants to do on his own, more power to him!
Marc. Wants. Feminist. Babies. Now.
The Comic Book Legal Defense Fund have stated that they are disappointed that a manga comic book collector has pleaded guilty to "possessing obscene visual representations of the sexual abuse of children and mailing obscene material" and faces a maximum term of 15 years in prison.
The CBDLF say that they spent almost $18,000 on research and expert witnesses. But this is the clincher, the CBLDF said:
"Naturally, we are very disappointed by this result, but understand that in a criminal case, every defendant must make the decision that they believe serves their best interest. Because the set of facts specific to this case were so unique, we hope that its importance as precedent will be minimal. However, we must also continue to be prepared for the possibility that other cases could arise in the future as a result."Mr. Handley now faces the loss of his freedom and his property, all for owning a handful of comic books. It's chilling. The Fund remains unwavering in our commitment to be prepared to manage future threats of this nature wherever they arise. This is the unfortunate conclusion of Mr. Handley's case, but it is not the end of this sort of prosecution. For that reason, the Fund stands steadfast in our commitment to defending the First Amendment rights of the comics art form."
Now, being an Irish law graduate I'll be the first to admit I'm not an expert in American First Amendment case law, but these people can't be serious. Is their argument based on a belief that somehow cartoon child porn isn't really child porn? Or are they admit that it is child porn but somehow it's a lesser evil because it's cartoon porn? I don't really understand it.
If it's child porn he possessed it's not just a "handful of comic books". I applaud people for standing up for First Amendment rights but this seriously does not sit well with me.
Hello everyone! I've never posted in the Community section, although I've frequented Feministing itself for quite a few years now... So--
When I think about feminism, I think about empowerment, courage, social justice. I also think about a commitment to principles and ethics. I think about these same things when I consider what it takes to succeed as a former foster youth.
As a long-time feminist, former foster youth, and current advocate/mentor, I'd like to alert this feministing community to the fact that May is National Foster Care Month!
What does this mean? Well, I guess it means that during May some people might take time out of their day to acknowledge the challenges that current and former foster youth face. The majority of youth in the system have experienced neglect and abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, mental-- it goes on and on). Most foster youth ultimately lack a positive (or any) support network as they bounce around from placement to placement, "home" to "home," "family" to "family" and so forth...
I think feminists make the best type of mentor/advocate and I encourage you all to take the leap and make a positive influence in someone's life.
So, does anyone here mentor or advocate on behalf of any type of youth? If so, what compels you? If not, what's preventing you from doing so? Are you a former foster youth? How has feminism and your experience in foster care influenced each other? Hey, feel free to write anything as it relates to foster youth. Visibility is good.
Lauren
Being a mom in fiction is a rough deal. If you haven't been killed off to make way for the Evil Stepmother, you're probably wasting away with illness. Or hopelessly out-of-touch, like Coraline's mom. Or, like Eloise's, simply absent from your child's life.
There's a good reason for these tropes. Much great literature for children is focused on the child, and the child's ability to solve problems for herself, or grow into an adult role. Removing adults, especially mothers, from the story often provides the space and motivation for children to have these adventures. You'll notice that it's much more common to be an orphan in literature than it is in real life.
As Sharon Lamb and Lyn Mikel Brown put it in their excellent book, "Packaging Girlhood," "As in children's literature, myths and fairy tales, these books also tend to show parents are useless or dead. Perhaps this is a common concept because mothers are so important to children; however, it also means we rarely see good mothers represented."
While there are many wonderful stories that focus on children who have been separated from their parents by death, boarding school or a serendipitous fall down a rabbit hole, it's refreshing to be able to share a tale with one's daughter that doesn't fall into these stereotypes.
Flashlight Worthy Books recently posted a lovely list of stories in which children connect with their moms. I'll be watching for these titles at the library.
Here are a few of my favorites from our home collection:
Tucking Mommy In, by Morag Loh
Little Bear, Elsa Holmelund Minarek
On Mother's Lap, by Anne Herbert Scott
I note that these are all books for Very Young Children. I wracked my brain a very little bit, and can think of almost no Good Mothers in literature for older kids or young adults. A few of L.M. Montgomery's books, and Little Women. I hope that as my daughters and I grow through their childhoods, we'll find many more images of powerful moms to treasure in our library.
This is Burger King's new ad for its 99-cents kids meal. Yes, because nothing sells fast food to children better than provocatively-dressed women shaking their asses to a remix of Sir-Mix-a-lot's "Baby Got Back."
