Recently in Random Category

My boyfriend, who identifies as a feminist, paid a prostituted woman in a ‘massage parlour’ for a hand job on Friday, after being pressured to participate by a male colleague who he was desperate to impress.

He doesn’t even like massages.

I’m totally devastated on two fronts. Firstly, I just finished a postgraduate thesis on feminism and the sex industry. I won’t go into the details of the topic, but the more I researched, the more I came to intuitively feel that the liberal pro-prostitution position and its murky distinctions between force and freedom were problematic. By the end of the process, I became more and more sympathetic to radical feminists like Sheila Jeffreys (whose recent book The Industrial Vagina is a must-read for all feminists). Anyway, I’m too fragile to go into whether people here agree or disagree, so please respect that, I just can’t believe that after months of participating in discussions about my research and reading my paper, he could go out and endorse the industry which, particularly in this region of SE Asia, is prone to the exploitation of women. He said no when I asked him whether he asked her name, how old she was, or where she was from. He said that he didn’t make a mental connection between the massage parlour with other forms of prostitution at the time, as if he was of a different mind. He says that now, after this experience, he identifies with feminism more than he ever did before. Cold comfort.

First of all, a housekeeping note: This post is filed under "Random." Why? There isn't a category even remotely related to disability rights. This, in a very comprehensive and well-populated category system that has room for such pressing issues of intersectionality like "Hungover Feminist Weekly Report." Fix this. (Editors Note: There is now a disability rights category available for Community Posts)

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Now then. I am a feminist, and I have a disability (Asperger's syndrome, for those who are wondering. Yes, it is diagnosed. Those who would like to tell me about how this isn't a real disability and/or how I am just using it as an excuse can kindly go fuck themselves.) I believe these two things are related. Here's how.

First of all, I would not wish my disability on my worst enemy. I want to stress this. This is not a fuzzy, happy post about how my disability has helped me see things in a new light. People without it really can't grasp how bored and how lonely it makes you, and how pointless it makes your life. It's spending days talking to no one, counting hours and trying to eke out a few spare jolts of dopamine; it's feeling like a mushroom growing in some forgotten corner, whose only contribution to the world is a carbon footprint. It's walking around town and seeing tens of thousands of people and knowing that, deep down, you're not like them at all, could never relate to them, and none of it was your choice. 

But it does other things, too. When you grow up without friends, you grow up without being inducted into a lot of our society's gender roles. I never got the script that said "Hi, you're a woman, and you just got interpellated! Now you have to love scrapbooking, watching Grey's Anatomy, reading Cosmo and baking cookies with pretty pink ribbons for your man, who will be provided for you if you do exactly what we say and don't pay any attention to those who don't." This isn't to say that I don't have any of this residue on me -- you'd have to be completely cut off from all contact with anybody, ever, starting from birth -- but it's a lot of distance.

Hello all! Currently I am working on writing my masters thesis for my Library Science degree. For my thesis I am working on exeming gender stereotyped within picture books. During my research I came across the book 'Why Gender Matters: What Parents and eachers Need to Know About the Emerging Science of Sex Differences' by Leonard Sax. 

Now, the book is outright terrible. It constantly discussed that men and women are simply so darn different, and needed to be treated differently accordingly. It includes examples such as how it was appropriate for a teacher to yell at a male student because he could take it better than a female student would.

Anyhoo, amidst all the fun there are two surveys that are included in the back. There are simply too many things upsetting with them to call them all out, but I figured I would let you all be the judge....

"These quizzes are most accurate for North American children ages eleven through eighteen." (p 254.)

The quizzes are reportedly taken from Janet Boldizar's paper, "Assesing Sex Typing and Androgyny in Children: The Children's Sex Role Inventory" Developmental Psycology, 27:505-15, 1991. 


How Feminine Are You?

1) The smell of musk is best described by which of the following words:
a. musty
b. sour
c. bitter
d. pungent
e. I have no idea

I am friends with a wonderful man. In his younger days he was an anti-racism activist. He respects (actually respects, not "respects") women. He is supportive of my feminist status. However, I have noticed something that makes me stop dead in my tracks. It is so unlike everything else he believes in. My friend is sizeist. He is naturally thin and always will be thanks to genetics. I really like him as a person but occasionally he says things that boggle my mind.

I'm reaching out to you folks for help. I don't know how to bring any of this up. Do you have any suggestions? I'm not very good at stating my case in arguments. I tend to become really combative without realizing it.

My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost a year now. It's hard to think that I am being abused because he never has hit me but he is very controlling. I don't know who I am anymore... I was scheduled to study abroad but because of several attempts to leave me over this I had a breakdown at orientation and was unable to go. He has also isolated me from my friends and makes me feel bad everytime I go out even though he is allowed to because I don't speak up. He always is saying that I am going to leave him even though I have never broken up with him. I feel like he is going to leave me and everytime he threatens to I tell him its okay that he wants to go, but he always comes back within the hour. I feel like he doesn't trust me and that I never am good enough even though he is always giving m compliments (all the time). I tell him that I don't need compliments and he says something like well they are true and what not. I do love him and I just need to know if I should get out of this relationship or if there are steps I can take to fix this problem.

While women's safety issues are brought up often on this site, my problem is a little less discussed.

Background- I'm in my early twenties, and live with my parents (who own my car). The opportunity has come up to visit a friend who lives about four hours away, and while I'm excited, the question of driving has come up.

I've made this drive before, about three times. And I love highway driving. It's always been easy, and something of a stress reliever. However, it should be noted that I've always driven with someone else in the car. I've never had to navigate for myself, as someone usually has MapQuest directions handy to read off for me. This time, it looks like I may have to make the trip on my own.

This is making me a little nervous for a few reasons. While I could borrow a GPS for this trip, I'm worried about getting lost. Also, in the event of a crash or another event where I'd need to interact with people, certain safety issues come up. I know my mother in particular is terrified of me driving alone, as she's often spoken of the scary men you can meet on the road.

Now, I know if I was a guy none of these issues would be coming up. Being a guy wouldn't make me any more or less likely to get in a crash, to get lost, but I know in my parents' eyes, I'd just be a vulnerable girl alone in the world. I also know that I could probably make the trip safely, as I've made it before unscathed. Still, I do realize that there is an element of danger.

So I'm at a loss for what to do. How do I deal with my slight anxiety about these driving fears? Is taking a cell phone, a GPS and perhaps some mace enough to protect me from "what's out there?" And perhaps more importantly, how do I deal with the anxiety of a mother who herself is too afraid of driving out of town to make the voyage?

I realize there are risks, but I also realize that I eventually have to drive on the highway by myself. I don't want to live with fear instilled in me because of my gender. I don't want to feel limited by some shadowy figure that's out to get me at every turn. But I do want to be realistic. The answer here is probably to just take the plunge, but all opinions and advice are welcome.

I'm beginning my second year of college (and my first year at a new college as a transfer student) as a international relations and women's and gender studies double major. Immediately upon my entrance, I joined my college's NOW chapter (National Organization for Women) because it is the only feminist organization on campus. I will not deny that I really don't know too much about NOW other than its origins and its issues, and I wasn't aware of its criticisms until the Women's studies department at my school acted "unfriendly" towards a club member when she asked if the department would hand out flyers. I now realize that NOW is criticized for catering towards white, middle class females. The problem is that I do not want to be associated with an organization that focuses on white, middle class issues. And possibly a bigger problem is that I am a white, middle class women (and have grown up in a middle class neighborhood my entire life).

I'm not quite sure if I have a question, rather I'm looking for guidance. Should I stay with NOW and try and alter others' perception of our NOW chapter? Should I create my own campus group in order to avoid the stigma with NOW's exclusiveness? (This might be difficult seeing as I am a newbie and am holding a small officer position - and breaking out of that would cause some tension as if I am stealing their show). Are there any resources, books, etc. that you would recommend in order to broaden my perspective as a white, middle class female?

Thank you in advance for your help. I respect all feminist bloggers and am grateful for any advice/comments you have.

I have come to learn a few things about relationships in my years. First and foremost is that if a guy is overly controlling then he probably is also an abuser. It has become very apparent in the past few weeks to me that my best friend's boyfriend is overly controlling, to the point of attempting to isolate her from certain people. I am not okay with this at all. I also don't really know what to do about it either. He is a very good guy, except for this one thing, and my best friend is madly in love with him. Is there any way that would be appropriate to address this without questioning her decisions? Or am I destined to sound like a bitch because I said something?

I just wanted wish my beautiful sister, Leah a very happy feminist birthday! Happy 21st Birthday Leah! I love you so much!

With Love,

Ellen

Crossposted at Shan & Mike

I was scanning the radio this morning and stumbled upon a local morning show that I don’t normally listen to. I was intrigued by the few seconds the scanner caught because it was a woman explaining why she didn’t change her last name when she married. This is one of my very favorite topics, so I listened. In the next segment a man called and asked the hosts to help him with an intervention. I got the idea that these interventions are meant to be fun or funny, but this one very quickly went very wrong.

The man, Ryan, said he is getting married in three weeks, but something has been bothering him for awhile. His fiance doesn’t want to change her last name. She told him a long time ago, but he was never sure how to bring up his problem with the idea, so it was never discussed. Hence the intervention. So they get Stacy, the fiancé, on the phone and break the news to her: Ryan feels very strongly that you take his last name.

She stayed very calm and explained that she felt very strongly about keeping her name. She said the kids could have his name, but she liked her identify—for professional and personal reasons—and was going to keep it. He kept repeating that he wanted them to “be a family,” as if having different lasts names renders you not so. Ryan said he’d be ok with Stacy hyphenating her name, but his last name must be incorporated somehow. Stacy didn’t want to do that, and never once did either of them suggest that he hyphenate as well or that he take her name in order to “be a family.”

This week I found myself in the most pathetic internet fight ever. Well I guess an "internet fight" is pretty pathetic in general.

A certain male friend of mine that I've known for 5 years suddenly deleted me on some social networking sites. We live in different states so he pretty much cut off contact since we don't see each other in real life. I had a pretty good idea as to why it happened but I went ahead and emailed him about it.

Last week I told him I didn't appreciate Tucker Max's "humor" because I find it sexist and just stupid in general. He wanted to debate this but I really wasn't interested. I honestly didn't think it was that big of a deal but apparently it was to him.

"Feminism is cool and whatever, but like, women shouldn't be MORE powerful than men."

Do you know how many times I have heard that drivel? If you are a fellow feminist and you have (ever) tried (ever) talking to a male/man/guy/boy/bro/dude or even non-feminist identified female, you've heard it too. I suppose this is just one of the many things that I hear on a constant basis that have always caused some degree of cognitive dissonance.

Do I agree with the aforementioned quote? Sure, I do. I am for complete and absolute equality between all sexes, races, all that. But whenever the subject is broached with males, the first thing I hear approximately 75% of the time (yeah, I don't know, its more than half and less than 100, no studies were conducted) is for some sort of assurance that I don't want to take from them. Like has been taken from us. For thousands of years. (Of course they manage to leave out that last bit.)

When I receive that as a response, several things run through my head, the most prominent thought being that only in discussions involving equal rights for the shat-upon do I encounter clarifications of the word ''equal'' so frequently. At every other juncture in life, I think we all grasped the concept that equal was exactly as it sounded. Having the same value.

