Recently in Harassment Category

Maybe it's just that I'm still pissed off at the guy on the bus today that kept touching my ass, but coming home to see this event invite on my Facebook account just blows me away:

It's "Grab an ass day" - supposedly slated for this Thursday. I've reported it to the Facebook authorities, whoever they may be, though I encourage everyone else to do the same. This event needs to be shut down!

I've already submitted this to Holla Back , and it's up on my blog .

It's been awhile since I've posted here, but this incident infuriated me.

This was taken at the Union Square 14th St station. My friend and I were waiting for the 4 train and were dressed up for Halloween. She was fighting with her boyfriend and also quite inebriated so she sat on the platform (ew, but what can you do?). I crouched next to her to comfort her. That's when I noticed some a**hole on the opposite platform zooming in on my friend's crotch and his flash go off. He actually walked to the edge of the platform and bent to get her crotch. I tried to alert her, but she was too drunk to move. I pulled my camera out, and he immediately hid behind a metal pillar. I snapped the shot as fast as I could and shouted some choice words at him. He hid behind that damn pillar until the next train came. I wish the photo was less blurry. I was shaking with anger. It had already been a bad night and though I've been harassed before, no one's ever aimed a camera at me. It felt so violating that someone I don't know has a picture of my friend's crotch, and possibly me, is showing his stupid friends, and maybe posting it on the internet somewhere. He was a young guy, mid-twenties, with short black hair. He wasn't wearing a costume, but a maroon track jacket and jeans. It was so frustrating to just stand on the other side of the platform while that perv looked at his camera. At least there's Holla Back.

I'm feeling a weird mixture of accomplishment, anger and pride. I've always had feminist ideas, but only recently realised that my beliefs and values were based on feminism. Over the past year I've been reading and educating myself further and learning why I thought things were right/wrong/confusing etc. One of the common things that seems to be underlying many issues is power and the way the party with the power uses or abuses that power (regardless of whether the holding of that power is real, perceived, just or unjust).

I can see through my own socialisation that I've had values and perceptions of power, eg. who could have power of me and what was acceptable, from birth. In particular I have a lot of trouble standing up to men (I am a cis gendered, straight female) in my life who I believe hold power over me particularly around issues of sex/sexuality. (Whether they do or not is another question, but I think that because I believe that I can't stand up to them that 'they'* actually do hold power over me.) In the past this fear or belief that what I wanted wasn't as important has led to unwanted/begrudgingly consensual sex. Part of my fear was that I would be called a prude, uptight, called a tease or a variety of other names or I guess in the extreme sex would be taken from me anyway. Part of this was my belief that in a relationship there was a right to sex/touching etc. or that I couldn't speak up - particularly if I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me. However, this hasn't just happened in dating relationships that I've been involved in.

An article about this was posted to the "What We Missed" section of the main blog at Feministing. "What We Missed" indeed. What the editors missed in including this link is that it is profoundly sexist and racist itself, even as it tries to inoculate itself against that charge by finger-pointing at white women for being racist because they don't reply to a random given male user on their website who messages them asking for a date.

While I have no doubt that racism is alive and well, I want to note that generalizing about black women as generally nicer, more talkative, and more sexually available than white women is not exactly a new finding -- it is an awful stereotype about "oversexed black women" versus "frigid white women" that does neither person any favors. 

Some choice quotes:

Crossposted to FeministLookingGlass.com

Tracee Hamilton, a new sports columnist for the Washington Post, wrote a column today , following up on the Erin Andrews case, discussing stalking and victim-blaming. It’s a rather personal column, as she opens up about a stalker who followed her for years, instilling terror and helplessness in her for more years to follow. It’s a chilling read, but it’s relevant to the Erin Andrews case, and to many women’s lives.

Hamilton was stalked for years by a man she met in school; he sent her explicit and threatening letters, made frequent silent telephone calls, and stood outside her window all night. And on top of it, school administrators and even a mental health professional blamed her for the man’s unstable state of mind:

"I still remember standing there, in the dark, phone in my hand, shaking, as [a therapist] went on and on about my ‘boyfriend’ and my poor treatment of him. You see, my boyfriend wasn’t in therapy. The ‘boyfriend’ he was describing was my stalker. Slowly it came to me: I was being chastised by a mental health professional for being mean to the man who was torturing me. And finally, I snapped."

As Hamilton writes,

"Some people may think that the worst thing that happened to Andrews is that video clip on the Internet. As awful as that violation of privacy was, remember that Andrews also has to live with the knowledge that this man stalked her all over the country, that at times only a hotel door separated her from a clearly obsessed and disturbed man. As hard as it is to remove a video from the Internet, that’s how hard it is to remove that kind of fear from your mind. And that’s why I’m tired of the endless debate about whether Andrews somehow “asked for it.”"

As strange as it is that people would suggest Andrews and other stalking victims “asked for it,” this is just another example of how women are frequently blamed for initiating harassment, rape, and abuse. Even Christine Brennan, a female sports columnist who spoke at a feminist conference I attended, suggested that Erin Andrews brought it on herself because of “short skirts” and “beauty” (see this post ).

About 1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men will be stalked in their lifetime. What’s more, according to the National Center for Victims of Crime, 76% of femicide (murder of a woman) victims had been stalked by the person who killed them, and 56% had reported their stalker to the police prior to their murder.

I’ve never been stalked, in a continuous, long-term, serious way. But I can also say that there’s not one woman I know who hasn’t at one time been followed, cornered, or otherwise harassed. I can tell you how frustrated, angry, and powerless you feel while being trailed in every aisle in a store; followed on your way home; stalked on the street at night; harassed at a bar, restaurant, or at work. But I can’t even imagine what it’s like for the situation to persist over weeks, months, years– and on top of it, have people you go to for help blame you, or do nothing. I’m glad Tracee Hamilton had the courage to share her experience in such a public way, especially to remind us that no one deserves it, and that not all, or even most, victims of stalking “have been pretty blonde women with high-profile television jobs.”

According to The Huffington Post, here are a few things you can do to avoid being sexually harassed. Read up and take notes, ladies. Read this list to make sure you aren't asking for it!!!!