Burger King said this particular ad is not meant for kids and is only shown during shows that target hetero-male adult audiences, but I've heard rumors that it's aired on Nickelodeon and the Cartoon Network. Fortunately, the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood has made it easy to send letters of disgust.
Cross-posted on www.the-f-word.org
Related posts:
Yet again, an offense Burger King Commercial
Dear Burger King: Please stop
Virgins
Something happened today that hit home a point I've been thinking about for a while now.
Some backstory- it was my five-year-old cousin's birthday. She's the oldest of three children, and the only girl. Her entire room is pink. Not just the walls, not just the bedspread, the entire room. Her clothing is all either pink or pastel, her toys are all Barbies and Disney Princesses and Bratz. She used to like Dora, but that's sort of disappated as she's gotten older (which may be just as well, seeing how Tween Dora is apporaching).
Her birthday party had a princess theme, with pink streamers and sparkely pink party hats. I knew that everyone else would be getting her some sort of stereotypical toy, so I decided to give the poor kid a break. I got her an outdoor exploration kit. It includes a little bug net, a jar to put bugs in, a magnifying glass, and various other toys. The packaging didn't have a boy or a girl on it- just a few bugs and some grass. She does enjoy finding and catching bugs, so it seemed like a perfect fit.
I’m not sure if this has been posted here before or not, but I found this story so powerful that I thought everyone should have a chance at reading.
It is seriously Pulitzer material. This is what JOURNALISM is all about.
I read through some of the comments and was aghast that some people are callously spiteful of what these parents have been through.
I really can’t fathom reading this story without feeling the least bit of compassion for these people.
Everyone needs to read this, especially people who have children or are thinking of having children. Seriously. It is so well written—the narrative is so engaging. At one point I gasped in horror. At another I was nearly in tears. At the end, all I could say was holy fuck!
This story is terrifying and humbling and I don’t have the words for it really. The writer seems to have been so compassionate. I can imagine how difficult it must have been to interview all these people. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done reporting is continuing to push for answers when a clearly distraught person who has just lost a family member can hardly hold back tears.
It’s so well researched and balanced and moving without being sensationalized.
Today after reading the Feministing.com post on defunding abstinence-only programs, I happily emailed my representatives.
I think it is also time to start lobbying for preventative technology that will help prevent accidental deaths of children in vehicles.
How can we start?
Have you read the grandmother-bashing article in March 5th's New York Times, titled "When Grandma Can't Be Bothered?" The role of grandmother in our society is unclear.
Let's not blame grandma for not babysitting when parents may be setting non-negotiable rules and having unrealistic expectations about how available grandmothers will be. This kind of grandma bashing is part of a long line of criticizing mothers. The refrigerator mom, the overindulgent mom, and now we have the glam-mother and the uninvolved grandmother. Instead, I suggest that parents and grandmothers use the birth of a grandchild to discuss their hopes and dreams for the future and their regrets from the past.
And of course, we can't forget grandfathers have a role too.
This cracks me up on so many levels. The outrage over it, the little pink butterfly tat in the picture, the fact that the all American plastic girl is getting her first tattoo....
And, it's totally funny inversion of the typical discourse about what Barbie's body represents.
As you may know, the beloved Dora the Explorer character is slated for some drastic and depressing changes. As with other positive female role models for the preschool demographic, Dora will soon be "bratzed" out, lose her adventurous spirit and healthy body, and become obsessed with boys and accessories. If you object to the sexualization of Dora, click here to sign a petition to Mattel and Nickelodeon. To read more on the topic, check out the Packaging Girlhood blog.
I'm in an acting class right now. My classmates and I all created characters based on animals, and on Monday were having a big town meeting where we get together, in character, and debate an issue. This year the issue is, Planned Parenthood is going to open a clinic in our town, and tehy're going to offer abortion services and all of the other things Planned Parenthood does. If we were debating this issue as ourselves, I would be very eagerly pro-Planned Parenthood. As it stands now, I have no idea where I would place my character.
My character is a precocious 10 year old girl, who won an essay contest and is at the meeting to read her essay on the subject. I'm finding it so hard to disassociate myself from my feminist beliefs. I keep thinking like a ten year old and I wind up on the con-Planned Parenthood side. Is a ten year old balanced and thoughtful enough to leap on the "abortion = bad" train? Is a ten year old sensitive enough not to be one of those, "if you got pregnant in the first place you gotta live with the blah blah blah?"
So any feminist moms or babysitters out there who can help me out, I'd really appreciate it. I don't remember what it's like to be 10.