I'm sure that there are a good number of men who are pro-feminist or feminist identified, and good on you, you're great, but you're not who I'm talking about. I'm talking about the guys who for some reason, when faced with the idea of women in power, with power, or having any power, stutter their way into an insecure oblivion asking me to assuage their fear, no I don't want to take "their power" before being able to move forward with the conversation or drop it entirely.

You see, what they'd have me believe is that they don't have a problem with women being in control of anything so long as women don't gain control of things men are ALREADY in control of. Which leaves us with... Oh. Wait. Absolutely nothing. Which is where we are now. Yay! Time to give up my feminist struggle, right?

Nevermind, I just remembered I still want things that make all those Dudes Who "Get It" feel as nervous as that time they were 15 and forgot to X out of all the porn when their mom sat down to use the computer.

This has been bothering me for a while. I apologize in advance if this gets long and rant-y.

Has anyone ever been in a relationship in which your significant other’s family seems to take it way more seriously than you do? Have you felt pressure from an SO’s family to make serious life decisions when you know you’re not even close to being ready for it?

 About two months ago I got out of a two year relationship. He’s a good guy but I think I eventually outgrew him and in hindsight, the relationship was full of dumb issues, mainly jealousy and insecurity on his part. Before I go into this, I should mention that I was 18 and had just graduated high school when we started dating. This was only the second relationship I’d been in and it was the first long-term one. So basically, I was very inexperienced in relationships and really just inexperienced in life in general.

My ex still lived at home so I spent a lot of time around his family. I always liked his parents and I enjoyed hanging out at their house. They really liked me which was nice. I also knew a lot of people in his extended family (grandparents, cousins, etc) and they were pretty cool too. I would get tons of Christmas presents from his immediate family and both sets of grandparents, I would get invited to a lot of family gatherings, etc.

Probably about a year into the relationship his mom started bringing up the marriage thing. At one point his parents were considering moving into another house and asked me if I would move in with all of them because my ex-boyfriend and I were in a “committed relationship.” Another time, she referred to me as his “girlfriend…fiancée…something like that”…keep in mind it had never been established that we ever planned on getting married. I just kind of brushed it off, though.

hey all,

I had a very distressing conversation with my mother this weekend when I went home from college to visit. My mother thinks that I am a lesbian because I am going to a science institute where there is a 6 to 1 guy to girl ratio, and after a month of being here I still don't have a boyfriend. According to her there is only one possible reason why that is occurring, it has to be because I am sexually attracted to girls. Now I am going to say first and foremost that I find nothing wrong with being a lesbian. Some of my best friends are lesbians and I love them to death. But I am not one. I am straight. I like men, a lot. I am just really picky and haven't found a guy who I consider to be worth my time yet. How do I explain to my (not feminist and ashamed that her daughter is one) mother? What do I say that lets her know that I do really like guys, not girls, I just don't want to date any of them right now?

If someone could give this a read-through and then give me a suggestion, that would be very appreciated.

Since age 12, I've always had VERY HEAVY periods accompanied with excruciating cramps for seven days every period, and that's the main factor in my deciding to go on birth control. Eventually, actually controlling birth will come into play, but I'm not seeing anyone at the moment.

I don't follow any sort of schedule, so I knew right away I didn't want to go on the pill. I tried the patch for six months, with mixed results. Periods were still seven days long, but I at least had about three or four light days, and less cramps. But I still had pretty bad cramps, and dreamed of being one of those lucky ladies who has the elusive four day period with few cramps.

This follows from anti-choice bingo part one and part two. There's been plenty of homophobic bingo cards, but none I've seen that specifically address the prejudice faced by bisexuals.

So for the past couple weeks I have felt pretty yucky. Nauseous, weak, tired, headaches and just all around not well. I hoped it would go away but finally decided to go to  urgent care because I don't have insurance and couldn't just set up an appointment with a doctor. I went in and the nurse had me change into one of their awesome shirts that are open in the back. She left the room, and I waited for about 20 minutes and a male doctor came in. He was pretty condescending throughout the whole appointment, just being very matter of fact and treating and I felt that he was trivializing my illness since it wasn't any one major thing. 

The real issue is this, he had me sit down on the table. He looked at my ears, nose, and eyes. He then grabbed the stethoscope and lifted up and went under my shirt and put it on my breast. Of course, my heart is under my breast and he had to hear that. But it was odd, he didn't tell me he was about to lift up my shirt-like every woman doctor I have had. And I almost felt that he lifted my shirt up just a little too high...so he could see. After that he had me lay down and unbutton my pants so he could feel my stomach. He poked around and said "are you sure its not a reaction to your belly button ring?" I said "uh...no..I have had it for about 6 years now." He said "yeah, I was just kidding." This "joke" from a man who had been non sympathetic and matter of fact the whole time. It made me feel very uncomfortable when he said that. Then, a nurse knocked on the door and my boyfriend was with her to come in. The doctor waved her away and just said "just let me finish up this exam with her." My boyfriend got an odd feeling from him by the look on his face, and the way that he said it. 

Basically I felt that although the comments and actions were not blatantly inappropriate, they were unprofessional. I think that he as a male doctor should find it especially important to make sure the woman feels comfortable, because it is a pretty vulnerable and frightening place to be in, especially when some (many?) do take advantage. To joke about my piercing, go under my shirt with no alert, and to not allow my boyfriend in the room all seemed and felt very odd to me. Not only did I not figure out what is wrong with me, I now have to spend a crapload of money on a jerk that was not sympathetic in the least and made me feel uncomfortable. Does how I feel seem legitimate? And if so, should i do anything about it?

I recently came across this site where wedding photos are taken and the bride is photoshopped/shrunk down into a miniature person that the groom can literally pick up.

Some of the pictures are of the bride sleeping in a jewelry case, holding her skirt down while the groom lifts it with a pen, sitting on the groom's shoulder, dancing in the middle of candles while the groom watches her, popping out of a box held in the groom's hands. If there was ever another set of wedding photos demonstrating inequality between bride and groom, or the bride as an object/toy possessed by the groom, I don't know where they are.

Here is 8Asians take on it.

Today I swung on over to Simply Sarah to check on the latest update. The most recent comic deals with Stacey, the "villian" of sorts, and her troubled childhood. Her story is both sad and eerily reminiscent of my own. I don't think I've ever told ANYONE, really, about my own story, so this is my response to the author of the comic:

One of my really good friends wrote this a few days ago and sent it to me, we had been talking earlier that day about the amount of pressure on women to be society's view of "beautiful" whatever that really is and then had gone home and was watching an episode of "whose line is it anyways?" So, one of the jokes that they had made was "Did you see the jugs on the woman in row four?" and I guess it kind of irritated her. This was her response:

Pretty and Smart

Did you see the jugs on the woman in row 4?
Did you look at the legs on the woman over there?
Did you notice the *** on the woman in front of us?
Did you glance at the stomach on the woman on the treadmill?
Isn't she hot?

Society's oppression.
The judgment.
Domineering individuals.
All keeping woman down,
Keeping them someone they're not.
Keeping them some kind of pretty.

Why do we never hear things that count?
Did you listen to that woman's ideas?
Did you hear that woman's beliefs?
Did you eavesdrop on that woman's opinion?
Isn't she intelligent?

Silent postulation.
Thoughts never heard.
Misplaced respect.
Feminists aren't all extreme
And deserve some respect.
Is the Woman's Suffrage
So easily forgotten?

I like it and asked her to repost it, to me this sums up why I am a feminist. I hope you all enjoy.

I've never really thought about feminism before. The women in my family never really discussed women rights or issues with me, maybe because they thought I was too young, or maybe feminism never really crossed their minds. So I acted as though the thing never really existed, sure i knew that their were women who still fought for their rights, but it was only something I learned in history class, nothing I would take into my own hands. Last year, during school, the girls in the class, including myself, were asked to set aside to listen to new course offerings, while the boys continued with their studies.

The courses that the discussion listed was as followed: cooking, taking care of children, and some "talking about your feelings and shit" class. I was deeply disturbed by the orientation this woman was presenting to us, and something inside of me just exploded. Towards the end, when she asked if we had any questions, i asked whether the boys were going to get the same presentation. Her response - no, she was running low on time. Those few words set me off, i immediately spoke to the assistant principal, and talked to multiple girls about the manipulating message they were sending to us. Not only were they offending us, but also the men who enjoy cooking,etc. - telling them that cooking was for women, and not them. The next day the opened the orientation for everyone - since then, I have been opening my eyes to women around me that are making a difference, and trying to learn from them.

There's only so much I can learn- since I'm only in high school and they don't offer a gender studies- they do have "club 19" - a female's rights group, but I don't feel like we do enough.

After being deservedly taken to task for my admission of some major faults , I wondered what I could possibly do next. 

I'd like to apologize for it.  The audience I assumed for it was homogenously modeled after myself; in my attempt to do some good, I did the exact opposite by saying things that no one should have to hear.  But I don't expect an apology to be enough.  Because it's not.  Hopefully I can amend my behavior satisfactorily in the future.

A major clue as to what my be better came in the form of Restructure!'s post, Declaring your anti-racist intentions may make you more racist. 

When I took a good look at myself, I knew that Restructure! was right.  It is easy for me to claim a pro-justice identity - and to think that I'm acting on it just because I claim it.  It's not so easy to actually live a pro-justice life. 

In my critical-of-marriage opinion, traditional marriage vows suck! My mom recently got married (no ceremony, just the legal stuff) and because she couldn't handle the personalized vows, she stuck with the traditional stuff she didn't even agree with. But before she did it, she told me their relationship vows. I'd like to share my mother and her new husband's partnership vow, as I feel it is one that simply and nicely captures partnership:

We will let each other know if there is something we need that we aren't getting. :)

I love the blogosphere, particularly the lefty and feminist ones.  It helped me survive the adjustment to my new (very conservative) region over the past 6 years.  It gave me a sense of community when I didn't have any in my real life and has provided me invaluable information that I used to be able to find by picking up the free anarchist newspapers at one of my local coffee shops.

But it can really grate on my nerves sometimes too - the biggest problem being, in my eyes, a sense of self-righteousness.

Because we (yes, I include myself.  I would be dishonest if I didn't) like to jump on anyone who displays a trait we don't like, any of the litany of anti-justice traits that constitute judging someone by a condition of their selves that is inherent to that person, but we rarely - if ever - admit to an anti-justice trait ourselves.

In other words, we point out the flaws in other people but rarely examine publicly our own.

Perhaps it is because it resembles navel-gazing.  Perhaps because publicizing our own flaws can be so difficult.  Perhaps because it can seem like - and come across as - pride rather than humble self-examination.

But we are hurting ourselves and the causes we care about by refraining from it.

Because who recognizes a racist better than another racist?  Who can call out a sizist better than another sizist?  Who can get to the root of the absurd fear of a homophobe better than another homophobe?  And what better method do we have to convince others that they are flawed than to admit that we ourselves are really no better?  When we can stand up and say, "I am the same way as you.  I think the same things that you do.  I am not attacking you for it but instead trying to show you that we don't have to be this way," we will begin to win people over.  When we take the sting out of these supposed insults (as suggested in the comments) by calling ourselves the same words, perhaps we can better bridge the gaps.