Has the heady fragrance of Breast Health Month made it Sexual Harassment Month?

We have Dave joking about his office affair, Roman getting high profile help for raping a 13 year old, Coupled with the iPhone App that simulates looking up a co-workers skirt.

In Fiscal Year 2008, the Equal Economic Opportunity Commission (EEOC) received 13,867 charges of sexual harassment. Hey, I am not male bashing with these stats. 15.9% of those charges were filed by men. EEOC resolved 11,731 sexual harassment charges. They recovered $47.4 million in monetary benefits (not including monetary benefits obtained through litigation).

Barry Halote, Ph.D., a leading expert in sexual discrimination, states that a great percentage of harassment cases go unreported due to the back lash experienced.
He encourages employers to take steps to prevent sexual harassment from occurring.

"When management communicates that sexual harassment will not be tolerated fewer incidents occur." says Halote. Companies can do so by providing sexual harassment training to their employees and by establishing an effective complaint or grievance process and taking immediate and appropriate action when an employee complains.

Here are unexpected tips to help avoid harassment.

You Teach People How To Treat You
From the first day you walk in the door act like a professional. Work is not a popularity contest. Set boundaries, and teach people how to treat you. Be aware of what you say and how you behave. Don't let the door be opened to disrespectful behavior.

Dress For Success
Sorry ladies. The advice is to dress conservatively. Sure, they wear mini skirts on TV and magazines. Don't do it at work. Sexy= Slutty when you are in the office. So, if you want to be taken seriously, then dress seriously.

Give Them What They Want
Sexual harassers are insecure human beings. The best way to diffuse harassment is to give them what they want: attention and praise. Complement them. If the harasser had more self respect they would treat others with more respect. Acknowledge their work, the plant on their desk or best of all their hobby. It will distract them from harassing you.

Nip It In The Bud
From the first smell of harassment be firm but confront the harasser.
"It makes me uncomfortable when you _____. " Short direct sentences and concrete examples work best.

Dear Diary
Keep a very detailed diary of the incidents. Listen to yourself. If you are at all uncomfortable, then something is wrong. If the behavior persists tell a supervisor. Harassment is illegal and you will want a very clear paper trail and as many witnesses as possible.

I love starting my week off with a healthy dose of victim blaming, don't you????

This is my first time posting on the community, but I wanted some input from feminists on something that happened at work last night.  I want to put in as many details as possible because I'm not sure what my main problem is, and I want to open it for discussion to kind of get to the root of it.  I also don't know how to do a jump, so I'm sorry if I'm cluttering up your community page.

Some background on myself and my beliefs:  I'm a feminist, I have been calling myself one since I was a child.  I also am sensitive with that men with no experience with feminism or limited ability to bond with women and believe that they need to be treated with forgiveness, but that a clear message needs to be sent about unacceptable behavior and the humanity and equality of women.    I have strong beliefs about sexual harassment in the workplace and believe that every woman has the right to speak up about if she chooses to without reprecussions.

*Trigger Warning especially in links*

Nobody does misogyny quite like those privileged souls at Reddit. For the uninitiated, reddit is a community of Sodini-apologists (at worst identifiers), vicious MRA’s, “show us your tits” boors and victim blamers (multiple links but this one has a couple of typical comments). There have been countless posts/comment threads that have lead to me saying “This is the last time I visit this site” and then on a day when my favorite blogs have either not updated or don’t have much new content, I visit it all over again. The most recent post that caused me to write this post was this one on street harassment. It’s sickening, it’s triggering and left me despairing whether women will ever have the freedom to walk from A to B alone in a public space.

The premise of this sick article is that women like to be stared at and harassed and that when we complain about it, we’re simply trying to show off. Apparently the only women who are harassed are those who “flaunt their chests” and that it is super doper unfair to the menz that we flaunt ourselves and yet complain when they look.

[*purdah - the practice of preventing women from being seen by men. This takes two forms: physical segregation of the sexes and the requirement for women to cover their bodies and conceal their form]

The other day the NY Times carried an article of a woman-only train in India entitled "Indian Women Find New Peace in Rail Commute ."  The article discusses how incidents of pinches, groping, stroking, and staring at women in crowded trains got so frequent and so bad, that first they created women-only train cars.  These would then be invaded by men who were, according to the article, escaping overcrowding in the other cars, but you and I can surmise as to whether they were claiming their woman, their space,.  So therefore they created a completely separate train for women.  This too is in danger of being invaded by men - boys come in to use the bathrooms, men glare from the station platform, and have spoken outright of closing the "Ladies Special" train down. 

This is wonderful for those women who have just had enough.  Why should they have to put up with daily harassment? How nice that they can have a peaceful unmolested ride to and from work.

This is not wonderful because it is segregation, a modern day purdah , and does nothing to tell men that their behavior is unacceptable and disgusting.  Why is it that women have to cover themselves, separate themselves, and be protected from men when men are never held accountable for not being able to keep their hands, eyes, and words to themselves?  And as someone who has had to deal with these men - trust me, they are in States with the same bad habits - while they may not be close enough to pinch, they think they can freely stare at women as if they owned them and even worse - those of you who've been flashed or have had men fondle themselves know what I'm talking about.  I was once on the E train and a man was blatantly gazing at a woman's breasts, and she asked him if he lost something there. (God bless you amazing Latina girl, you inspired this desi girl to become a feisty woman right there - I stare back now, I don't get tired of it, so I win every stare contest because really, I'm trying to figure out what the allure is of staring...).    He walked to the other end of the car.  They are so surprised if women don't just look away or bear it because they've gotten away with it for generations. 

A few weeks ago, I was visiting my parents in my hometown, a moderately-sized city. My mom and dad live in the “nice” part of town, in a neighborhood that has the feel of a small-town community. I spent years walking around, going to get coffee, running to the grocery store, buying gifts for birthday parties, etc. It's a sweet little district, and it's where I went to school until I was 14, went to the movies with my friends, and took longs walks around to think.