A 13 year old boy, Alfie, and a 15 year old girl, Chantelle, have just had a baby in Britain. The Sun reports that she became pregnant when they had sex for the first time and that they hid her pregnancy until her mom noticed the weight gain.
The story does not say what if any sex education that these children have had, but it is obvious that they did not realize they could get pregnant the first time and Alfie's dad says that he's now going to have the birds and the bees conversation so that this doesn't happen again.
What is most shocking is that he is not the youngest father in Britain. A 12 year old boy impregnated a 15 year old girl in 1998 and they split 6 months later.
As disturbing as this story is about children giving birth to children, I noticed too that the emphasis of the story is about the father and not the mother. It's just as shocking to me that she's 15 as it is that he's 13, but I understand that the lead that grabs attention is the lower number. But, her story and opinion are barely present in the story. The entire thing is about how he is reacting to this.
Two high school students in Hamilton, Ontario were interviewed today in the Hamilton Spectator for starting a national , and arguably international campaign on Facebook to ban the show "Toddlers and Tiaras" being aired on The Learning Channel (TLC).
The popular North American cultural practice of dressing young female children in adult clothing, having then parade and flaunt their bodies, and pose suggestively at beauty pageants is being looking at in this show with little critical analysis of the link between the oversexualisation and exploitation of young girls bodies- child pornography- and childhood sexual abuse.
If you'd like to see what these young women are doing and participate in their campaign to have this show banned on a high network channel, visit their facebook page, Help Ban the TLC show "Toddlers and Tiaras"
It's hard to know where to start expleining everything that's wrong with this. An excerpt
Campaigning and raising sons are mutually exclusive. Campaigning requires lots of travel, enormous amounts of time in the public eye and months and months of sitting down quietly listening to the same guy talking while wearing your good clothes. It's like 11 straight months of being in church when you're the preacher's kid - with long car rides in between. It's torture on adults, let alone children. But it's worse for boys. Try this experiment: next month ask your son to be on his best behavior in front of other people, from now until November 2009. See how far you get."Boys are generally more competitive, risk-taking and defiant, which makes them less manageable," says Meg Meeker M.D., author of Boys Should be Boys and Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters. And the 24/7 scrutiny of the modern campaign makes every small risky and defiant act a public affair...
The Obama campaign was noted for its discipline, its rigor and its self control: three things most young boys are not noted for. Of course, Obama didn't take Malia, 10, and Sasha, 7, everywhere he campaigned. But long fatherly absences may make the boys even more likely to be unhelpful. "If dad's away on the campaign trail a lot, [boys'] tendencies towards defiance and impulsivity are exacerbated," says Meeks.
Young girls, on the other hand, can be an asset to a candidate's image. "There's definitely something in the father daughter-relationship that makes being in the public eye much easier," says Meeks. "Girls want to please their mothers and particularly their fathers. Their dads can take their daughters places and do things with them and the girls won't act out."
The author's suggestion?
In tough times like these, it would be nice to have a bit of that harmless White House mischief. And the Obamas are still a young couple. With ready access to government-sponsored childcare. No pressure of course, but would it be too much to ask to give the ol' dice another roll? Maybe you can't campaign with a son, but it sure sounds like fun to try and govern with one.
Yeah, they should have a boy, for our entertainment, since boys are so much more interesting than girls, and so that we can continue to cling to and perpetuate this ridiculous, antiquated gender ideology. Puke.
My uncle and aunt have two little girls, Ava is three and Viv is sixteen months, the little girls walk into our main room this holiday season all dolled up for the holidays. My grandmother and my other relatives keep oohing and ahhing, telling Ava how beautiful and pretty she is. Granted they are cute kiddos, but what three year-old is not a cutie?
My mother then comes to the rescue, she said, “No mom (refereeing to my grandmother), Ava you are intelligent.” (Shout out to my mother!) But here is the thing: Ava looked up confused, she asked what intelligent meant. She had never asked what beautiful or pretty meant because that’s what everyone else had told her. It saddens me that she had to ask what intelligent meant, that no one had ever told her how smart she was. (Shoot, this kiddo is a smart one too…) The kicker is that her parents are very progressive, very “pro-women,” very encouraging to me pursuing a high academic education. Yet, they have never told her own child just how smart she was. What can we as an society expect if we continue to ignore telling little girls how bright they are, and just focusing on their physical beauty. No wonder girls/women feel that their only value is based just on looks. Not only is this placing girls into a set role, it also places boys in to set roles as well. This is bullshit, and I am sick of it.