The epitome of privilege is being able to dodge these words with claims of innocent intent and ignorance - and with pointing our fingers at others rather than taking a hard look at ourselves.

Forgive me if this isn't the right place to post this. I was just wondering if anyone can recommend any books on being single. I have read a few, but instead of reinforcing a feeling of confidence or completeness in one's self, they often talk about man-hunting or trying to figure out what's wrong with you. I'm hoping that someone can recommend something life-affirming and positive that sends a message that it's okay to be single, even, something to be proud of if it works for you. The funny thing is I'm not even single, but I actually think that the way single women are portrayed hurts women in relationships too.

The post about taking up space reminded me of the comments I get from just about everyone (except my fellow feminists!) about my burping and other "un-ladylike" things. If I'm with my friends or family, I burp. If I remember, I'll follow it with an "excuse me", but either way, I'm ALWAYS accused of being un-ladylike. The same goes for when I announce to my friends/family that I have to pee (excuse me, but I drink alot and I therefore have to pee alot). The older men in my family are constantly "correcting" me, saying how it is un-ladylike to announce such a thing. I should be saying "I have to use the restroom." HOWEVER, those same men/boys can go on half hour long conversations about their farts or bowel movements. They then turn to my mother, complaining that she didn't "raise me right", because she was apparantly supposed to raise me to act like a lady.

So as far as they are concerned, being a woman means not having basic human bodily functions, or at least not talking about them. As if for us its disgusting, but for them, its admirable. Me and my fellow strong women have burping contests, just like the boys. If the older men in my family were to see that, one can only imagine what they'd think.

It just makes me so angry, the double standards and the ridiculous expectations for women who should be "ladies." Does anyone else deal with such things?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately (I've no idea why), so I figured I'd share it with all of you and see what you had to say about it...

Restaurant commercials (the ones that feature customers, at least) all have one thing in common: coffee drinking mothers laughing at their silly dessert eating families. Now, I had never really noticed this until my mother pointed it out to me, saying that it bothered her. This was a big deal, because my mother is borderline anti-feminist and for something sexist to bother her is major, so I started to watch. These commercials always feature a mom, a dad, and one (sometimes two) kids. The mom is always extremely well put together and attractive, but her husband is not. He's always an immature slob. The dad and the kids are shoveling desserts into their faces while the mom (as stated before) quietly drinks coffee and laughs to herself, because her family is just so darn silly.

You may be asking yourself: why is this a feminist issue? Well, because it's implying that once a man gets married he can "let himself go," as they say, but not mom. She has to stay hot for her man, no matter what. She can't indulge with the rest of her family; she has so sit quietly and drink (presumably) sugar-less coffee. Because god forbid she gains a little weight.

Commercials like this do nothing but perpetuate the myth that once a woman's married she lives for nothing except her husband, and loves him no matter how bad he looks or acts. That last sentence sounded a little shallow. I'm not saying that if your husband does let himself go you should leave him that would be ridiculous. What I am saying is that woman can't be expected to stay "amazing" and "beautiful" when it's okay for her husband to do whatever he wants. Ugh, these commercials just get on my nerves, and ever since my mother pointed this out to me I notice it every time. It's little things like this that will be the death of me!

I'm not a poster, so this is an interesting experience, but here I go. I come on this site to essentially check out the discussion around the various issues of the day as it relates to feminism and the whole gender experience, so I can learn more about it and maybe give myself a few new things to think about. I've heard the term "Feminist Issue" brought up a bunch, and I wonder what that means, exactly.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like at it's most basic, feminism's goal is to bring an equality between the sexes in all arenas. So I was surprised to see things like labor unions being discussed, since they seem sort of peripheral from that goal. So, what makes certain things a feminist issue?

Is it that it involves women somehow? I think most issues do that.

Is it that by dealing with this issue in some way, the gap between the sexes will be lessened?

I'm stumped.

I recently had a conversation with my boyfriend about words like "womanly", "girly" and "feminine."  He didn't seem to think there was a difference between these words and uses them interchangably.  I told him that I think of "womanly" as synomous with descriptions of body type ("I am size 12, I have a womanly figure.")  "Girly" is a word I would associate with pretty dresses for young girls with pink flowers.  Finally, I think of "feminine" as describing the best things about being a woman.  Strength of character, beauty (inside and out), intelligence...

I would welcome insight from the Community.  Would you help us to continue our conversation?

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the entry "grrrl" refers to " A young woman regarded as independent and strong or aggressive, especially in her attitude to men or in her sexuality. "

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Kudos to the dictionary for this inclusion, but I feel like there is no single definition we can create and fit into a sentence to fully represent what 'grrrl' culture may entail. I don't think you necessarily have to be young or aggressive, either. What do you guys think?

Recently my mother has discovered, by searching through my personal letters, that I have been having sex with my boyfriend. I understand her feelings of being "betrayed", but I do not feel it is acceptable of her to try to shame me, and blame me for her current "anger and depression".

I feel that I should be judged on my accomplishments as feel as my actions. Does the fact that I am having sex, and protected sex (pill and condom) with one partner who is STD free for that matter, erase all my past accomplishments? Does it erase the gold medal I won at a city-wide art competition? Does it erase the 29 I got on my ACT?

I guess what really bothers me is how people seem to be obsessed with judging girls on how "pure" they are, instead of their personality or achievments. Also, why when a young person decides to have sex is the boy always blamed? Of course there are the infamous "hump-and-dumps" that happen, but can you use these instances to judge every relationship between young people?

I don't want to be pitied as a girl "looking for love and acceptance" and I don't want to be shamed as a "slut who doesn't even know what love is". Is it wrong that I refuse to be pitied and/or shamed?

SamanthaB’s community post got me thinking.  This feminist college student is studying (well, perhaps studying isn’t quite the right word, haha) in the Netherlands for the semester and I’ve been lucky enough to do quite a bit of traveling.  Knowing that I’m coming back to a job with severely cut wages and hours has forced me to think seriously about how frequently I travel and how I get there.

Quite a few of my guy friends have managed to get all over continental Europe for almost nothing by hitchhiking and couch surfing—they do it nearly every weekend.  God knows I’d love to join them on their adventures, but I’m pretty damn sure that these things aren’t safe if you’re a woman, especially a woman traveling alone.  Every travel guide I’ve read—and even reports written by fellow students in the last couple years—has told me that when women travel in some countries (Morocco and South Africa come to mind), they run a pretty significant risk of assault unless they bring a man along.

I don’t like the idea of needing to be ‘protected’ by a big, strong man.  And I also don’t like the idea of blacklisting certain countries as unsafe spaces and never seeing them in my lifetime.  SO…

How does a woman travel by herself safely without having to spend a ton of money?  And can we do this at all?  It makes me think of the dilemma we all face when we go out at night: will we be blamed for a sexual assault if we drink too much because we were being ‘irresponsible’?  If we dress a certain way, are we ‘asking for it’?

So what do we do?  Do we go out bravely into the world, traveling how we want and where we want, while acknowledging that we’re taking a risk?  Or do we take the safe and dependent route?  How do we get the most out of a world that's not quite ideal?

(Caveat: I’m aware that the whole notion of tourism comes with its own little knapsack (how appropriate!) of privilege and that the safety of tourists shouldn’t be thought more important than the safety of women and other oppressed groups.  Just a thought that’s really current for me and a lot of other young feminists at the moment.)

So, I've decided to make the leap and go backpacking through Europe (and Morrocco and Iceland) this summer.  I'm going to do it as economically as possible, staying in hostels and eating picnic meals. 

I've been doing a lot of research to prepare so far but unfortunately, most of the guides I've been able to unearth are hosted by middle aged white males.  Although I've learned a lot about the particular cities from these mainstream men (such as the ubiquitous Rick Steves) and even women (Samantha Brown) I am hoping to find a guide that more reflects my demographic,  my interests and budget. 

Can anyone suggest a video program hosted by a 20-something tour guide who is eco-conscious and city savvy? Who don't want to spend most of their time celebrating white men's war achievements? Who love being foreign locals and are not interested in simply finding the best places to get drunk in every town at night or taking as many photos of themselves in front of landmarks as possible during the day?    Or has this niche yet to be explored in the travel guide world?  I'm aware of written publications such as Let's Go, but I'm hoping to tap into a vivid and entertaining show...even if it's just on YouTube. 

I work for an artist whose friends have created a promising show called TravelistaTV.  Has anyone found anything in a similiar vein? 

First time poster here with some thoughts to share...

The more my feminist self has been exploring, learning, and questioning, the more I am realizing that I am going through a process quite similar to the Kübler-Ross model of grief.  This model lays out five different stages that people often go through during grief and they remarkably match the emotions and thoughts that I have gone through in my feminism.  (Note: not everyone completes all stages in this particular order.  Some get stuck in various stages for long periods of time before moving on – or even get stuck permanently.)

Stage 1: Denial – ignoring or just unaware of the sexism around us, perhaps thinking “its not that bad”.  It took me a long time to put the pieces of the patriarchy puzzle together and realize the larger scale of sexism and the grand implications.

Stage 2: Anger – and lots of it!  I often found myself just furious thinking “How can this be acceptable!?!?   Don’t people see this!?  Don’t people care!?”  This was my strongest and longest stage.  :(

Stage 3: Bargaining – the Kubler-Ross model described this as “trying to avoid the situation”.  At one point I wished to unlearn everything I had learned and go back to blissful ignorance.  Of course I couldn't and of course I wouldn't if I were really able, but I wanted to escape what I was finding out and the implications of that on my life and relationships.

Stage 4: Depression - the situation sinks in and is overwhelming.   There seems to be no hope.  "How can I, as one person, stand up against a system of sexism where feminism is not even taken seriously?  What hope is there for change when I can't even convince my own boyfriend!?!?"

Stage 5: Acceptance – this was described in the model as “peace and understanding” – I've definitely gained much more understanding and feel more secure and solid on my feminist foundation where I can hold my own in a debate and have actually gotten the feminist light to go off in my boyfriends head!  I don’t know if I’ve reach “peace”…but here is hoping for that ultimate goal!

Thoughts, comments, etc?

Thanks!

Delving thoroughly into the subject of John Lennon's relationship with women would most likely take several novels worth of pages, and as someone who spent a good five years of her life studying absolutely everything about The Beatles -- in particular the lives of George Harrison and John Lennon -- I could go on and on.

But right now I'm crunched for time and would like to give a Tuesday Thank You (Tuesday Tank You?) to Mr. Lennon for being a self-proclaimed feminist who, at least in his later years, practiced what he preached. Obviously, much of the Beatles' material is pretty blatantly misogynistic. ("Run For Your Life"? *shudder*) But there is something to be said about a man who later on admits just how horrible it was of him to act that way towards women, and vows to be nothing but respectful from then on.

From John's last major interview: “I used to be cruel to my woman, and physically — any woman.  I was a hitter.  I couldn’t express myself and I hit.  I fought men and I hit women . . . I am a violent man who has learned not to be violent and regrets his violence.  I will have to be a lot older before I can face in public how I treated women as a youngster.”