It's also the place where I first encountered catcalls. I remember the first time—I was going up to the store on an overcast Saturday, probably to buy candy. I was a boyish twelve-year-old in jeans and a sweatshirt, and when I was passing the middle school, an older man drove by and whistled. It was startling, but it wasn't traumatizing.

In the ten years since, I have been catcalled thousands of times, by men and boys of all ages, in cities across the country, in every season, in every state of dress. It's at the point where I don't register many of the whistles anymore.

When I was at home last month, I was walking from my parents' house to the same store on a Saturday. It was sunny, and I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. This time, I was with a tall male friend. We crossed the street, and he turned to me and asked if the guy on the corner had just whistled at me. I looked at him, thought for a second, and said that probably he did, but I didn't notice anymore. If it happens nine out of the ten times you're outside, mostly minor catcalls get ignored. He said, “Oh. You know, I've only been catcalled once,” and told a story about when he got a haircut at 16 and a woman had hollered at him from a car. He said it made him feel attractive.

I didn't know what to say for a second, and then I told him that when it happens all the time, it's not complimentary. It feels like strangers are trying to take ownership of my body. It feels like I'm no longer a person, but a billboard or a sex doll. It's being told that people don't need to know me, that because of my breasts and vagina they can tell me, publicly and often, that my worth is tied only to those organs. I told him that one summer, I was afraid to go outside. It felt like assault. It felt like a trap. My body, personhood, womanhood, femalehood, was a sick joke that everyone got to tell.

He got uncomfortable. He changed the subject.

What would you have said?

As many of you know, I recently wrote a post about how I was a victim of phone harassment and stalking. Well it does look like my stalker has moved on, at least for now, and the calls and texts have stopped. I still plan on changing my phone number (which is an annoying process since I've had the same number for soooo many years) and I am contemplating filing a restraining order against him (the only reason I say contemplating is because I know this process can be difficult and since he was never physically violent towards me it will make it harder).

But after I sent him a text message specifically telling him NOT to contact me, I was flooded with texts and calls from him. It got scary to tell you the truth. Even though he was stalking/harassing me via my phone, I was afraid. I packed a bag and headed to my parents' house. Yes, he also knew where they lived but I figured if he came looking for me he'd first go to my apartment. So off to my parents' house I went and I made sure to park a block away so if he came there looking for me he wouldn't see my car in their driveway.

Anyway, like I said, I think he has given up. As far as I know he didn't come looking for me (thank goodness!) and I haven't received any more calls from him. But upon reading his texts and listening to the voicemails he left me it actually had me laughing (upon reflection, not at first). It was all just so textbook. He was doing exactly what stalkers/harassers/abusers do! He fit the mold perfectly!

I am a freshman in college. I live on campus. I cannot walk alone during the day time on my college campus. Why? Because of the creepy stalker who refuses to leave all the girls on campus alone. He falls under the same category of thought as the man who walked into the gym in pennsylvania and shot all of those women (can't remember his name). He thinks that he deserves female companionship because he keeps himself clean. He accosts women any where he can, calling sexually explicit requests at us. He screams at us when we walk past "and I just want to get laid". He grabs women and blocks their paths not allowing them to move when and where they want. He tries to lure girls into his room. And its not just one girl that he does this too. Its every single female on campus who have to deal with him. No girl likes him because of his creepy stalker like behavior.

Technically other than grabbing the girls he hasn't broken any of the universities rules so they can't do anything. But it pisses me off that I can't feel safe walking to my classes alone. Basically because of him I cannot ever have any time to just be by myself. I am an introvert. I need alone time. But I can't get any because I am too afraid that this guy is going to snap when he is following me and I will be the victim of his anger towards women, or worse he will finally get fed up enough and he will rape me. Girls can't even walk with other girls around without being stopped by him. Basically the more girls that are walking together the more it energizes him to harass us even more.

Unless we have male escortship we can't go anywhere without risking running into him. Myself and my best friend have to be escorted anywhere we want to go because of this guy. Which means any time I want to go anywhere I have to call and ask for someone else to take me over there, like I am two years old.

I am pissed off about this. I have a right to feel safe on my own campus, I have the right to walk where I need to go without being attacked. But I can't do that. Instead I have to be treated like a child and have a male escort anywhere I go. I can't even go from my dorm room to my best friends because this guy is always lurking somewhere. I should not have to live like this. Why is it that we give these guys the benefit of the doubt. Why does an attack have to occur before the school can do something. Isn't his commenting enough? Does anyone else have this problem on their campus? How did you handle it?

My friends and I enjoy going to a karaoke bar once a week.  Most of us are married or in an exclusive relationship, but we do dress up kind of sexy, sing sexy songs, and dance on-stage.  It's a lot of fun.

This week, I was playing billiards with a friend I hadn't seen in months.  He had brought someone I didn't know along with him.  I wasn't comfortable around this new acquaintance -- a stranger, really -- but I was being nice.  I was surrounded by friends (including my husband) so I felt secure.  At one point I bent over to sink the eight ball, and this stranger took his own pool cue and, to put it nicely, forcibly probed a private area of my body.

I turned around and said, "What the fuck are you doing?  Don't touch me."  Thinking back on it, I wish I had made a bigger deal out of it.  I wish I had been loud and drawn attention to him. But I was so surprised, that was all I did.

It disgusts me that I feel like I have to defend myself, as though I was doing something wrong.  As if there's something wrong with baring my midriff, having a single Long Island Iced Tea, and being nice to people.  It's not my fault that a stranger felt he could intrude upon my personal space in a very rude, very violating way.  But I feel like it's my fault.

Disturbed, I mentioned it to my friend.  I wasn't really expecting him to do anything about it, even though he had brought this disgusting example of a human being along, but some sympathy would have been nice. Instead, I earned a nonchalant "it happens" in response and patronizing look.  Kind of like I had earned that treatment by looking good and drinking alcohol.  It was more upsetting to me that one of my long-time friends, who I trusted so implicitly, would treat me like that, than the actual act of violation itself.  (I've already stopped hanging out with him.  He's giving me the "oh silly feminist, you'll get over it" treatment and won't let me explain to him why he's suddenly persona non grata, so I'm kind of wondering why I didn't ditch the asshole long ago.)