Ava should be told how smart she is every day, because she is very intelligent. I resent that she is never told just how bright she is, but this is not just my family, this is almost every family in the world. With the exception of babies, you never hear someone commenting on how beautiful a small boy is. Its time for this to change. The next time you see a small girl, resist telling her or her mother how pretty is, instead ask if she can count, say her alphabet, speak a different language, or write a dissertation. Then compliment about how intelligent the child is, not only will this encourage children to demonstrate their intelligence but also it was also give you something to talk about with the child or mother. Make the change happen.
TRIGGER WARNING. This video hints at child sexual abuse in a disturbing way.
A German child sexual abuse victim advocacy organization called Dunkelziffer e.V. put out an ad entitled "Tentacle" through ad agency Red Rabbit this year. The ad presents graphically (and evokes viscerally) the long-lasting element of trauma related to child sexual abuse. I thought feministing folks might be interested in seeing it.
We begin with a minute and a half of horrendously creepy hairy tentacle thing encroaching upon women (or a single woman, up to interpretation I think) in various "normal life" situations. The end of the ad says, "If sexually abused children never get help, they never outgrow their trauma." I personally don't appreciate the "never" statements because that leans toward a "forever damaged goods" sort of sentiment; simultaneously it suggests that it is probable to "outgrow" trauma if proper help is sought.
However, most of my point in posting: this ad does a great job delivering a lingering creep factor that might make folks who never had a child sexual abuse situation more sensitive to its lasting effects. It drives home the point that for many folks sexual abuse trauma doesn't just go away. What do y'all think?
Sound isn't necessary. SFW. Again, TRIGGER WARNING .
(Via AdFreak, where nominated for "Freakiest Ads of 2008.")
I just ran across this on yahoo and I was wondering what you think about it.
On one hand I can understand that the tribe would like to preserve their culture and heritage in that way. But also on the other hand I feel that it diminishes the other cultures that are just as important to his history.I'm really uncomfortable with people claiming blood as something that contains "race" in it, well because it doesn't. But I feel for the parents who have invested time and care into this child and now that the child is all better the tribe has decided to take it back.
Let me know, I'd really like to get other people's perspectives on this.
Some time ago Boy Scouts of America decided to no longer allow homosexuals in the organization. The decision followed a handful of high profile cases of pedophilia within the organization. Law suits have been raised in protest to the this decision. So far these law suits have been unsuccessful. Scouting For All is a non-profit organization aimed at pressuring BSA to pull the discriminatory policies (atheists are also barred). While Scouting For All is an advocacy group and not an alternative scouting program, Navigators USA is. Founded just over a year ago in East Harlem by a group of volunteers who had previously led a Boy Scout Troop, Navigators USA is a co-ed program for children ages 7-18 modeled after the BSA curriculum but open to all. Instead of the “Scout Oath,” Navigators swear:
“As a Navigator I promise to do my best
To help create a world free of prejudice and ignorance.
To treat people of every race, creed, lifestyle and ability
With dignity and respect.
To strengthen my body and
Improve my mind to reach my full potential.
To protect our planet and preserve our freedom.”
The decision by the Boy Scouts of America to enforce exclusionary policies caused the Unitarian Church that had sponsored the East Harlem troop to terminate its charter and severe ties with the Boy Scouts of America. Yet the congregation still wanted to maintain the best parts of the scouting experience and retain the close relationships and bonding with the youth participants that had developed over the years. The volunteers felt it critical to offer choices within the scouting community, even if it required the creation of a new organization.
Navigators USA hopes to have the program ready to go nationwide by Fall 2009.
Why is it that young adults are expected to make life altering decisions, but they're not allowed to make life altering decisions? Since I was a junior in High School (Go Milwaukee High School of the Arts!!!), counselors, teachers, my parents, and my grandmother have been encouraging me to start thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. However, I guess I missed the memo that said I could only decide on my secondary-education and subsequently, my career. Silly me, I decided to start thinking about everything else -- marriage, where I want to live, children, investing and retirement. Guess which one is the most controversial? Yes, that's right, people have a big problem with my realization that I don't want children. Ever.
