Recently in Masculinity Category

A couple of weeks ago my partner mentioned a discussion they had in one of his social work classes regarding disenfranchised grief. I had never even heard of it before, but it captured my imagination, so I've been reading/thinking about it ever since.

Disenfranchised grief is grief over a loss that is not conventionally acknowledged or socially acceptable in your culture. Couples who experience infertility, terminate pregnancy due to some genetic disorder that the fetus had, or have a miscarriage often experience disenfranchised grief. Other examples include grief over the incarceration of a loved one, the death of a pet, the breakup of an unacknowledged relationship (i.e. gay couples who haven't come out yet or have been rejected by their families) or the death of a partner in an unacknowledged relationship, the "loss" of one's parent due to Alzheimer's, the death of an ex-spouse or lover, the recurring grief of a birth mother who gave up a child for adoption, and the grief of an adopted child for the relationship they might have had with their birth parent(s). In many of these cases the people who surround the grieving individual may not understand the depth of the grief involved, or may think it's something the individual should be able to get over already. In other cases, such as in the case of unacknowledged relationships, the individual may not be able to share their grief at all.

So as I've been thinking about this it occurs to me that men may often experience disenfranchised grief more often than women, because it's more socially acceptable for women to express their grief, and because men are often expected not to have the same depth of feeling. I've known several men who really wanted children, and were deeply emotionally invested in having a family. When they (and their partner) encountered infertility or miscarriage, their grief was barely even acknowledged, while their partner received a lot of support. When men do express their grief over infertility or a miscarriage, or don't "get over it" quickly enough, they're viewed with a mixture of confusion and disapproval. So I think this is one example of the damage a patriarchal culture inflicts on men. What do you think of this? Are there other examples of disenfranchised grief I haven't thought of? Are there cases where a woman's grief is more disenfranchised than a man's?

I was wandering through Sainsbury's trying to figure out how to feed myself when I stumbled across the most amazing offensive candy bar I've ever seen: Yorkie--It's not for girls. And yes, that is a purse-carrying fem-bot on the package.

Obviously, Nestle is making a desperate marketing ploy for an under-tapped market, and on some sick level, I hear them. Chocolate has always been a gendered product. Having a bad day, honey? Eat some chocolate. Is PMS making you an irrational psycho? Crack open a snickers. Is your girlfriend still mad at you? Give her some chocolates and she'll forget all about it. In fact, I once had a male co-worker insist that chocolate ice cream was "for girls" while helping himself to another scoop of Strawberry and topping the whole thing off with strawberry sauce, leaving his bowl resembling something rejected from Barbie's Dream Kitchen. (Score one for irony...)

Nevertheless, pandering to gender stereotypes is such a pathetic way to sell something. Unless the Yorkie bar is laced with massive doses of testosterone, I'm pretty sure it's fine for everyone. Nestle's ad campaign is nothing short of farcical, featuring a man and a son in a park together, enjoying a chocolate bar. According to their site,

In 2001 the Yorkie "It’s Not for Girls" campaign was launched because, in today’s society, there aren’t many things that a man can look at and say that’s for him.
The 'Not For Girls' campaign theme for Yorkie uses humour, which resonates with today’s British male and simply states that Yorkie is positioning itself as a chocolate bar for men who need a satisfying hunger buster. With five solid chunks of chocolate, it’s a man sized eat!

Yeah, totally hilarious. (Emphasis mine.)


Nestle also has a good point here. Noting the slow decline of public men-only clubs, and with women making greater strides in male-dominated fields, there isn't much left for a man to say is "for him." You know, other than the presidency, most of Congress, 99% of Wall Street, and, uh, the upper echelons of the pay scale. But not only are these stereoptypes damaging to women, they are also difficult for queer men and non-normative heterosexuals. The implication here is that Yorkie is for men, but specifically for "manly" men--promoting a limited and dangerous definition of what makes a "man." When being a man means you need an exclusionary candy bar to feel masculine and secure, we need to re-visit our definitions of manhood.

And now, in the holiday tradition of making spirits bright, antoher gem from our friends at Cosmopolitan magazine.

Here's the link....

I don't believe I have to rant. It just did it for me.

Happy Holidays.

The National Hockey League has decided today that using your position as a professional athlete to prove your "masculinity" by verbally trashing a woman will not be tolerated .

Dallas Stars player, Sean Avery was suspended today indeinfitely for seeking out a camera in order to deal with his own insecurities. Calling an opponent's current girlfriend his "sloppy seconds" in an interview caused outrage today in Calgary, AB Canada as well as strongly worded statements from the hockey community. Nothing like trying to prove your "manliness" by putting down your ex-girlfriend in public for no apparent reason.

I do like that the NHL didn't hesitate to suspend Avery, and how the team owner, Tom Hicks seconded the decision, stating, "I completely support the league's decision to suspend Sean Avery. Had the league not have suspended him, the Dallas Stars would have. This organization will not tolerate such behavior, especially from a member of our hockey team. We hold our team to a higher standard and will continue to do so."