This isn't the first incident we've had at that particular bar.  My sister actually had a worse encounter (although not physical) with one of the bouncers on a night I wasn't there.  The conversation was like this.

Bouncer : Hey baby, you should come give me a kiss.
Sister : No.
Bouncer : What, you don't date Black guys?
Sister : I don't date guys at all.
Bouncer : I heard that, but I can't believe you've never slept with a guy at all.  Seriously?
Sister : It's none of your business.
Bouncer : You just need a good guy to make you straight!

He kept touching her arm, which was especially dreadful for her since she has social anxiety problems.  Furthermore, the trouble was from a person in a position of authority.  Bouncers are supposed to keep the patrons safe, after all, not harass them.

My friends and I haven't let our bad experiences deter us, but I wish we could go out and enjoy ourselves without facing these kinds of problems.  It's absolutely ridiculous, and it only infuriates me more than I feel responsible for the harrassment, like I should dress more modestly and choose not to drink and stay closer to my husband or something.  I hate it so, so much.

So I did something really stupid a little over a month ago and I'm pretty embarrassed to admit it. I slept with an ex-boyfriend that I absolutely do not like. Not only do I not like him, thinking about what I did makes me want to throw up. And the aftermath of it all is just...I feel like it's all totally my fault. Like I deserve it for doing something so stupid. It's horrible and I don't know what to do.

Just some quick background on this ex: we dated for about a year on and off when I was 19 (I'm 26 now) and had a really rocky relationship. He cheated on me but still to this day will never admit it. I also cheated on him once and did admit it. He also became a compulsive liar about anything and everything while we were together. During the end of our relationship he started to get really angry and yell a lot, though he never became violent towards me (though he was a fan of punching walls and doors). When we broke up we kind of remained friends because we were friends with the same people. Then one night he kicked a chair at my head, and missed instead hitting and denting the ceiling, because of some "mixed signals" he said I gave him and since that time our friendship has been strained to say the least. He'd still call every once in a while to invite me to hang out though I'd always turn him down. But we'd basically talk maybe once every six months online for about 5 minutes.

Yep, that's right folks. Two teachers are being...well, nothing's really happening to them as a result, but they allegedly ridiculed a boy for his perceived homosexuality and people are upset that nothing is happening. I mean, aren't teachers supposed to be the mature, responsible ones who STOP this from happening?? Apparently students followed the nice example set by the teachers and joined in...The boy left the school and returned for a school board meeting where community members discussed disciplinging the teachers.

The school has agreed to pay the student 25,000 dollars, but right now that seems to be all that they're doing...oh and requiring that the teachers take sensitivity training. I guess I don't know what else they can do, what policies are in place when stuff like this happens. Anyone else have any similar stories to share or any ideas about what the school should or can do? It just angers me to no end that these were teachers doing this...

Disclaimer : This is a difficult issue, and I'm sure this post is going to upset some people.  I'm open to criticism, but please take it in good faith that I am trying to address this issue openly and start conversations, not attack anyone's race or culture.

It happened again today.  On my way to work this morning, I heard, "Hey baby.  Good morning, gorgeous."  I don't appreciate this type of street harassment, so I just kept walking and ignored the man.  "Hello?  Hello??   Come on, baby!" he persisted as I walked away, never making eye contact.  Nothing unusual about this situation, it happens all the time.  But then he turned to his friend and made a loud remark to the effect that white women are too stuck up to pay attention to black men.  Basically, he (a black man) accused me (a white woman) of being racist for ignoring his harassment.

I've heard remarks like this before, and it really, really frustrates me.  I had similar experiences numerous times when I lived in Mexico.  A man would harass me on the street (or in a club, in a restaurant, etc), and I would ignore him or politely turn him down.  "What, you don't like Mexicans?"  I often heard.  Or, "too stuck up to pay attention, gringa?  Think you're too good for me?"  I even had a man try to grope me on the dance floor, physically restrain me when I tried to walk away, and continuously try to kiss me against my will, all the while accusing me of being stuck up and racist for trying to reject him.

I understand that in some cases, white women are stuck up, or may respond differently to harassment depending on the race of the harasser.  I don't deny that men of color sometimes feel condescended to by white women, and that this is a legitimate frustration.  I also know that Mexican men have a long history of being exotified, objectified, and rejected etc by visiting American women, and that this is also a legitimate frustration.  But I have the same response to all harassment without regard to the race or nationality of the harasser -- keep walking, ignore them, don't make eye contact.  To be accused of being racist while ignoring inappropriate comments on the street is really hurtful, and makes me feel like I have to somehow explain myself or justify my decision not to engage with harassers. 

Do folks have suggestions for how to deal with this type of accusation?  Any insight to the ways that men occasionally use race and guilt as an excuse to perpetrate sexual harassment?  Insights into what kind of anger is behind these accusations so that I can better sympathize with harassers' concerns, even if they're not true in my case?

And please, know that I am NOT trying to say that only men of color harass.  I've been harassed by men of all colors.  I've been harassed by homeless men and men in business suits.  I've been harassed by men in dozens of countries on four continents.  In this post, I am trying to address the difficulties that arise when I'm harassed by some men of color, which adds a layer of discomfort for me because by ignoring or rejecting their advances, I am sometimes made to feel like I am rejecting them BECAUSE of their race, which is absolutely NOT the case.

I am in need of some legal assistance with a sexual harassment suit in the DC area. The first lawyer (who claimed to be feminist) basically told me that there was nothing they could do because it all is my "fault" even though this guy has been fired previously from other companies for sexual harassment and has a history of abuse. I did a little bit a looking around but the phone book and internet just aren't cutting it. Anyone know any good lawyers or advocacy groups that I could go to for guidance? Thank you.