"You'll change your mind," they say, brushing my decision off like I've never made a life-altering-decision in my life before. Never mind that choosing a college impacts career choice, impacting future lifestyle, even who I'll encounter on a day to day basis. Never mind that cancer-treatment takes a toll on the body. Now I know plenty of people DO change their mind. "Life happens," a friend said. Is she insinuating that I'm going to get knocked up? Which seems a bit of a far reach, since I'm more than likely sterile and practice safe sex. Seriously, though, I am 100% confident that I will never have a kid. I am 100% confident that I will never regret that decision. I just don't like kids, especially when they start developing an imagination. That sounds terrible, but I'm not going to lie. If I don't like kids now, what makes you think I'm going to like them in five years? Ten years? Am I suddenly going to freak out and get all maternal? And if I do get knocked up, I can't keep the kid. I don't have time for a kid in my life. Either way, there are some people who just shouldn't have kids. You know them, you see them everyday. You think to yourself, 'why did she ever get pregnant?'. I'd be a terrible mother. I don't want to be a good mother. Solution? Don't become a mother. Either way, I'm eighteen. I'm allowed to smoke, which impacts the rest of my life. I'm allowed to marry if I want, which impacts the rest of my life. I'm even allowed to have sex, which could impregnate me, impacting the rest of my life. And I know life happens but what about taking your life by the horns and knowing what you want from it? Doesn't knowing what you want from life mean knowing what you don't want? This reminds me of "He's childless, she's selfish."
I know feminists devote a lot of energy and time to thinking about how people have a tendency to "gender" things (and why they shouldn't be at all) but this last week, I sort of got a short introduction into what may be the hardest things we have when it comes to un-genendering...
our names.
As I've said before, my parents have 5 girls. Now, my name is quite sterotypically female, as is the name of my next sister. The 10 year old, however, is named Wesley Ray. My mother picked the name for a very dear (male) friend of hers who passed less than a week before the birth, and she thought it would be nice. My youngest sister is named after my father's police partner, who was wounded while assisting him in a call, and her name is Corey. In between them is Wren (after the bird) and Quinn (which is a very Irish name). Now all these names are not traditionally female, to be sure. If you heard Wesley and Corey spoken, you'd might assume they were male, and Wren and Quinn, well, you may not know what gender those people were.
I just get extremely tired of people who, upon meeting our family, find it prudent to exclaim "I thought you were a boy!" or "Why does a little girl like you have a little boy's name?" And then the kid gets stuck trying to explain why they have the name they do. Wesley got stuck with a blue name tag in preschool on the first day, because the teacher assumed anyone with that name was male, and it sort of irked her.
I understand that we come from a society that has specific "boy" and girl" names, and it seems like we are not meant to deviate from the set-our parameters, but it gets under my skin! I am starting to become of the opinion that strictly adhering to "boy" and "girl" names isn't such a great idea and maybe we'd be better off if we could just name our children what we truly felt reflected on us best and what "fit" them the most! Granted, I think even I would be a bit taken aback were I to meet a woman named Mikey or Dan or Stevie or something to that effect, but I would do my best to get over it quickly and just move on.
So, are there any women out there who have a traditionally "masculine name" or have given a non-gender conforming name to one of their own? I'm really interested in hearing thoughts on the topic, since I have not met a great number of people in this situation before. Should we just, as a society, get over gendered names and move on, or do you think the confusion would be too great if we did?
Tonight my cousin Maizie who's 7 years old stumbled upon my copy of The Guerrilla Girls' Bedside Companion to the History of Western Art. She read some parts, but mostly asked me to read various captions to pictures of all the "nekkid people". She wondered why all anybody did back then was paint naked people? And some parts were just too naked for her sensibilities. But she did ask me why the book was written and why it would need to be written, because aren't girls good painters too? Now, obviously she has no appreciation for the way women are treated differently than men, and I did skim the portions that I thought were too graphic. She asked a lot of interesting questions. She marveled at the fact that women weren't allowed to read or write, and were basically property of their husbands, fathers, and brothers. I think that maybe just talking about it, especially in a home environment and community that indoctrinates kids with the ideas of Good Girls and Bad Girls is hopefully a step, albeit small, in the right direction.
So, I've just spent like two hours searching for an empowering gift for my 10 year old cousin. I was thinking that I could maybe get a bunch of dress up costumes for her (ie; doctor, president, astronaut), but not only would that be a little pricey, but she's probably getting out of the dress up phase. Maybe books? She is the youngest, and her two older brothers always get the fun things, while she gets Bratz dolls (which I promptly told her were unrealistic images of women) and makeup kits.
I'm sure y'all have some great ideas. Please, throw them at me!
I have a question to pose to the Feministing community:
How and when should you talk to your kids about abortion?
I have been a strong Choice supporter since I had my Feminist Awakening (yes, it deserves to be capitalized!) in college, but I'm now being confronted with an issue seemingly more complex. My stepson especially is very interested in politics -- he came with me to an Obama rally in Columbia, MO and helped my fiance and I canvass for local Democratic candidates. We often have discussions that center around how Democrats are different than Republicans (we're not big on bipartisanship, but it's also simplified because he's 8), but haven't yet breached the Choice issue.