Sad that 'higher standard' = decency, but the swiftness of the decison is appreciated.

Now if only there could be something done to discourage this kind of behaviour before it happens...and if only MTV would avoid giving this dude more glorifying airtime for lame behaviour...

My Parents

Though I am young, I have always been a politically-minded person, partly due to growing up near the District of Columbia, and partly because I grew up in a bi-partisan household. My mother, a practicing Catholic from the mid-west, is a Democrat and my father, a non-practicing Jew from Long Island, is a Republican.

One thing that always surprised me, though, was how my father was not like the Republicans I usually heard about. Even at the age of nine, I noticed how my Dad simply didn’t fit the usual “Republican” archetype. From ages 5-11, I grew up in a pre-dominantly liberal area of Maryland and I remember during the 2000 election hearing school friends and their parents discuss with themselves how Republicans are anti-woman, anti-gay, anti-environment, racist, Christian right-wing Bible-thumpers. That didn’t fit my dad at all.

See, my Dad hates the idea of the proverbial “woman’s place.” He grew up with a kind but passive father and driven, vibrant mother (my late beloved Grandma Julia). My Grandmother had jobs while married in the 50’s and 60’s (and we all know how difficult that was if you were a woman back then), managed to keep a sparkling household, and was always fighting tooth and nail to encourage her children to get an education (something my father noted in his eulogy to her). My father was a Republican since he was eighteen, but that didn’t stop him from letting the example his mother set be lost on him.

Where are the feminists? Male feminists, I mean. Sure there are plenty of 'pro-feminist men', but in reality, aren't they just feminists? Feminism is, after all, the radical notion that men and women are equal. Surely doesn't have to have a vagina to support that view. And just because 'fem' is in the word, doesn't mean men can't be a feminist, which is something I've heard argued. I have one friend who declares himself to be a feminist, which I think is awesome beyond awesomeness.

Now I know there are men who contribute to this site, whether through community posting or comments on articles. Do you consider yourself feminists, or pro-feminists?

Let me just say that feminists are hot. Male or female.

Some men really piss me off and I thought that I would share. So i'm walking my dog, minding my own business, when these fraternity guys are walking by me. I don't have a problem when people want to say hello, but when a stranger says something to you, just to seem "cool" or "macho" in front of their friends, it really pisses me off and I certainly can see through it.

He approaches me and says, "hello there" and i'm like "hey." He giggles and as he walks by me, he's like "hey you dropped something!" So, obviously, I turn around, and he's like "you dropped your smile!!"

Is he serious? I didn't see him smile! Why do I have to smile? Do they expect me to giggle and smile, wide-eyed like i'm so thrilled some asshole is saying hello to me? Absolutely not! Why do women always have to be so cheery or giggly at all times? Am I supposed to be impressed in front of his buddies? Well, fuck that and fuck him.

ugh. well, thanks for letting me share. But really, am I over-exaggerating or is he just an ass?

Janel

I had a bit of an argument with my partner the other day about her brother and three year old nephew that are temporarily living with us.

The brother LOVES to play the new GTA.

Turns out the three year old LOVES to watch daddy shoot people.

I expressed my concern to her about this and she told me, "He's just a little boy." Like this explained everything. You can imagine the disagreement that followed.

She finally came around to my side after three events happened:

1) He made a gun out of legos.

2) He wanted to shoot the animals in the house with the lego gun.

3) Her brother was disgusted when she informed him that the little guy had picked a BARBIE *gasp* movie from the rental place.
And then stated we were trying to make the little one gay!
He quickly backtracked on this statement after seeing his lesbian sister's look of surprise and outrage.

I expected the boys will be boys statement from an uneducated twenty something guy, but not from my educated female partner.

UGH!

I am addicted to advertising. I don't even watch TV, but I will youtube advertisements. This is true. So when I say I am *speechless* over this Levi's 501 "Unbutton Your Beast" campaign... I mean... that doesn't happen often. I always have something to say.

"Unbutton Your Beast" is crude and over the top- sure. It features phallic-stand ins bursting out of the fly of its product (verily, the virility of "Paul the Pincher" cannot be contained by mere denim!) to stand and deliver (heh) a torrent of innuendos. You can customize these chatty little monsters into e-cards you can send to all your friends. I'll admit I did.

...Which is weird, because this is a man's product, and I don't generally think of this type of "pass it on" social networking marketing being used to target men. But then again, if anybody want to get an e-card with a talking faux-phallus, it's probably 'the dudes'.

Anyway, what do you all think? & can you imagine the furor a similar campaign for women would cause?

Sometimes reading posts can be very upseting for me because I think about all the issues that still need to be resolved and how slow progress is moving, but we can't just give up. So in the meantime while I wait I say thanks. I wrote this to thank one of the most important men in my life, my fiance. If you would like to thank a man or a woman or both leave a comment. : )