Last week a very good friend of mine, "E" was moving into a new apartment with his girlfriend and another guy I know, "C." I volunteered to help because I have a truck. I ended helping C, because most of E and his girlfriend's things were already at the apartment. The moving didn't take very long and since we were all already at the apartment we decided to hang out.
E and his girlfriend went to bed around 10:30, so C and I were left alone. I didn't really want to leave yet, so we watched a movie. While it was playing C came and lay down behind me (we were on a coach). This initially didn't bother me because I've known him forever and it seemed harmless. After we'd been lying like this for a while he started rubbing my hand, back, and arm, and he even attempted to hold my hand. I was extremely uncomfortable and didn't know what to do, but I was eventually able to get away and go home.
This event seems completely harmless and nothing really happened. But I feel completely violated. Not sexually violated (which I'm sure would be 100% worse), but emotionally violated. I really don't know what to do and I thought this would be the place for advice.

I have recently seen more than one commenter on Feministing say this and I, for one, am baffled by it.

Catcalling is something that, unfortunately, I am very very used to. And I have been for some time. The first time I remember becoming aware of the aggressive catcalling being done around me (and aimed directly at me) was when I attended college in New Orleans. I don't think it was because catcalling is a New Orleans phenomenon or anything, but that's where I became more aware of feminism and gender roles and that kind of thing. So I think I was just paying more attention to these things all of a sudden. But I'd walk to school from my apartment in a hoodie and jeans, no make-up, looking like I just rolled out of bed...and the catcalls would come. It wasn't everyday to be sure, but it was plenty often. Sometimes it would be just be a guy just leaning out of the window of his car and honking his horn to show his approval of my looks. Then it could be a group of men hooting and hollering for me to get in their car and show them a good time.

Since then I've moved a few times but I've always lived in major cities (DC and now back in my hometown of Chicago). The catcalling continues. It doesn't seem to matter what I'm wearing, although it's almost guaranteed if I have a skirt on. In the beginning I just rolled my eyes or picked up my pace, avoided the men calling out to me at all costs. But lately I've gotten more and more annoyed and yelled back at them, when I feel it's safe enough to do so. Last week I told someone to shut the fuck up and that he was old enough to be my grandfather, which was true.

I'm not a model or anything, I don't wear make-up every time I step outside of my house, my clothes aren't anything special, but these are many of the reasons I hear people list when they say they aren't catcalled. All my girl friends are catcalled, I don't know a single one who hasn't been. None of them are models either. I've been overweight: still catcalled. Underweight: same thing. So I guess my question is, and I'm seriously asking this, where do these people live that this catcalling doesn't exist? Is it just an urban phenomenon? Does it not happen in small towns? Or is it just that it's more subtle in those types of places where the people know each other so it's not called "catcalling?" Because these same commenters say they've never even seen anyone catcalled either, so what is it? Lack of awareness? What? I just don't see how it's possible to never have seen someone be catcalled.

I read this at the website NotAlwaysRight. If the Barista's experience is true, the story is very sad. But the "why aren't you smiling" discussion has made repeat appearances here at feministing, so I thought I'd share it.

(Note: I’m a customer and overhear this exchange while waiting in line.)

Barista: “Here’s your change… have a nice day.”

Customer: “You know, you haven’t smiled once.”

Barista: “Sorry.”

Customer: “I’m so sick of the attitude of people in the service industry! Is it so hard to give your customers a smile as you’re pouring water through beans? You all are so arrogant, it makes me sick!”

Barista: *eyes begin to well up*

Customer: “Why aren’t you smiling?!”

Barista: “…because my father died last night.”

(At this point, you could hear a pin drop. The customer is literally glared out of the shop, forgetting her coffee.)

The story that prompted the titular question:

S*, D* and I are all members of an inter-collegiate sports team. About a year ago, S* and D* began dating. I never liked D* since we had worked together and he had been horribly condescending and rude to me, but S liked him so I tried to keep my mouth shut. I hung out with S* for part of the summer and she seemed happy. She was working closely with another friend, A* (male). By the end of the summer, S* and D* had broken up. D* told anothe friend of ours that S* had cheated on him with A*.

S* told me a different story: While she and D* started out well, she started to feel that he was being a little to controlling. He told her not to talk to her ex-boyfriend, even though S* and her ex had remained close friends. He didn't like her two best friends either and tried to get her away from them. One time, S* came in with a henna design on her hand (her two best friends are Indian) and D* freaked out at her, saying it "wasn't appropriate" when they were visiting D*'s parents. D* also went behind her back to A* and tried to convince A* to stop working with S*, telling him S* was lazy and not a good coworker. All the while, he was trying to make S* work with him. He frequently insulted me and all of S*'s friends, yet got really angry when S* said something about a friend of his (it wasn't even meant to be an insult). He constantly threatened to tell people S* had cheated on him with A*. S* didn't want to talk about it, but she did say he pressured her "in other ways" as well.

"Selangor Community Awareness Association member and lawyer Honey Tan said sexual harassment on public transportation in Malaysia is common and she said many women don’t report it.

“‘Even if you don’t think the police can solve the case, the statistics are important to justify the police’s request for more manpower [sic]. Making a police report is not just your right, but your obligation ,’ she said.” (via AsiaOne Motoring)

There are tons of reasons why victims/survivors don’t report incidents of street harassment & assault, like not having enough time/energy, fear of being blamed for the harassment/assault, fear of wasting their time because their complaint won’t be taken seriously, fear of retaliation from the harasser, an inability to identify the harasser, etc. So saying it’s their obligation to report it may be a bit naive.

On the other hand, I do think that the problem of gender-based public harassment and assault by strangers won’t be taken seriously by law and policy makers unless the numbers (reports) show there’s a problem. The numbers won’t show there’s a problem if the crimes are vastly under reported (which they are).

Of course currently websites like the Holla Backs and others allow women to share their street harassment stories, but these aren't "reports" and they aren't being counted or considered by the police or policy makers when they make decisions around issues like public transportation, community safety, and gender socialization education.

Right now it seems like conducting surveys are the best way to show the real harassment numbers, but it may be better to have more accurate reports too. If suddenly a city was having women report street harassers daily, I think they'd take the problem more seriously than they would over the results of a survey (no matter how compelling). Constant reporting would be a constant reminder.

So a thought: what about the creation of a second type of complaint form someone could fill out about the harassment (anonymously and/or with the ability to do it online) if they don't necessarily want to press charges but just want to help show the real numbers of harassment incidents? Does anyone know if such a form/system exists in any city or country?