In thinking about what I would say, I became concerned that my opinion would seem cruel to he and his 5-year-old sister who both love little babies.
How can I argue for the pro-choice point of view in terms that are simple enough for kids to understand but also effective?
Click on pic for trailer.
Amy is coming out with a new digital series with ON networks that celebrates young girls who are changing the world by being themselves. The show - Smart Girls at the Party - aims to help girls find confidence in their own aspirations and talents, and to prove that you don't have to be famous to be interesting.
Amy, we love you.
This Friday our daughters' daycare/preschool has its annual Halloween party. For the most part it's a fun event with a lot of cute kids. But every year there's a couple of the girls who wear these costumes that make the other parents wonder wtf their parents are thinking. Here are a few examples of what I'm talking about. Last year the winner of the WTF! costume award was a 6 y/o who came dressed as a Bratz doll, complete with ass-revealing skirt, tube top over padded bra, fishnet stockings, and clear heels. I'm almost afraid to wonder what it will be this year. What possible argument could be made in support of this (by anyone who's not actually a pedophile, I mean)? Any suggestions on how these parents could explain to their daughters in a tactful, feminist, non-authoritarian way that the costume they've chosen is inappropriate?
The local girl scouts are having a sleepover at the mall and can earn a merit badge from it. Seriously, WTF?!?!? I have to admit that I like to shop and have certainly spent a lot of time doing so, but it's not exactly a habit that needs to be taught and encouraged.
Probably a good idea to stay away from the mall that night, too ;-) From the San Jose Mercury News:
Now that's a sleepover: Girl Scouts and Brownies from Santa Clara County will be camping out at Westfield Valley Fair during a mall sleepover night that begins at 7:30 p.m. Saturday, Oct. 25, and ends at 7:30 a.m. Sunday. The Scouts and their troop leaders and chaperones will be spending 12 hours at the shopping center participating in events that include shopping, eating, a dance party and learning about the Earth's climate change with reps from the Climate Project.Many of the mall retailers will remain open for the girls and their guardians to shop after Valley Fair closes to the public at 9 p.m. And instead of s'mores and hot dogs, the munchies include a midnight pizza party at Pizza My Heart.
"Several thousand'' Scouts are expected at the first-time event for the shopping center, Valley Fair marketing director Stacy Carroll said. And yes, the Scouts earn a badge for their mall sleepover experience.
Ok, so was watching TV, as you do. And this ad comes on...pretty normal. BUT here's the problem; the ad was for some new product named, "Girl Gourmet" a mini cupcake maker...so? Not so bad? Well, the ad featured several young girls all giggling and laughing and making lovely pink, "girly" cupcakes with mountains of sprinkles...and that's GIRL gourmet, featuring GIRLS with PINK cupcakes...no boys...only pink...cupcakes.
Am I the only one who sees a problem...?
Hey, the kids wanting this but you know, embedding sh*t like this in their brains so early???
My partner and I were just shopping for pajamas for our two-year-old son through Old Navy's web site. It makes us nuts that babies' and children's clothes are so strangely gendered (shirts with waists and busts for baby girls? trucks and tools for boys, cartoon animals and hearts for girls?), and it's a pain to have to shop through two separate categories of clothes--Baby Boy and Baby Girl--to see everything in his size. Anyway, we were thinking of buying him this set of pajamas with a sweet animal print when my husband said "Oh, no--we can't buy THOSE" and pointed, distressed, at the name of the color--Chastity Pink. For babies. (Well, for baby girls, anyway.) That's just weird.
I wanted to share this with others who would find this comment as awesome as I did.
I am a mentor for a 9 year old girl through Big Brothers, Big Sisters. As one of our ongoing projects, we are scrapbooking some of the activites we have done throughout the months. While we were scrapbooking, I helped her write out the title Big Brothers, Big Sisters Outing on top of her page, and she said "Why is it Big Brothers then Big Sisters?? I want to put Big Sisters, Big Brothers." I laughed because I had the same thought as we were writing it out! I love how she can see inequality and comment on it so innocently.
Thanks for letting me share my story!
No, I don't mean that men should be able to tell the women they impregnate that they should or should not get an abortion. I don't think a man has any right to anything past constructive input, it is ultimately the woman's body, and the woman's choice.