No, there is never any excuse or forgiveness for a man who beat women at any point in his life. But it is extremely admirable for that man to acknowledge this and completely change his ways. John was raised around strong women, and from what I gather, that respect and admiration was always there in his subconscious. It's unfortunate that it only started to sink in during the last half of his life, but I personally am very grateful for people like this -- widely respected and idolized public figures who have absolutely no shame in admitting to an audience of millions, "I'm a man, and I'm a feminist."

Hi everyone. I've been really trying lately to examine my various privileges*. I've found a lot of helpful Web sites on some different -isms, like Racialicious, Trans Griot and Womanist Musings, but I've kind of hit a wall. Can anyone recommend other sites that deal with racism, cis privilege or ableism? I'm not looking for 101 stuff, just a place for me to learn without disrupting anyone. I'm also looking for a good site about LGBT issues. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

*Thanks to the debate a little while ago when trans women boycotted the major feminist blogs to protest their poor inclusion of trans issues and the recent discussions about men's place(s) in feminism. Both have made me think about what I can do to be a better feminist and a better ally for other groups.

The author of this horrendous article from Lemondrop, The Most Annoying Stuff Girls Do , wants to make sure we ladies know what behaviors to avoid.  Do Scott Indrisek a favor and let him know, via the comments, how offensive his comments are.  Make sure you scroll down and click on the image of the charming young woman with the cigarette in her mouth to access the pop-up photo gallery, detailing the ten annoying girl behaviors. 

There are quite a few things wrong with Indrisek's list, but my biggest grievance is that several of the behaviors are exhibited by both sexes, but are only "annoying" when women do so.  Then there's the fact that Indrisek apparently finds female sexuality annoying, as evidenced by his dislike of thong underwear (huh?), Sex and the City-style opennes about sex, and "fake" lesbians (because he's an authority on what constitutes a "real" lesbian).  But enough about my opinions of the article.  Go see for yourself.

I hate the boyfriend ultimatum. The "if you don't marry me, I'm leaving" one. This ultimatum always seems to come up (about) twice per year, once at Valentine's Day (yeah I'm late, but whatever) and again when girlfriends are talking about another girl, whether she be there or not, who's in a long term relationship. During February the ultimatum always comes up on talk shows titled: How to get Him to Marry You, not only are these episodes sexist, they are, in most cases stupid. But I can live with those; it's the second case that really bothers me. I am in my early 20's, so I know a lot of people who are getting engaged and married.

This won't be the most professional post, I just have to rant about something my partner said today. We were discussing marriage, and I was explaining my views, such as I see a woman changing her last name as symbolic of her ownership transferring from her father to her new husband. When I said that an engagement ring is similar to a "reverse dowry," he actually said, "come on, if I offered you a big shiny ring you wouldn't want it?"

WTF?

Am I, and other women, gold-diggers? Maybe I'm just overreacting, but I was really offended by this comment. Yes, I would drop all of my values, hopes, and dreams if a man just came along and shoved a piece of jewelry in my face. Yes, all women need is a nice piece of jewelry and a big strong man to protect her and pay her bills. Please.

May I preface this with: If I am acting like an extreme bigot and close-minded fool, tell me? It won't hurt my feelings whatsoever, because I feel like I might be.

I just need to get this out, because it's been frustrating me for years.

My best friend is a very intelligent young woman. She does well in school, and she has so much potential. She does not tap into this potential because she's content being 'just enough,' because she doesn't want to fail if she tries harder. We've had many conversations that end in arguments because I try to cheer her into doing more. Now, as we're getting nearer to graduating high school, we're seriously considering separating. We've been together for six years- same schools, same after-school activities, same weekend plans- and, while I consider going to school in-state because, well, it's cheaper and I may not get into any of the other schools I apply to, she's content applying at one school she's sure she'll get into- not even applying to get into a better school, just to see. She's already found someone else to depend on that is staying in-state. That's fine. It's kind of sad, because what if she did get into a better school, even in state? If she did, she'd be closer, even, to home than the school she's applying to, and that's her whole reason to stay in-state. It's sad to see her becoming good friends with someone else and ignoring me, but I understand that, more than likely, I'll be across the US for the majority of the five-plus years after our graduation.

Be that as it may, she's never had any plans of her own until now. She's relied on me or a boyfriend to create her future. Me, because we had that silly middle-school dream of being rockstars (it didn't work because I had to write all the songs and badger her into practicing, which was plain frustrating), and her most recent ex-boyfriend, because she planned her entire future around him joining the navy- where she'd move, when she'd go to school, when they'd marry and have children. We nearly stopped being friends because this ticked me off so badly. When they broke up, she immediately tried to latch herself onto someone else to come up with a new future. She turned back to me, and for a while, she was considering moving to the UK with me after college. However, she's finally come up with her own plan.

She wants to go to college and become a teacher. She loves kids and wants to teach them. It's a genius idea, and I love that she wants to do something like that. I've been very enthusiastic about this, and I've been helping her research what and where she may want to teach. However, she decided that, as soon as she gets married and/or has children, she's just going to drop her career and be a housewife- even if it's completely unnecessary. I always ask, 'If you can have both, why give one up?' and she hasn't given me an answer yet.

The other night, I was in a bar, and at the next table was a group of young women. They were dressed up, and it turned out it was one girl's birthday. We figured this out because somebody, I assume her friends, had hired this guy to turn up and do a whole number on her. It was a basic strip session during which everything came off, including underwear, and this young woman whose birthday it was was relentlessly and aggressively groped. She looked constantly embarrassed and freaked out as he was grinding against her and shoving his hand up her skirt, but she was trying to go along with it. The entire place was loving it too, cheering all the action on. I was torn between finding the spectacle funny along with everyone else, and extreme discomfort at her predicament. It could not have been clearer that she had no choice in the matter. I'm sure some reading this will say, 'of course she did, she could have just objected.' But having seen it, I could see that that would be incredibly difficult, if not impossible, with her friends looking on having paid for the whole thing, and everyone else cheering and egging things on. Plus, the music was much too loud for anyone to be heard over it. What seems most disturbing is how the whole thing was so dressed up as 'comedy' and was so frankly silly (the stupid costume and music) that if she had objected to it she would have been seen as having no sense of fun, and branded as a killjoy, a spoilsport, or immature. Really, I wonder how she got through it. I can't imagine what fun there is in hiring somebody to come and harrass another person in front of a barful of people, except as a form of cruel amusement for everyone who isn't the one being harrassed. What do people think?

I don't have an answer. I'm hoping to get feed back to see what other people think.

I used to be against stripping. Or strip clubs any way. Now I'm unsure.

Honestly I've been thinking about doing it lately. I did it for a night once, and it didn't bother me at all. I have no problem showing by body. If anything, I had fun.

I do think it's reducing your body to a product, but aren't most jobs? Most people I've talked with about it give me the response that if I feel comfortable with it then it's fine. I have a close friend who is extremely against it though. He makes the argument that it isn't just about me. It's about the liberation of women as a whole. That me being a stripper will have a negative impact on women's liberation. I disagree. I think that it will only effect me.

I would be grateful if people'd take the time to share their thoughts.

About a year ago I was taking an English class that involved reading a story called "The Yellow Wallpaper." For those of you who aren't familiar with the story, it's about a Victorian woman, Jane who has a nervous break down just after having a baby, which involves pealing off all of the yellow wallpaper from her walls. This is an early piece of feminist literature, as the breakdown she suffers occurs due to the way her husband locks her up in a single room. During the class discussion of this book feminism came up (obviously). And one man in the class (who had proved he was a misogynist previously) brought up a point: because Jane didn't want to be married, that made her a lesbian. This is clearly ridiculous and the professor made this clear. The man in the class went on to (intelligently) point out that the character's name is Jane and the movie character G.I. Jane was a lesbian, so Jane must equal lesbian. Very well thought out, I know.

*Originally posted on Amplify*

A few weeks ago I married my sweetheart in a beautiful outdoor civil ceremony. We've been together for years and have been talking about marriage for just as long: did we want to be married? Is it fair to enter into "opposite marriage" when same-sex couples in most states can't? How do we throw a fun party while not getting sucked into the draining wedding industrial complex? What does marriage entail for couples' finances? Family obligations? Names?

Leading up to the ceremony, my honey and I spend lots of time sorting out future marriage matters, amongst which was a joint decision to each retain our own names. And while we had worked it out for ourselves, but the name issue continues to be, well, an issue. During what was otherwise a very happy time leading up to the ceremony, I found myself getting a little frustrated at the volume of lovely cards addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName." Why would getting married erase any trace of me being Meghan Rapp? Did I take an invisible pill when I said "I do"?

This hasn't just come from our (conservative, traditional) family members. While most friends asked us before the nuptials what we intended to do--something I think is good in it acknowledges that, yes!, we have options!-- I've been a little surprised by progressive friends who asked post-ceremony, "So, what is your new last name?" Um, what? It's everywhere...My insurance representative did the same thing when I called to add my sweetie to my account. I responded, "It's the same as my old last name." This confused her greatly. She assumed that meant that his last name is also Rapp (what are the odds?) and that by changing it to his I was keeping it the same. Again, what??

Ultimately, I couldn't visualize living life under a different moniker, and I know I made the right choice. Mr. AFY_Meghan recognized that he also didn't want to change his name, and, as he explained to his parents, wouldn't ask anyone to do something he wasn't willing to do. Marriage has raised some very interesting questions about identity for me, especially when I think about it through a feminist lens. Both of us strongly identify with our surnames -- is it fair to have one person's sense of identity trump another person's? I've had articles and other work published under Meghan Rapp - could I continue building a career on a different name? As a feminist, could I be happy becoming a "Mrs. Someone Else"? Why, as a woman, am I expected to be absorbed into a man's identity? If we have children, why is the automatic assumption in our society that they will get his last name? He's an only child, but I'm one of 4 daughters...don't we both have a stake in "continuing our line"?

I'm curious about what others have decided to do in relation to marriage and naming, and why they made that choice (and I recognize that it is indeed a deeply personal decision). Have you ever thought about what you'd do with your name if you got married? Would you have a preference for your spouse?

Or, if you are married, how did you reach your decision about your name? If you made a non-traditional name choice, what did you say or do to let people know?

this took me from zen to harpy in no time flat.

So I, being the feminism-craving dork that I am, decided to type 'feminism' into Google for fun. The first result was Wikipedia's entry , the little description under the title reading "Feminism is the belief that women should have political, social, sexual, intellectual and economic rights equal to those of men." That made me stop and think for a bit, because I feel like that's such a confining definition to the term; it's a very one-dimensional take to a concept that is so complex. I mean yeah, we want gender equality, but I think there is so much more to feminism than just matching up to our male counterparts.

For me, 'feminism' has been closer to bell hooks' definition: "a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression." It's not just looking at things from a woman/man dichotomy, but examining hegemony, intersectional analyses, and so much more. Wikipedia is by no means the most reliable source one can look to, but it sucks many people will be given a limited impression of feminism because of it.