Would there be too much room for false reporting? (Though what would the incentive be for false reporting if its purpose is to function as a way to gather data, not to prosecute the harasser?)

Anyway, I'm typing out loud on this and wanted to hear from you all on this issue. Thanks!

(Partially cross-posted at Stop Street Harassment Blog)

This angry feminist wants to know: what is your favorite reply to daily sexism?

Many times, I don't know how to respond to the things that irk me in daily or weekly life. How do you reply to these things?

Random strangers saying "Why aren't you smiling?" or "Smile for me."
Me: "Because you're talking to me" or my timeless staple, "Fuck off." These will usually be answered with the patronizing "Whoooaa." Yeah, whoa, dickface.

Catcalls or stares.
Me: Usually trying to ignore them. Unfortunately, that just doesn't make me feel better the way a swift kick in the nuts would. I truly hate this version of excluding women from the public sphere. Often I couldn't even walk a few blocks to the store on Wilshire when I lived in Santa Monica in sweats without being made to feel like I didn't have a right to be outside.

This is a long and involved story that started about two years ago, but I will skip all the details to get to what is bothering me. The summation is that my dear friend, myself, and three other girls that we know of had questionably consensual sex with the same guy at different times. I say questionably consensual because there were many different mitigating circumstances (alcohol, emotional manipulation, persistence etc) that when taken one at a time are just a one night bad mistake but taken in context of all five of us create a pattern.

Well...

I have this friend who is really a gentleman most of the time but sometimes...

He says some really offensive and disrespectful stuff, he even calls me a whore sometimes (I'm not even close to coming underneath that title). I pretend like I think it's funny, because I don't want to seem like a tightwad, but it's really hurtful. He also teases me for being so innocent about sex... Deliberately making sex jokes and laughing at me when I don't really understand them.

I mean don't get me wrong, he's a really good guy and all, but... Sometimes. 

Should I confront him? I suppose he's a nice enough person to stop if I ask him to...(?)

Am I blowing this out of proportion? 

P.S. Thanks for letting me speak honestly like this... I feel like I have no one else to turn to.

At my old school in Montville, NJ, a senior was suspended for partaking in a May Madness contest, and he thinks that the punishment was too harsh. In this contest, boys rate girls on their appearance in a March Madness-style bracket.

Normally, I wouldn't write about a story like this, although it is highly sexist. However, there's a catch to it that really gets me: my own brother's started the contest about five years ago. This story has been on websites for USAToday, ABC's Eyewitness News, and others. It is quite humiliating that not only are people actually sympathetic to the kid who got in trouble, but my own brothers are proud of their newfound "fame" and the attention this story is getting.

As a feminist, this is very hard for me to deal with. Both of my brothers are older than me, and despite my many attempts to tell them why some of their beliefs and actions are misogynistic, I feel like nothing I say will change them and they'll only further isolate me more for speaking out.

I write this as not only a feminist, but someone in need of advice on dealing with this negative attention. Here's an article about the story.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love to wear dresses and skirts. Poufy ones, skinny ones, every color of the rainbow – and, in general, the shorter the better. Now, before anyone makes any sort of “oh, you must wear short skirts because you WANT attention” remarks, I would like to make it EXTERMELY clear that this is not the case. I wear skirts because I love my body, and in particular I love my legs. I love the feel of having sunshine on my bare skin, and I love how skirts look on me. I feel good when I wear a skirt – much better and much more confident than when I'm wearing a pair of pants. They are so much more flattering on my body and so much easier to move in than a pair of jeans. At least, that's my opinion. I really could care less about what other people think of my appearance.

That being said, I cannot express how utterly sick and tired I am of getting catcalled and harassed by men on the street who seem to think that it's their right to make obscene comments on my appearance, the way I walk, and what they would like to do to me. What, do they expect me to lie down and spread my legs in the air for them because I chose to wear something that makes me feel good? No thanks – I actually have self-respect. While I understand and have no problem with the fact that many women wear short skirts in order to attract attention, a short skirt is not and should not be considered an indicator of a woman's sexual proclivities. Note that most men who catcall say only what they would like to do TO a woman – not what they would like to do WITH her. As if women are objects to be used at will. Just because I am wearing a particular article of clothing does not mean that I am an object to be fucked, no matter how much “easy access” a skirt provides or what the behavior of other women has been in the past. Nor does it mean that I am a brainless ditz – in fact, I am a pre-law student who is double majoring while working between 6 and 20 hours per week on top of that. Even if I was unintelligent, that still wouldn't give anyone the right to make assumptions about me based on my appearance. Yes, in many cases the only judgment we are able to make about other people is based on their appearance, but that doesn't make it right. Just because societal stereotypes dictate that a woman in a skirt is fair game for any man doesn’t mean it’s true.

While gender-based street/public harassment occurs year round, it can ramp up in the spring. And hey look, it's spring ...

As some feministing community members may know, but most may not, I maintain an anti-street harassment website with strategies and resources for dealing with/fighting street harassment, and a companion blog with stories from contributors and my commentary on street harassment-related news. Recent stories you may have missed elsewhere but I covered on the blog include Anti-Harassment Day in Egypt (April 18), the one-year report on Boston's anti-sexual harassment subway campaign , the murder of a woman runner in Vancouver , sexual harassment on the New Delhi metro , and a subway harasser in NY who was recently arrested.

Having personally cowered in the face of harassers for years without knowing where to turn or realizing how widespread the problem is, I hope the website & blog can help you if you're feeling frustrated/angry/helpless/scared because of street harassment. I hope you can realize you're not alone in facing this problem, gain strength from reading the stories of others/sharing your story, learn new strategies for dealing with harassers, and gain resources and ideas for becoming an activist on this issue in your community.

Ultimately, street harassment won't end until the harassers stop, but I hope raising awareness around the issue - especially through our stories - can help us reach that point.

And while I'm already doing a post on this, male allies, this is for you .

(and </shameless self-promotion>)

OMG!! I would really like your opinions on this!

Just leaving a friend's house today...and I get sexually harassed (verbally).

As I am sure many of you know...women get harassed on the street every day. And I am no exception!