I don't think this is a HUGE issue, but it just annoys me to death, so here goes... I am one of 5 children that my parents had. All 5 are girls, ranging in age from 23 to 9. My parents are very content with this and have never expressed a desire to have it any other way. So then, it really gets under my skin when people, both those we know and even strangers(!) will see our family together and say things like "Oh, that's a shame," or "Guess you had to stop trying, huh?" EVERYONE (it feels like) seems shocked that my boy-less parents are very ok with the fact that they have no son. It seems especially shocking that my father (who is a hunting, fishing, gun-owning Republican type) is very ok with this fact and is proud to have 5 daughters. And why the heck is that?!
Bro went back to college today, so for the first time, I'm the one at home while my brother is the one at school. It's the perfect time to reminisce (while making a tiny bit of a point).
When Bro and I were little, we often shared our toys. They were either gender-specific or gender-neutral, rarely items intended for the opposite gender. But we used them in quite creative ways.
my blog.
Today I attended the Girls Rock! DC Showcase. Just watching the girls perform was definitely one of the highlights of my feminist life. I came home to blog about it and found a big article on a modeling camp in the Washington Post . I've copied the entries from my blog below, because I've now spent the better part of the day expressing my delight and outrage, and I'm out of words. But I thought you all would be interested in both posts.
In the hot August humidity, a common thing for my father and I to do is go walking through one of the local indoor malls. We're big fans of walks, and of course, of each other, so it has become a favorite summer pasttime.
But today, as we were discussing our normal mix of nostalgia, politics and planning (what classes I'm taking this semester, how John McCain is nucking futs, etc) I saw something that really bothered me: Underneath the women's restroom sign it said "children's restroom." Under the mens, nothing. As much as it pisses me off that it shows that women are expected to have a very specific role in society, it reminded me of the way I felt as a child, something I hadn't thought about it a while.
Would you prefer your young child, say age four or five, to view a couple in a movie having sex or an episode of Law & Order: SVU? Sex or violence? Which is more harmful?
My boyfriend and I had a very lengthy and heated debate over this subject recently, and the only thing that came of it is me swearing that I shall never bear his children. He is of the violence-is-better camp, and I of the sex-is-less-harmful. I feel that a short clip of a couple having safe, consensual, loving sex is much less damaging to a young child's psyche than a clip of a man being shot at close range, or a detailed account of the murder of a young child on America's Most Wanted. A sex scene might raise more awkward questions for Mommy to answer, but violence, visualized or verbalized seems to have much more potential to be emotionally disturbing and/or damaging for a young child to be exposed to.
Your thoughts?
Hooray for The Paper Bag Princess! Go Elizabeth; kick some dragon ass.
Does anyone else have trouble finding good books for girls that defy the whole girls-need-to-be-rescued trip or do more than merely portray girls as sidekicks to the male main characters? Any recommendations?
Something recently brought to my attention at work is the embedded male-or-female psychosis that I and many others have, where when something doesn’t fit into a specific category it confuses and alienates us in terms of gender. Thankfully, I’ve had some LBGTQ ally training from which I learned the importance of gender-neutrality. I didn’t think this volunteer training would apply too heavily to a summer camp where I would be working with elementary and middle school children, but one day the kids were making introductions and I couldn’t decide whether one of them was a boy or girl.
I’ll call this kid Leslie to protect their real identity, but this kid was a lightning bolt of youthful enthusiasm and desire to learn. Leslie was one of those kids you dream of being assigned to you or having in your class because they aren’t disruptive but make an earnest effort to contribute to the conversation and are genuinely enthusiastic. At first I had the usual embedded social reactions: What am I going to do if I don’t know if this kid is a boy or girl? How can I figure out if they are a boy or girl? Fortunately I caught myself early and realized, with horror, what was happening.
The week passed and I realized how little it mattered whether or not I knew Leslie’s gender identity. They excelled in their assignments, were polite and enthusiastic, and very much a healthy kid. I’m glad I got to know Leslie because they were a pleasure to teach and help, but they also made me realize how even kids can be victims of gender pigeonholing as much as adults can, and the idea of little Leslie having to deal with any of that shit in the future strikes me as a truly frustrating injustice indeed.
I was in the girls clothing department, I work ladies and juniors, and I saw an image that profoundly distressed me.
>
This pre-teen girl has bright pink lips, her legs spread, and is blowing a kiss. What the Hell? It's like the hula-hoop is there to make it seem more innocent.
A few years ago I was really into having children. A few years later this all changed after my experience with men in the world. In a matter of two years I experienced an attempted rape, sexual harrasment and a slew of disrespecting and degrading men in various intimate relationships. In this time not only was my heart broken but my body and spirit were violated. Also in this time I dealt with an eating disorder, having to move back in with my parents after graduate school, financially broke and spiritually rebuilding my life. This was not an easy time. This was two years ago.