Sorry if this is a repeat . I need to rant. To put it nicely, I have a problem with people who say stupid things and make stupid comments out of jealously or curiosity(whatever their motive). I live with my boyfriend and I have for some time now. I was born and raised here in Brooklyn , so it's not like I am dealing with people from small sheltered areas ( nothing wrong with small towns ). At my CUNY college, some of my classmates( who i am with for all my classes,unit projects,peer review of student teaching) would say" oh my father would never let me live with my boyfriend" or "wow that would never happen". I do not defend my stance. My BF has a career and I am almost done with school and I will be teaching soon, we are both hard workers, that's is all. I just become increasingly annoyed when people make these comments and then say "oh I wish I could".

A decade ago today, two high school seniors from Columbine High School in Littleton, Co., made headlines by opening fire on their fellow students, subsequently killing 13 and injuring more than 20 others prior to killing themselves.

Then the deadliest school-related shooting until the Virginia Tech massacre eight years later, Columbine remains in the hearts and minds of Americans, and is a centerpiece of discussions about gun control and violence.

But there's nothing special about the Columbine shootings - school shootings took place before Allen Klebold and Eric Harris ever opened fire on those students, and they have taken since. Case after case, the blueprint is similar, and shows a disturbing trend: young men using violence to solve problems, and in the process, killing themselves and those around them.

This is hardly a phenomenon, and is often the rule rather than the exception, yet each time a shooting takes place, the same tired record is played - questions about gun control will be answered, the role of parents will be discussed - and yet, each time, nothing will be changed. Boys, it appears, will be boys.

But what if we approach the problems of violence differently? What if, rather than blaming the evil media for the violent programs put forth on TV, or the availability of guns, we actually discuss the messages we're teaching young boys, and look at violence from a gender perspective? If Cynthia Enloe's arguments of looking at international conflicts through feminist lens makes sense, then perhaps, Jackson Katz' arguments of looking at men's acts of violence through feminist lens also makes sense.

After shootings like these, social commentators will always have someone to shift the blame. Social conservatives will point to the decline of family values, and encourage parents to turn off the television and focus on being parents. Peace-loving liberals will focus on the lack of gun control, and say that to cure the sickness of our society, we've got to make it harder to obtain guns. Those who look for cultural changes will point to the rap industry, and try to get parental controls on the records children buy, and the movies they watch.

But herein lies the problem: if children are learning from their parents to embrace violence, to whom do they turn to learn any differently? If fathers continue to beat mothers, will any amount of teaching their children help? Violent men, after all, are just grown up violent boys. On gun control, we can take away all the guns we wish, and with that the knives and sticks and stones, it does not mean young men will stop the cycle of violence. Children, after all, can get quite innovative. We can also turn off the violent music, and the censor the movies they watch, but until we show young men a different outlet, they will always take up violence as a way to solve problems.

After every shooting, it seems, talking heads - the supposed authorities on the social ills of the world will tell Nancy Grace and Larry King that we need to be on the lookout for warning signs of persons most likely to commit violent acts. But if we'd just stop for a second and view society from a different lens, the so-called "warning signs" are all there, being played out everyday.

Today, I was at my friend Maggie's apartment, working on some economics homework. While I was there, I noticed a baby bottle on her desk and thought it was an odd item to be on a college student's desk, so I asked her about it. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "What's up with the bottle?"

Maggie: "Oh, I'm supposed to put money in it, turn it in to Students for Life (the campus pro-life group), and the money goes to this facility that helps women have their babies and properly care for them... I forgot what the place is called."

Me: "A crisis pregnancy center?"

Maggie: "Yeah!"

Me: [quickly putting the bottle back] "You know, those places trick women into not getting abortions."

Maggie: "...Which I think is a good thing."

I had to literally clench my jaw to stop the conversation there. Maggie noticed, and asked if I was alright, and I told her that I really wanted to rant, but was not going to because I love her. She thanked me.

Now, with other friends and acquaintances, I'd have let my position be known very clearly. I'm not generally one to hold my tongue. But Maggie is a very good friend of mine, and I highly value her friendship. I wanted to tell her about why I was so against crisis pregnancy centers, but I knew I'd be (ahem) emotional about it, and did not want to push my beliefs on her when I was the one to bring up the bottle in the first place. She does not push her beliefs on me, and is very respectful about my differing political views and feminist viewpoints. I felt that, had the situation been reversed and she went off about how abortion is "killing babies," I'd feel attacked and pretty offended. I don't want a friend that is constantly preaching purity and pro-life messages to me. Not to mention the fact that abortion is an area where people tend to have deep-seated beliefs, and my rant most likely wouldn't change Maggie's view of abortion or crisis pregnancy centers. Therefore, not knowing how to appropriately breach the subject, I shut up.

Basically, I'd just like a little input on what an appropriate way to handle these types of situations would be. I don't believe in shoving my beliefs down someone else's throat, but I have a hard time not reacting to statements that seriously go against my views, and my knee-jerk reaction is to go on a tirade, for lack of a better term. It seems very narrow-minded to restrict your pool of friends to only include those who agree with you politically. Debate can be healthy, but this friend is already very aware of my feminist ideology, and dragging her into a debate constantly wouldn't be realistic. How do you deal with close friends whose views are very different from yours?

So, I understand that pictures of nude underaged girls shouldn't be posted on public websites such as Myspace. A 14 year old girl in New Jersey is facing extreme charges for posting explicitly nude pictures of herself on her Myspace profile.

The act of this girl was a mistake, but she shouldn't be treated like a felon or a sex offender- in my opinion anyway. She's 14 people, she's just a child and she's being brought up on child pornography and the distribution of child pornography charges. I think this is way too extreme.

When I was in high school, a girl had sent nude pictures of herself to a guy that she liked, and it wound up being sent to the whole school and eventually the internet. Now, are they telling me that for this mistake she would be brought up on child pornography charges with the possibility of having to register as a sex offender?

What do ya'll think about this? Is it too extreme? I'm curious.

This post was inspired by this post by Ann.

I just moved back to the States after spending the last five years living overseas on military bases. I was only 19 when I left and so I have established myself as an adult away from the immediate influences and attitudes of my family. Now that I'm back, this has led to an interesting conundrum.

I've changed, my family hasn't.

Some might find it surprising that living in a military environment would lead me to be less sexist, racist, or homophobic--but it hasn't. The military institution may be racist and homophobic, but the people I chose to befriend, the people I grew with and grew to love, weren't. Military bases aren't only populated by military people. They aren't even only populated by military families. There are government contractors, DoDDs workers, etc. And, of course, not all military personnel hold racist or homophobic views. If there is one thing the military is not, it's not racist. It's forced anti-racism, if it's anything. I have now had friends of all skin tones and from many different countries of origin. With such a diversity of people, it's no wonder these last five years have changed me.

Now, however, when I go home, I'm acutely aware of the sexist, racist, and homophobic attitudes of my family. Growing up, they were so common, so there , that I'm ashamed to admit I never noticed them. I even subscribed to them. Gag. But now, it's all different. As the hymn goes, I once was blind but now I see. It's an extremely uncomfortable situation for me.

I love my family, dearly. I would never want to hurt them. Once, on a previous visit, I pointed out that a comment my mom made was racist. I actually said, "Wow. That's really racist, Mom." She was utterly unconvinced that what she had just said was, in fact, racist.

So, I guess, basically, how should I respond to this general atmosphere? My current method of sitting in uncomfortable silence just isn't doing it for me, I think. Should I keep blantantly pointing out their bigoted points of view like I did before? Should I try witty comebacks? What?

I'm getting a divorce. Not because of abuse, or infidelity, or constant fighting (all good reasons), but because it's what I want.

This might seem simple and a no-brainer on a feminist blog, but I'd bet a lot of you grew up like me. The divorced women I knew had been left, or had been abused. We felt sorry for them, because they were divorced, incomplete, alone. Certainly better than continuing abuse, but here's hoping her next husband will be better. Off the top of my head I cannot think of a single woman I know who simply (ha) decided she wasn't happy and left.

It took me two years and counselling to realize I had a right to be happy, and to take steps to secure my happiness, that I wasn't fickle or selfish, that divorce isn't something we should necessarily feel sorry for or regret. I don't regret getting married, either, but it's no longer right for me, and the idea that "no longer right for me" could be okay was novel, to put it lightly.

I had kept my plans pretty quiet, and had voiced my unhappiness to only a few people. Even so, when I told my boss I was divorcing my husband, she said, "I'm so happy for you," and started to cry. It broke my heart for her.

I'm a journalism student and I'm taking an elective on editorial writing. For my final project topic, I chose to write about stereotypes in advertising. The goals of my editorial and column will be to encourage people to support products that use socially responsible advertising. Here's where I could use your help.

What are some of the worst ads in terms of racism, sexism, homophobia, etc? I already have Axe on the list.
What are some of the most progressive/open minded ads you can think of? The only one I have is the Dove real beauty campaign.
Most importantly, does anyone have links to studies about how stereotypes affect people's perception of a group? I remember hearing about a study where people exposed to sexist jokes earmarked less money to go to charities that help women, but I haven't been able to find it. What about studies that show how advertising impacts people's views of society? Any advertisers know of professional societies or watchdog agencies that monitor this type of thing?

I'd appreciate any info or ideas you all have. Thanks!

I am looking for a women's group/feminist group to join in the Dallas area.  I know there must be something out there, though I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for.  I'm hesitant but I almost want to say a sort of sorority for those out of college (I just graduated last year, didn't do the sorority thing there and not quite sure how I feel about them) or even like a girl scouts for adults thing.  I know that may sound weird but I am looking for a group of women to become life long friends with while also doing some charity work or have a common purpose as well.

I hope this made at least a little sense and if any knows of any feminist groups in this area or other things I could possibly look for/become involved in please let me know!

I'm not qualified to speak on this issue. I don't want to step on any toes but the Atlantic Monthly this month has an interesting article.

"Even in the best of marriages, the domestic burden shifts, in incremental, mostly unacknowledged ways, onto the woman. Breast-feeding plays a central role in the shift. In my set, no husband tells his wife that it is her womanly duty to stay home and nurse the child. Instead, both parents together weigh the evidence and then make a rational, informed decision that she should do so. Then other, logical decisions follow: she alone fed the child, so she naturally knows better how to comfort the child, so she is the better judge to pick a school for the child and the better nurse when the child is sick, and so on. Recently, my husband and I noticed that we had reached the age at which friends from high school and college now hold positions of serious power. When we went down the list, we had to work hard to find any women. Where had all our female friends strayed? Why had they disappeared during the years they'd had small children?"

Again I don't think I'm qualified to comment, but I think the whole article needs to be read and addressed it's interesting.

I put this in Random because I couldn't find any other category it fit into.

I have a great relationship with my father. We often go to the movies and shopping and many other events. As a baby he was my primary caretaker as my mother was attending nursing school at the time. This may be part of the reason I have such an emotional attachment to him. He was also a teacher at my high school. It had it's down sides like he knew about everything that happened there. But it was also good as I was constantly bullied and sent to the office crying. He was there to calm me down.

But it often seems to me that I'm the only one with this sort of relationship with my father. All my friends have negative feelings towards their fathers. In most cases, I don't blame them as they really did have crappy dads.

Then in popular culture we usually see dads like Homer Simpson. I won't deny I enjoy these shows due to their humor but why can't we get some good fathers on TV. A few years ago there was a show called Raising Dad which got canceled after one season. I watched it because it was about a girl whose father was a teacher at her school. But it was disappointing as the father kept telling embarrassing stories about his daughter to the class. Completely unrealistic.