But this was SO very disturbing...because the person who was harassing me was on a small child's tricycle...and a boy of no more than FIVE year's old!!!

I absolutely promise that this is not a joke! I have posted many times on this site before and this actually happened to me today!!

The small boy said things to me like "Youuu're gooorgeous" and "Look at those legs!!!" Now, I would usually say something back - but this was a child!!

:::sigh::: I was content with just being a feministing lurker, but I have to delurk myself to show you all this article written by a victim of a groper who had been recently targeting female pedestrians on the U of Minnesota campus.

Granted, I realize I'm not one to judge how an individual should react to being sexually harassed--but I think the messages being conveyed in this article is well a tad problematic (refer to my title). What do you all think?

And if the article is supposed to be some ironic commentary against the jailing of the mentally impaired---then I'm just not getting it. 

Here are some articles on the groper.

Amanda Terkel, a blogger for ThinkProgress, wrote an almost unbelievable account of her stalking by FOX News crews while on vacation so they can ambush her about a comment she had written calling bullshit on Bill O'Reilly's hypocracy towards rape victims.

Her story is here: http://thinkprogress.org/2009/03/23/watters-ambush/

"My friend and I were in this small town for a short weekend vacation and had told no one about where we were going. I can only infer that the two men staked out my apartment and then followed me for two hours. Looking back, my friend and I remember seeing their tan SUV following us for much of the trip."

...as if I needed another reason to hate that man and that channel.  This is the off-air version of O'Reilly's on-air tactic of just yelling over any guest who disagrees with him. That O'Reilly is so insecure about critical reaction to his comments to the point of stalking his critics is amazing, and that any news channel would put up with this kind of behavior and still take itself seriously is absurd.  FOX News is to journalism what World Wrestling Entertainment is to sports.

The final question to this situation is: should I hang back at the risk of her, or should I get more involved at the risk of me?

I have a female friend who in the last few months has dated X,Y,and Z (all male).  She also is rather non-feminist, feeling that there are specific gender roles for a reason.  However, she is at the same time working on her Ph.D., so she's not stupid.  It frustrates me, but we've been friends for years and have been there to support each other when we've needed it.  I was there through her divorce, she gave me a place to stay when an ex started snooping around and made me feel unsafe (he did it because he knew I had another ex that did the same, also giving me panic attacks).  We have keys to each other's houses to give each other a safe place to go.

The story:

I am talking about street harassers, something that I am sure has affected many others as well. I live in New York City, and perhaps it is more prevalent in “urban” areas, but there is not one day that goes by without a man whistling, honking, calling me by a body part, or whispering – literally IN MY EAR – disrespectful and demeaning comments. This all goes back to rape culture and how sexual violence is condoned and normalized in our society. Through the media, social “norms,” and common attitudes, such actions get excused. “Oh, but it’s a compliment – he thinks you are beautiful!” Riiight . So my whole day should turn around because some random man decided to tell me my tits look nice today. My bad, next time I'll thank you.

This bothers me because I feel like I cannot freely walk down the street. Let me site a few examples from just this week....

Walking to class, a man whistled at me and then got mad that I did not respond to him. Am I a dog? Am I really supposed to turn around and greet you when you whistle at me? There is a difference between saying, “Hi how are you,” and politely smiling and whistling at a woman.

Another example: exiting the subway after work, I pass a little convenient store. The man in the store said, “What’s up Little Red Riding Hood?” alluding to my red coat. This bothers me because, even if he did not consciously intend to do so, this evokes the following: 1) it infantilizes me and perpetuates a fetish of little girls, 2) Little Red Riding Hood is a fictional character in a fantasy story, and 3) Little Red Riding Hood is a story about a girl who is lost in the woods and is preyed upon by the Big Bad Wolf. Walking down the streets I often feel like I have to hide from the “Big Bad Wolf” – or in my case, sexual harassers.

Those "nice guys" who are just "sweet on you"

... until, of course, they understand they won't get their dick sucked. Then they turn into assholes.

How many women have stories of the proverbial "nice guy" who carries your books, your groceries, your packages, your suitcases, or shovels your walk, or your stairs, or stops cooking that noxious stuff in his kitchen, or is always there to unclog a drain or fix this and that... until you say "no". As in: no, I don't want more than a friendship. No, I don't want you touching me. No, I don't want you back in my private space again because of what you did the last time. No, I don't have time to talk. And finally: No, I don't want any favours from you. No, I don't owe you anything.

I don't know why this type of thing sends me into an absolute rage. I get angrier at this kind of behaviour than I have at actual assaults. I think it's because it's deceptive. Not only that, but the public view seems to be that the guy "hasn't done anything wrong" because "he was being nice." It pisses me off no end. He's the one who gets all the sympathy because the "poor guy" was "sweet on you" and you, the bitch, "broke his heart".

Especially if he didn't "do anything." Because hey, if you haven't been physically attacked or injured, it isn't "real".

Anybody else feel this?

I've not written a while because I've been busy with training, before heading over to the vast desert. A few days ago, I had my last four-day pass prior to leaving, and went to Atlantic City. It's interesting that one can take a feminist out of a feminist community, but cannot take the feminism out of the feminist. In the four days that I was in Atlantic City, I saw a great many things worth writing about through the feminist lens. Here, then, is part one of three, which will explore the place of a male within feminism.

This is taken from my laptop journal.

I woke up feeling terrible this morning, and not just because of a slight hangover.

Last night, I went out with my friend Mike and his good friend, Blaine. I had never met Blaine before and he seemed like a pretty decent guy...at first.

The place we went to was crowded and we all had mutual friends there, so we didn't really hang out together and talk or anything. I didn't get a good chance to get to know a little bit more about the type of person Blaine was until after the bars closed.

Mike's friend owns a bar, so we went there for a little afterhours get together. It was just Mike, Blaine, the owner and me.

A few shots later, Blaine begins to talk about porn, women, sex, etc. He's asking me questions about how girls like to fucked and asking me about my own masturbation habits. He gradually becomes ruder with each question and I'm not loving his tone of voice during this conversation either. He then starts demanding that I use my beer bottle to demonstrate how I suck a cock. I told him that first, I would like to see him use his beer bottle to show me how HE does it. He didn't want to, and kept yelling at me to do it. Eventually I did what had to be done and I dumped my entire, full beer all over his head.