I just realized something: my nephew isn't the only person in my family who has more than one parent of the same gender. My parents got divorced when I was young and my father remarried immediately, and so for most of my life I've had a mom and a step-mom. That is: two moms. Later on my mom got remarried and I suddenly had two dads too.
For as long as there has been divorce children have had more than one parent of the same gender, but suddenly when gays want to adopt this is "bad" for children? Why is it okay for me to have two moms but not okay for my nephew? Why is it that my sister and her wife are hurting society but my remarrying parents are not? I don't get it.
OK, I need some perspective here. I have an 8 month old daughter and 4½ year old step-daughter. Obviously when you're a feminist raising 2 girls you frequently find yourself being fiercely protective and objecting to things that other people think are "no big deal" or "harmless fun." You seriously have to pick your battles. So here's the latest battle.
Our 4 year old has wanted to play T-Ball since she was 2 and we saw some kids playing in the park. In our town, T-Ball starts at the age of 4, so we wasted no time signing her up. On her team there are 8 boys and 2 girls. A family friend who is very generous to the kids gave her a T-Ball set for Christmas that included a pink helmet, bat, glove, etc that all say "girl power" on them, in bubbly girly lettering. This is the same friend who would be giving her Barbies, Bratz, and Princess crap if I didn't threaten to take it all back to the store and give the refund money to charity. So the pink athletic equipment was mildly irritating to me, but I kept my mouth shut. However, now that T-Ball has begun, our daughter, on the promptings of our friend, brings her bat to the practices and games, where the coach unquestioningly has her and the other girl on her team use it instead of the standard aluminum bat the other kids (boys) use. I didn't really object to this until I discovered, after their second game, that this bat is significantly lighter than the standard bat the boys are using. Both girls are perfectly capable of using the regular bat, and have successfully hit with it many times. Now I'm objecting to the use of a lighter bat for the girls, because obviously it will put them at a disadvantage, as the boys continue to grow stronger while the girls fall behind.
Everyone acts like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, and that this is just another fun little harmless thing. I don't think it's harmless, and even if there wasn't the weight issue, why does everyone feel such a strong need to be separating out the boys and girls and reinforcing the message to the girls that they're "different" than the boys? I'm really not overreacting here, right?
Pandrosian's post on dad/daughter relationships in the media got me thinking about dads and daughters. Of course, I'm thinking about that pretty much all the time, since my daughter just turned 4 weeks old today.
I've been a feminist by temperament for my whole life, and called myself one since college, which was, well, a while ago. And I've known a lot of kickass women in that time. Most of them had stories about their mom, or an aunt, or some other female relative/friend of the family who helped them see through the double standards, media stereotypes, etc. and realize that they could do anything and be anything they wanted, given certain limitations of hard work, talent, etc.
I'm wondering now if they had any stories like that about their dads that I just didn't get to hear. For the most part, it'd be pretty hard to go back and ask them, but it's really easy to ask all of you. Do you have any stories like that about your dads? In other words, do any of you have dads I should look to as positive role models as I take on the hardest job of my life?
I saw this over at Finally and it seems a fitting place to start this blog.
"I just saw a similar display of this problem on a forum. A woman said that she had asked the manager of a store to change a sign that said “Boys' toys” to just “Toys.” The forum filled up full of abuse that she was being a “politically correct dictator” and insistence that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that sign because little girls themselves are the ones who choose not to play with trucks and action figures. People seem to think that when a feminist objects to things like this it is solely because they are personally offended. The social conditioning that feminists wish to remove is not taken into consideration."
Far, far from us may all such circular reasoning be.
I like to think that if a middle school assistant principal strip searched my daughter because of a rumor that she might be carrying ibuprofen, I would go to every single school board meeting and demand to know why he/she hadn't been fired yet. But when I look into my heart of hearts, I feel a strong desire to do violence.
On the bright side, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled 5-3 that her rights were violated. Unfortunately, Judges Michael Daly Hawkins, Alex Kozinski, and Carlos T. Bea all feel that it is appropriate to force a 13-year old girl to strip in order to keep our schools safe from Motrin.
What in the holy hell is wrong with these people?
So, for my first post, I wanted to throw out this question that has caused more strife between me and my guy than anything else.
I'm keeping my name. He's keeping his. I'm not ok with just giving our (way, way, way in the) future kids his last name.
Any creative solutions out there?