I just read this article on CNN.com. The author, Fernanda Moore, discusses how she tried to discipline her husband by using the techniques she picked up in parenting guides - and which have been successful on her children.

Beyond the weirdness of treating your husband like a child, the author also seems to resent staying at home with the kids and portrays her husband as ungrateful.

I don't know. It all seems strange. I'd prefer a partner - male OR female - who doesn't need to be treated like a child, who respects me, and who helps around the house without being "creatively disciplined."

This is a topic that I often struggle with, and it exists on a much broader sense, I suppose, involving fashion in general. I've always been slightly torn, since some people, or most, benefit from fashion in a way; it offers a chance to express oneself, present themselves to the world. On the other hand, it can also become quite oppressive, when you find yourself having to adhere to certain standards, lest you get frowned upon, receive scornful looks, or just sheer laughter.

There are also the expectations that ensue. Many jobs have unwritten rules that practically require a skirt and heels. Many places, including churches on Sundays, court appearances, or any occasion where a woman has to "dress up", require such uncomfortable attire. Now, for those who enjoy these fashion standards, I urge you to keep enjoying, it is a good thing. But for those that don't, I wonder, what other choices are there? Personally, my experiences with high heels have not been so great.

My toes have suffered sores, and I cannot stand for long periods of time, which on many occasions, I was required to do. Obviously, given an emergency, I would not be able to run fast enough. Sure, I could take them off, but I would not have the added support and protection of sneakers or shoes. I have also learned that it is a man who originally stands behind the idea for high heels, which angers me a little bit more; although I am not certain of the veracity, nor can I even remember the source where I learned this.

I see high heels as limiting a woman's ability to move about, rendering her helpless in certain situations; and I am sure most of us have seen those 80s slasher flicks where she's running in the woods, and trips and falls because of them. (another topic). I see them as a way of exploiting her as some sort of image on a pedestal to be gawked at.

On a more positive note, however, they can make you taller, which is/was a common reason for their use. So, what are your thoughts and experiences with heels?

I don't know about everyone else on the east coast, but my tv channels in los angeles are showing a lovely movie commercial every 10 minutes. While the UN (and the rest of the world) are celebrating international women's day and while we are entering women's history month (March), in Los Angeles I have to be subjected to commercials of "Miss March" which is a story about a boy who goes into a coma, wakes up and realizes that the girl he was going to have sex with is now in the playboy mansion and is in fact "Miss March." 

how ironic

(cross-posted at Women's Glib )

Hello, good friend/acquaintance/classmate/stranger. I’m just writing to let you know that I am in fact aware that my breasts are big. Thanks.

I mean, I’ve only been living with them for years. But thank you, person/classmate-who-I-may-or-may-not-know-particularly-well-and-don’t-necessarily-feel-comfortable-with for informing me. Your comment about my chest really spurred meaningful and insightful conversation and didn’t embarrass or dehumanize me in the slightest. I feel incredibly respected.

No but seriously. Don’t tell me to, “put them away,” or notify me that you could probably swipe a credit card through my cleavage. I don’t want to hear it. If my bra is visible and you would like to enlighten me of that fact, that’s fine, but making a “hilarious” comment about my breasts because you somehow feel that it’s appropriate or because you “only want to give me a compliment” ISN’T charming. What it tells me is that you’re more interested in discussing cup size than anything I may have been able to add to our conversation.

And another thing, wearing a low-cut shirt doesn’t give you the right to comment either. I’m sorry if I’m showing cleavage, that must be really difficult for you, but I’m sure you can move your eyes about six inches to the north . It is NOT my fault that you think yourself incapable of doing the simple task of looking at my face. And NO, wearing a low-cut shirt does not mean I’m “asking for it,” no matter how many people may have told you so. Please desist.

This may seem harsh, but I have HAD IT with STRANGERS and even CLOSE FRIENDS of both genders thinking it’s entirely normal to say, “Wait, oh my God, but you have really big tits,” in the middle of a conversation. And I’m fucking sick of letting such inconsiderate assholery get to me.

With the most sincere “go fuck yourself” I can muster,
Phoebe

As most people who have read any of my other community posts know, I go to Georgetown University in Washington, DC. Georgetown is a school filled with pride for its Jesuit heritage. Many Jesuits teach classes at Georgetown--often classes with some of the longest wait lists. There is a chaplain-in-residence in every dormitory, and more than one daily mass in the campus chapel. Now as a feminist, I've run into some issues with my school's Jesuit identity, particularly because they do not acknowledge the pro-choice student group on campus as a legitimate campus group; however, I love Georgetown and am proud of its heritage in most situations. Plus, the Jesuits are probably the coolest priests ever.

So, on Friday, it came to the attention of some of the students that an act of vandalism had taken place on campus. A statue of Mary on the front lawn of the school had been defaced. The face of the white stone statue had been painted black. Of course there was a facebook outcry, which I thought was necessary. It's ridiculous, in my opinion, when any school property has been defaced. Georgetown tends to be a very clean campus, and graffiti of any kind is usually cleaned up rather quickly. Two years ago after a very intense basketball game, Pitt students/fans vandalized our campus, and Georgetown quickly took action to remove or cover the graffiti. So, I was very happy to see that there was a public outcry about the vandalism of the Mary statue, because outcry generally leads to action by the University to clean up such things.

But then, the outcry about the ridiculousness of vandalizing the Mary statue became a blame game. One student in his facebook status about the incident asked where the school's Catholic identity had gone. One of his friends quickly replied that it had been "replaced by the gay identity." The first student replied that he couldn't argue, because it was true. Truth? Here's the truth: after multiple "bias-related incidents" last year (I airquote, because I think they should be called hate crimes, not incidents) involving LGBTQ students, one that ended up being taken to court as a hate crime (though later dropped ), students rallied for a change. The University, after much debate, decided to create an LGBTQ resource center that would work to aid students and hopefully serve as a deterrent to such crimes. The pope was not so happy with this, and some students, obviously the ones writing this stuff on their facebook, think that because LGBTQ students have a resource center on campus, they are somehow undermining the Catholic students. Because, according to their flawed logic, creating a safe space for LGBTQ students equates to destroying Georgetown's catholic identity, and as such, relates directly to the vandalism in question.

I'm really upset about this. I'm upset that anyone finds it remotely okay to say that people who identify as LGBTQ and allies are the reason that bad things happen at our school. If we just consider historically what has happened when a single people group is blamed for all of the bad things that happen in a country/community, we'll realize how messed up this is. That is, if you didn't already realize that this facebook status and comment pair was completely bigoted and hateful. We're on the verge of sex positive week on campus-- a week (sponsored in part by GU Pride) about what it means to be sex positive, and about fostering a conversation about sex positivity on campus. And though I don't think it will help the facebook-people in question, I think that some understanding of sex positivity and acceptance is what this campus needs. And the vandalism on Mary, and on facebook, needs to be cleaned up!

Cross-posted here

in a perfect world, no woman insults another woman. every woman respects every woman, and every woman appreciates every woman.

so what happens when you have ill feelings toward another woman?

i feel so petty even posting this but i have to know!

even as a lesbian, i feel this way! but its mostly toward other women who i feel like are flirting with my partner (not that i own her, and its not her fault she's so charming, amazing and intellegent!) so the question is:

how do you deal with poor feelings toward another woman that you feel are leading you into that (hate to say it, but for lack of better words)"catfight" way of thinking?

and here's another (petty) problem that basically sums up my whole situation:

a while back, my current partner and i were going thru some trouble and a mutual friend of ours asked her on a date. they went on said date (while we were on a temporary breakup) and my partner decided she wasn't into her and we got back together. by now, we've moved away and i hardly ever see the girl.

except on facebook, where we are friends.

she still wants to hang out with my partner sometimes when she's in town. i trust my partner and its her right to do whatever she wants, but i still become a nervous wreck about it.

worst part: the girl is a huge feminist! she studied it in school, and knows all of the important names and dates in the history of feminism, but she still irks me sometimes. even the sight of her face makes my blood boil! but i like her, hate her, and respect her at the same time! i hate it that such a cool girl had (has?) an interest in my partner and now i feel like an angry caveman! how do i stop?

A little while ago I decided to join the Bank of America and was surprised to receive this in my goodie bag. Wrapped in clear plastic was this little gem, a laundry bag circa 1950. But no, made out of cheap polyester, this was made more recently and yet still held a tribute to the past. "Hi Mom, I'm home" on a laundry bag, good one guys.

Hooray for BoA!

I am a morning person, and typically I either channel flip or read early in the morning. I found out last weekend that there's a new version of the Mr. Men show on tv. I remember back when I was younger in the early 90's reading the various books and seeing some of the original programs, and had a nice moment of nostalgia. Alas, sexism seemed to attack this moment by my noticing several things. Far more Mr's than Miss's even in the newer version. The Mr's seemed to have a wider range of more complex emotions and were the only ones with somewhat "normal" personas, i.e. Mr Happy. The new characters for the new version were almost exclusively men. And as for the new Miss character, it's Miss Scary. Sigh. I guess Miss Genius, Miss Muscle, or Miss Philosophical simply don't exist. And that is not a word that's too big for younger viewers since there is a Mr Persnickety. And technically, it's Little Miss Scary, because it seems all women are little. Guess I must have missed that lecture in Biology class. So now it's just wonderful that pleasant nostalgia has to be ruined by sexism. Anyone else have an event in their life similar to this?

You know what makes me want to throw up? People announcing to the room how they're so 'controversial' and 'so not into that political correctness stuff'. You're having a drink or you're in a class and someone will come out with it, or you find it on the disclaimer of a blog, or on the back of a 'funny' book about how feminists and gays are scum, or a comedian will go on about it. Seriously, when I hear or read 'I'm so politically incorrect!' it signals to me that everyone's in for a boring time. It usually means they consider themselves and/or their work really edgy and tough, when in reality they're the most tedious and conservative people you'll ever meet. In my experience, it's said by both sexes but more often by men before or after they display their prejudices towards gays, women, people of colour, etc., and more often by women before or after they announce they're 'SO not one of those feminists'. A lesser version of this, usually said by women, is to tell you how 'crazy' themselves or their friends are, and that also usually means you're in for a really irritating conversation.

I understand when 'PC' is exploited sometimes it can be annoying. But if someone's got something radical to say, something that really is controversial, then they can show it instead of stating it. And not accuse you of being a hysterical bleeding heart liberal to defend their prejudice because they simply don't have a real argument.

Just my morning thoughts, really.

I have been a fan of feministing for a long time. Not only feministing, but feministe, pandagon, and shakesville. I have been a feminist since age 11 when I realized I was habitually punished for failing to act like a young lady. I often spoke out in class, tried to be funny, and imitated the behaviors of males. Once I started getting my period, I felt very dirty. I remember telling people that I wish I was male so I could be "cleaner" and not have to deal with gross and smelly maxi pads.

About a year later, I witnessed my mother get abused by my stepdad. He lost his temper a lot and did things like scream in her face, destroy property in our apartment, and kick the pets. Not surprisingly, he wasn't very nice to me either. He screamed at me, threatened to physically harm me, and constantly put me down and called me names. A few year later, I began dating boys. Most of them treated me not much better than my stepdad treated me.