Everyone was shocked and kinda tried to make light of it. Mike and the owner complimented Blaine on his composure during the incident, as he just sat there calmly while I poured beer all over him. They told him he, "Took it like a man."

The owner then told me that he probably wouldn't allow me to come to an afterhours ever again, and reminded me that I was very lucky to be a guest in his place and I shouldn't behave in such ways. I told him how nice it was of him to just stand there and watch while his "guests" were being degraded and sexually harassed.

I was also told that I was over sensitive, emotional, and too easy to piss off.

In yesterday's paper (The Toronto Star) I read this really tiny blip about police sexual harassment:

"A Hamilton police sergeant at the centre of a sexual harassment controversy is set to return to active service for the first time in more than three years.

"Kevin Dhinsa has been suspended or on administrative leave since December 2005, when 11 female officers and one civilian employee accused him of sexual harassment.

"Dhinsa was charged in June 2006 with 24 counts under the Police Services Act. But the case was never heard because a [police] tribunal ruled police missed the six-month deadline to lay the charges.

"A date for Dhinsa's return has not been set, Chief Brian Mullan said yesterday."

The thrown out charges (according the the linked article above) "included allegations that Dhinsa, while in Ottawa for a police memorial, called one of the women several times to come to his hotel room and sleep beside him. Another claimed he asked her to sit on his lap and wondered out loud when she was going to visit him and get into the hot tub. There was also a description of an officer confronting Dhinsa about withdrawing a female officer's vacation after approving it. Dhinsa allegedly replied, "She knows how she can get her vacation day back" and made a gesture for oral sex." To add insult, it sounds like Dhinsa was put on paid leave for three years.

Considering (at least in Canada) there are numerous professions that you are barred from working in if you have the slightest tic on your criminal record... (mostly professions to do with children and minors) why the hell aren't police under these same expectations? If anything, police, as people who have been placed in positions of power should undergo some of the most severe screening processes, and any accusations of officers engaging in sexual harassment, assault or unnecessary violence should be followed up completely, whether it's eight days past the "six-month deadline" or eight months. No one who actively harasses people for their own amusement/powerplay/whatever should ever be given a position of power in society.

I've worked as a cashier at KFC for a year, and in that time I've gotten some pretty strange compliments, if one could call them that. Because I have great customer service and am usually smiling and trying to be helpful, I guess one guy thought that meant he could call me "Smiley" and say "I want YOU for dessert!" When I asked one guy if he wanted honey or butter for his biscuits, he remarked to his friends, "She can butter MY biscuits!" One guy (who I honestly thought was trying to be nice) said that he could see me become a manager at KFC. My initial response was shock. Why would I want to waste my life in fast food when I had a perfectly good acceptance letter? Of course, there's nothing wrong with the fast food industry, but my dreams are just a smidgen higher.

And there have been insults, too. Last summer, I dyed my hair blonde, but my hairstylist had failed to inform me that the color of my hair would drastically decimate my IQ. Case in point: I was dealing with a particularly persnickety customer who couldn't make up his mind, and when he had, insisted on me repeating his order. Five times. After he had made up his mind, I sweetly (Did I mention I have great customer service? I seriously wanted to bash his face in) asked if he wanted anything else? He responded with this gem: "No, I wouldn't want to hurt your LITTLE BLONDE BRAIN." That pissed me off. Just because my hair's a certain color, I am suddenly incapable of understanding yet another request? Not to mention that homeboy was being a major douchebag. And that it had ALREADY taken all of my self-control to keep from yelling at the prick. After I had handed him his order, I flashed a smile, and in my best I-am-SO-happy-you-came-here-please-come-again-I'm-not-plotting-your-murder-at-ALL voice said, "And just so you know, I got a 32 on the ACT the first time I took it, and am planning to pursue chemical engineering next year in college--unless, of course, you think the practical application of chemistry, physics, and mathematics would be too much for my 'LITTLE BLONDE BRAIN' to handle."

I've been propositioned, had my number asked for, and been called "hot" and "sexy" (which I guess is an acceptable thing for a stranger to say?) more times than I can recount. My response to these is usually that my girlfriend doesn't like me dating total jerk-offs. (However, this sometimes has the nasty effect of making them even MORE interested.) If they try again, I say that my workplace has a strict sexual harassment policy and if they continue they can vacate the premises immediately. I guess the fact that I'm working and therefore can't beat the shit out of them makes it okay for them to say downright offensive things because I must OBVIOUSLY be available. I mean, a girl who works at a fast food place being in an actual RELATIONSHIP? Ridiculous!

However, today I received what I think was my first actual compliment since I began work there. No comments on my looks, no demands for numbers. Just one guy saying "Thanks for the spunky attitude." =))) I like that word. It just seems like it's one step behind "kickass."

Everybody has thought "I can't believe people STILL act this way" before, as have I. But usually it's reserved for people who are not my close friends, which makes it twice as hard for me to get my head around what I've experienced recently.

A few weeks ago, I got a love letter from one of the worker's at a Tim Horten's near my school. Totally unexpected, and really not wanted, so I've just avoided that place ever since. I didn't like it, but I don't think it was meant in a harassing way, just an incredibly misguided approach at a relationship.

Later on that week, my landlord showed up with some drinks, and we had a few and talked- he's young and I thought it was just us being friends, but then he came onto me by stroking my hands and telling me to "come closer". I was kind of paralyzed with wtf for a few minutes, and then pulled myself away and told him exactly what was what, and tore a strip off him. He said he was sorry and he didn't "mean it that way", which I see as bullshit (what else does stroking hands mean?). (I thought maybe he'd back off, but just before Reading Week he came to my door and asked me what I was doing on Saturday [Valentine's Day], to which I replied, "I'm fucking going home, it's Reading Week. And I don't do things with you". Please, darling landlord, get the fucking message already).

Posted by Deva_Ariza - February 19, 2009, at 09:08AM | in Harassment