It's an issue I've been thinking about a lot lately, and seeing as to how a few others bloggers have written about it, I've decided to join in.

What I am most interested in are your struggles when it comes to dating as a feminist. I've got mine - and for me, there are several factors that make feminist dating challenging as a whole.

First and foremost, it's the lack of feminists who are available. This is not to say, of course, that a feminist cannot date a non-feminist, but because I am investing time into something, I'd like to do so with someone who shares with me the values and convictions of feminism. While this is not the biggest challenge, and I am not complaining, as I have it pretty good in terms of demographics, as I am a heterosexual male and there are more of women than men in the movement. To me, feminism is almost a religion - whereas Christians seek out other Christians - and yes, Christians can also date Jews, but as a feminist, it's important that the person I am with carries the "F" identification. While I may not need a relationship and may not even want a relationship, those I choose to invest my time in need to self-indentify as feminist. Supposedly, that's having too strict a standard, a friend told me.

Secondly, and I think most important (I should have written this in order, huh?) is the hetero-normative practices of dating. It becomes a struggle when we understand how sexist certain practices can be (or simply because we're uncomfortable with those dating practices), yet understand that we have to somewhat give in, as to not appear distant or cold. Sometimes, I do the bar scene - where I enjoy a good game of pool, a few drinks and talking to women.

Whenever I am staying with my parents back in my hometown, I browse the wedding announcements in the newspaper to look for people I might know.

I find it pretty disturbing and depressing that more than half (maybe even 75%) the announcements are re: the marriage of "Mr. and Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName."
As I looked through the pages on Sunday I was floored by just how many couples are publicly labeling themselves that way.

I don't read the wedding announcements in any other papers so I have nothing to compare my hometown paper with. Has anyone else noticed this?

Hey everyone,

Does anyone know where online I could find the script to the (I think it's a one act) play "Yo Me Divorcia, Papa" by Malena Sandor? (Translation: I'm Getting Divorced, Papa) I'm looking for it for a possible performance piece in the spring.

If anyone has any links or info on this that would be AMAZING! Thank you!

I attend an all-women's college in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Roanoke, Virginia, and after a Women's Studies Intro course my first year at Hollins University, I knew I couldn't just major in English, but that I had to double major in Gender & Women's Studies.

I have always grown up with a feminist perspective. My grandmother spent her time in the 60s and 70s working towards the women's liberation movement, marching to court houses in Los Angeles and work with consciousness raising groups. My mother, a divorced mom of two, taught me more than any class could about classism, sexism, and the importance of education. I thought with my background and eagerness to explore what Women's Studies classes hold that I could finally find my own voice as a feminist and become a part of the feminist community at Hollins.

But that has been nothing but wishful thinking. I am a junior, and after declaring my Women's Studies major this past year, I thought that I would finally get some actual respect and recognition from the department chairs and the other women in the department. Even after working to help feminism thrive on campus (I brought transgendered author Kate Bornstein, sex-education activisit and star of the documentary The Education of Shelby Knox Shelby Knox, and Feministing founder herself, Jessica Valenti to speak, planned and made arrangements for the Vagina Monologues to go on last February, participated as an active member in the Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance, and even went on a week-long New York City Feminism Bootcamp), I feel nothing but isolation from my fellow feminists on campus and disregarded by the Professors.

What I have witnessed in the Women's Studies department is that stereotypes of what a feminist or a Women's Studies student should be are what the professors seem to respond best to.

Thanks to everyone who responded to my cry for help lo those many weeks ago. I got so many replies from the different places that I posted that I actually had too much information. So if there's anyone who replied and I didn't use your info, sorry, nothing personal, I had to pick and choose and wound up using a very small portion of what I had.

Anyhoo, I posted the article to my blog. It's way too long to post here.

Just wanted to share.

*Just to warn everyone upfront, this is a rant.  I don't know if this is the kind of stuff people want to read about on Feministing, but I thought there might be someone here who can relate...

You know, I remember the exact day it started. It started when I was researching birth control. I was about to get married, and I knew nothing about it.I didn’t even know that if you were on the pill, you had to take it everyday, and I certainly didn’t know you had to take it at the same time everyday. I didn’t learn about it from my mom, who thought the pill was dangerous and whose preferred birth control method during the 1970s was the diaphragm. (Do people still use those?) And I certainly didn’t learn about it in my abstinence only sex education classes. I had to research it myself, the old fashioned way – on Google. Somewhere in between reading about estrogen, progesterone and cervical mucus, I stumbled across an article about how some pharmacists were refusing to fill prescriptions for birth control and emergency contraception. I was outraged, I couldn’t believe it… someone could actually refuse to fill a prescription that my doctor wrote me based on “moral grounds”?! Yes, I was getting married, but what if I wasn’t? That was the moment, right then and there - there was no turning back. I was a feminist.

Why do people at work automatically think that you're married when the first question they ask you when you start a new job is 'Do you have any children?' Not, 'So are you married?'

When I answer yes I do have children to that question the people I work with start asking me rapid fire questions about where my husband works? Why don't I have a husband? How about a boyfriend? Why don't you have a boyfriend? Are you a lesbian?

Then they start going on and on about how I need to find a man so my life will be complete. Also that I need to have someone to take care of me and my boys so I won't have to work anymore. Don't people, the hispanic men I work with most of all, realize that maybe I like to work? Or maybe I like being single? I understand that their is a big culture difference between me and most of the people I work with but come on.

I think what really gets me mad however is when they start saying that I need to find a man so that I can have more babies. Like I need more babies. My youngest is finally old enough that he can make his own peanut butter sandwich and go to the bathroom without me holding his hand. Why would I want to start all over. Now is where the fun begins. My sons are both old enough that when we go to the park I don't have to push a stroller, I don't have to lug around a huge diaper bag and I don't have to worry to bad about one of them climbing up onto something that they can't get down from on their own. I don't like babies. I like toddlers and pre-schoolers who have a personality, not drooly, floppy, hold me always babies. I'm not saying that I didn't love my boys when they were babies but I like them much better now.

So why do I have to have a man to make my life complete? I already have a wonderful, fulfilling life. I enjoy being a single mother. I like to work and I often choose jobs that are more masculine than feminine in nature. If I want sex I can go to any bar and pick someone up for the night. Hell, I don't know any girl who doesn't have a fuck buddy for just those moments.

I am a woman. I am independent. I am strong. I am a force to be reckoned with. And I don't need a man.

Sorry about the rant, but does anyone else have to deal with this aggravation on a daily basis?

Today two of my friends began playing a game on Facebook where they would try to determine someone's race and social background based on their name. They would say things like "that's a black girls name" or "she sounds like white trash". So, I tried to tell them the obvious: that they're stereotyping and its not cool. But they defended themselves saying that some stereotyping is ok, talking about how its defended in sociology as a way of retaining information or something. My first thought is "you're a undergrad psychology major, what the hell do you know about sociology?" but my second thought is, "can you actually defend stereotyping?". Basically I stood my ground and told them that, no, its not cool to try and determine anything about anyone based on their name. But, I don't know how to defend my position. Beyond saying it's wrong, I don't know how to make my friends realize how what they're doing makes them look and exactly whats wrong with it. What can I say that will make them understand? I mean, they're both smart people and besides this I've never heard them say anything that bothered me. I'm not good at articulating my thoughts, I know what they're doing isn't good, but I don't know how to let them know in a way that isn't confrontational.

[This is my first ever feministing community post.  I have been reading for a long time...but it just felt like the right time to dive in.]

I used to routinely lie when I would put my weight on something official.  Not by much, but I stretched it a bit.

I have recently given consideration to what this does, but more so b/c of the reaction I get when I actually confess my secret shameful truth (read sarcastically as I am trying to get on board w/ loving myself).  When I tell people that I actually weigh 207 pounds, the normal response that I get is "But you don't look that fat!" or "There is no way you weigh that much".

I realize what people are trying to do here.  I can appreciate the thought process that is behind it, b/c I too want to make people feel good about themselves.  For a long time it did make me feel better to think that I was fooling someone, even if it was a polite lie.

But there was a side I had never considered until I read this post by fillyjonk at Shapely Prose.

I can’t imagine a situation in which anyone uses your weight on your license to identify you, and it’s quite possible I look more like people’s idea of 185 than their idea of 215. But this is my identification card. And I identify as a person who weighs 215 pounds, because that is what I weigh.

It’s important to me that my sense of my “real body” matches up with the body I’ve got, and putting my real weight on my license feels like a manifestation of that. Part of it is the importance of owning your weight and thus countering people’s misconceptions of what 200 pounds or 300 pounds looks like.

It's important to note that there is probably a good portion of people who imagine 200 or 300 pounds as a helluva lot bigger that it is.  I should be crystal clear that it really doesn't fucking matter what people think of me, b/c I sit here as someone who has been told repeatedly that I am really beautiful, but still can't find the strength to believe it when I look in the mirror or step on a scale.  What matters the most is my perception of myself.  Plus, using words like "you aren't that fat" feels othering to people who are that fat.  And they are people too, worthy of dignity and respect and love.  There is absolutely nothing wrong w/ being that fat, so I don't feel a need to put a wall there among people who are already shamed and othered.

I am a 17 year old girl in desperate need of role models. I still feel like a kid and I don't want to grow up trying to act like the girls on Gossip Girl or The Hills. I want to know who I can look up to. Jessica has been a role model ever since I read her first book (I had to buy it after seeing her on Colbert) but I want more books like that. I want to admire the people and the work of the media instead of trying to learn from its mistakes. I want to know anyone or anything that inspired the feminist in you.

Thank You!

My father left my family when I was 5 years old. During that time, I clearly remember him physically abusing both my mother and me. What I've never been so clear about however, is the sexual abuse that may or may not have taken place. I'm not sure how to explain it; I've always felt like it did take place but I've just succeeded in convincing myself it didn't happen. You know, either my mother hinted at it enough for me to fabricate some shadowy memories or I fabricated them myself, years later. Or simply out of the denial that my own father would have ever gone that far. So after some serious thinking about how this may further affect my non-existant relationship with my father and my rocky relationship with the rest of my family; I requested that my entire medical history be shipped to my house.

I found out that at age four, there was enough conclusive medical evidence for my doctor to say that I had been sexually abused. I have no idea what the hell to do now. I had imagined that this day would bring immense relief, maybe sorrow but most likely, anger. I feel like I should remember this more plainly and feel some sort of something but I feel nothing. In a way, I like to think I'm lucky that I don't remember it, but that feels hugely insensitive to the millions of women who do remember the abuse that was inflicted upon them. I feel like I should be crying but I can't. Instead, I'm sitting at my desk, calmly typing the words “I was sexually abused by my own father.” Words that I will most likely never, ever utter to another person.

Two of my friends just came into my room, I minimized this window and we all had 30-minute conversation as if nothing was wrong. Well, technically nothing is wrong. I guess I'm looking for someone who has gone through something like this, anyone that can tell me anything...I would really appreciate it. Sorry for being so broad, I’m just confused.

I don't want anyone to feel like I'm demanding stories; because I am definitely not, I just need to get some support from the only people I know who can give it; my sistas at Feministing. If anyone feels comfortable sharing, please do.

It's about 10am on Sunday morning, and about half an hour ago a stranger called my cell phone. It was a restricted number, so when I answered I expected it to be someone misdialing--instead, it was a strange man claiming I'd given him my number. Normally, I would just assume that he was trying to call someone else, but he rattled off my number and asked if I was busy. I told him I was, and that I didn't know who he was or why i would have given him my number (i've had the same one for 8 years--it's possible at some point I did give him my number, or he could have been lying). I told him I was going to hang up, and he said he wanted to ask me a question. Hoping that would get him to just go away, I sighed and told him to go ahead.

He asked me to "play with your pussy." Obviously, I was disgusted, and told him to get the fuck off the phone and never call me again. Not exactly the most crushing thing I could have said, but it is what it is. I hung up, turned on some music to make my apartment feel less empty, and called my mom to vent--I was more annoyed than anything else.

My mom's theory was that it was just some loser trying to get a reaction. Which, she pointed out, I had pretty much given him by swearing. For a second, I agreed with her and wished that I had just hung up the phone.

But you know what? I'm glad I reacted. I'm glad I made it clear that I did not find it acceptable (or clever) to call anonymously and say offensive things just because I'm a woman and I can't stop him. Anonymity does not give someone the right to reduce me to an object for his own pleasure. Being a woman does not mean that I can be disrespected that way, which I think was the underlying (if unconscious) justification behind the voice on the phone.

Was he just looking for an angry reation? Yeah, probably. Should I have just hung up without saying anything? Maybe. But I'm glad I asserted myself. It's not the biggest thing to ever happen to me, but I'm glad I got angry and had my say, instead of hanging up the phone in fear.

OK, so I'm a journalism student.  I'm taking a magazine writing class and for the final project I have to write a feature length article.  My topic is feminists who participate in traditional "woman's work" hobbies, such as knitting, sewing, baking, etc.  I'd love some feedback from any of you who participate (or don't but have an opinion).

I'm going to say that if you comment, you consent to me quoting you in my article.  Chances are, it won't be published, but I may try to submit it to some magazines, so publication is a possibility.  If you'd like me to use your real name, please leave it (you can email it to me if you'd rather); otherwise I'll refer to anything I use by your username.  I'd just rather not have to sift through answers that say awesome things but don't want to be quoted.  :)

I've written some questions, please answer any or all of them, or feel free to stray and say whatever you think on the topic.

In general, what is your view on feminists reclaiming traditional “woman’s work” as leisure activities?

Hello, this is my first post here.

But I feel like I need your opinion.

I'm an university student in Germany and I had last week this class that is still bothering me.

It is mainly about Migration in Asia (since my major is Japanese language and culture) and this particular class was about Gender in Migration.

We had this text about the gender stratification of migration.

It seems that migration law in Asia is really strict and in some countries you only get accepted when you are a skilled worker or some exception.

It seems a lot of countries don't give women the education to become a skilled worker migrant so they have to migrate illegal or as a domestic worker. (Exceptions to traditional health care or teaching jobs it seems)

In the text was stated that one of the main reasons a women is migrating is because the job situation is bad in her country and her husband is permanently unemployed and cant support the family. So the women is migrating to a country either as a domestic worker, entertainer (mostly working in a bar hostess etc) or illegal (prostitutes). It seems even when they entered the country legally e.g. as a domestic worker, there are no proper laws to secure them, so they face things like domestic violence & rape.

These things are not new I know so here comes my problem:

Also it was stated that when the women earns the money the relationship faces “reversed gender roles” and causes in most of the cases difficulties in the marriage.

As many of you may know, I haven't exactly held my tongue when it comes to speaking out against the sexism and homophobia of the US military. In fact, for doing so, I've been pulled off the air for "re-training" or been asked to just play music many times when I was a younger journalist. Here, without the constraints of someone telling me what I can and cannot say, I'd like to explore the topic of the US military as a form of patriarchy toward other nations, and specifically, their women.

Imagine yourself a young, conventionally attractive woman from a war-torn, economically depressed country the US current occupies. Although traditions dictate that you belong in the private sphere, as a young woman, you are also the one responsibility for well-being of your family, to include making sure everyone has enough to eat, and that there is a roof over your heads.

To accomplish these tasks you have a few choices: you can either work at one of the many American factories, standing in long assembly lines all day, producing clothing and other products to be sold in America, being paid only enough for food, and most certainly, less than the minimum wage mandated in America (the reason many jobs get shipped overseas.).

First off, I'd like to preface this with the fact that this is my first actual post on here, so I'm sorry if I tick anyone off. Plus, I'm not really a good writer. But this article kind of rubbed me the wrong way.

The article starts with this quote "These 13 ladies, whose lives were tragically cut short will always be remembered because they were hot and "a thing of beauty is a joy forever."" Not because of any actual accomplishments of their's. Just their smoking hot bods/corpses.

You know, I am tired of this whole bullshit of "what women want." I am talking about Maxim and other magazines, books and websites like www.askmen.com and "dating courses" that talk about what women want and the art of picking up women.

Pure and simple - if you want to know what the hell a woman wants, talk to her! Listen to her! Is that too fucking hard? It's a simple but novel idea, isn't it?

The thing that bothers me the most about it all is that these people treat women like they're all the same - that what one woman wants, other women want as well. And as a result, we get a bunch of fake relationships, based on these societal ideas of what women want, rather than based on individuality.

To be sure, there are certain things that we all want as human beings - someone who gives a shit, and perhaps someone who shares with us the same beliefs, values and convictions that we hold close to our hearts, but can we please stop treating women and men as though they have inate desires, wants and needs that are all the same.

What's even more pathetic is that most of the advice are very sexist, and to a certain extend, misogynistic. As a result, we've got jackasses making money off selling the idea of how to be the perfect men, and socially inept men buying into these ideas and treating women they way they think women want to be treated, rather than on what each individual woman wants.

Besides, why the hell would you change yourself just to fit into some woman's ideals of the perfect man, even if it is true that those are the characteristics she desires? I am me. I don't change for anyone. If I choose to stop eating meat, I will because I want to, not to date some crazy PETA woman. I didn't quit smoking to please any woman. I am not a feminist just to get with anyone. And I refuse to change myself for anyone.

Now, do you see why assumptions about genders hurt us all? Men can't be themselves and women are treated the way society assumes they want to be treated, rather than what each truly desires.

Now, I know that pharmacies refusing to honor prescriptions for contraception and the morning after pill have been discussed by the feministing ladies before, but I was just checking my e-mail and a link to this article was right in my face and I could not help but read it.

The thing that really bugs me the most about this kind of "pro-life" nonsense, especially in relation to certified pharmacists is: Doesn't a person take an oath (or something similar) when they become a pharmacist to help their patients/customers? They are well aware of the wide range of drugs that they will be dispensing in their position when they make their career choice. 

The manager of the pharmacy discussed in this article talks about how great it is that now, he doesn’t have to check his religious beliefs at the door when he goes to work. Instead, he can impose them on his community and customers!  Sounds like a great idea to me!  The other creepy part about this pharmacy is that it was blessed by a bishop...holy water sprinkled around the shop and all.  The bishop that blessed it states:

"'This pharmacy is a vibrant example of our Holy Father's charge to all of us to wear our faith in the public square,' said [Bishop] Loverde, who sprinkled holy water on the shelves stocked with painkillers and acne treatments. 'It will allow families to shop in an environment where their faith is not compromised.'"

Last time I checked, the medicine I take (for whatever reasons, be it a mere headache or a bad infection) has pretty much nothing to do with the religious beliefs that I hold.  It has to do with the concern for my own health.

I also would put money on the fact that this pharmacy probably distributes Viagra, Cialis and all those lovely ED "fighting" medications. 

Naturally, there is no mention of THAT in the article either way.

I'm a feminist because I see sexism everywhere around me, but sometimes I still wish I could just stop being a feminist.

There are a lot of people I used to be friends with that I rarely see anymore, either because I don't feel comfortable around their sexist attitudes or because they don't feel comfortable around my feminist attitudes. It's not that I can't talk about anything but overthrowing the patriarchy. It's just that once they associate me with the f-word they don't know how to relate to me anymore.

I'm starting to feel the strains on other friendships with men who just don't take feminism seriously. It's the classic "I'm entitled to my ignorance" privilege. Sure, you're feminist and that's fine, but I'm not sexist so I should never have to hear about it or think about it.

What do you make of this?

5 minutes ago, I had an experience that made me feel deliberately minimized and passed over. It was the tenth or twelfth of its kind, and the proverbial straw on the camel's back.

When I, a woman, am out walking by myself, men and women alike approach me for directions, help, or to ask questions about the city.

But when I am out walking with my partner (a man), things go differently. True, women address themselves to both me and my partner, looking from one face to the other. But men don't.

The men don't speak to me. They don't even look at me. Not even a nod or a blink in my direction. Suddenly, I don't even exist.

Okay, I'll start off will a small background on me. I'm the youngest in a family of 14 (most are half siblings). Anyway, I have seven older brothers and practically idolized them growing up. I was never "dainty" or "lady like", like my sisters wanted me to be. When it came to sports I was just as rough playing... if not rougher. I've never really liked things that society says I should. I'm loud and sarcastic. I sware enough to make a salior proud and maybe blush. I won't sit back, I'll say what's on my mind.

I don't know how much controversy it might cause for Terry Richardson to shoot (photographically) Obama, but I have to say despite his exploitation of female and female bodies in photography, I love Richardson's works for their raw aesthetic (and sexual) qualities as well as the guts.

Sorry about the last post. I followed feministing's directions for posting a photo, and it showed up in the editing box, so who knows what happened. Anyway, here is the purse in question. Also, for those who didn't catch the last post, here is the store that sells this purse.

Okay, I have to admit I've never reflected on this element of gender roles, but I'm glad the blogger brought it up.

On the other hand, I wish she HADN'T:

(1) Told women to avoid "throwing feminist hissy fits!"

(2) Told women to stop whining about being stuck with all the responbility, and just hunker down to the drudge work, already!

(3) Endorsed her interviewee's view to lower our expectations of men, because, if high, they will ever be dashed.

I like the first commenter's--Lily's-- response:

"I'll have as many expectations of men as I like, thank you."

OK, so I like weddings as much as the next person, honestly.

But religious weddings are like opening a completely new can of worms on what constitutes a "legitimate" marriage and never-ending love...especially when they're Catholic weddings.

I am sick of reading and hearing how easy divorce and premarital sex are breaking up society. I'm sick of being told that marriage, tradition and the nuclear family are a reliable formula for happiness and serving society, and how everything else is somehow inferior. You know why? Because I've grown up with the whole load: traditional nuclear family, working father, housewife mother, blahblahblah, and it's not all that.

The above might seem like I'm very naive, like I feel I've been duped by fairytales or something. That's not the case at all. Nor is it the case that I have an awful family. We're not bad. We're fine. We have our moments where we make a great team. But they are also the reason that I look to the modern way of doing things, the shedding of tradition, and am not scared at all. Because I have seen the other side of the situation. I have seen what it is like when two people who fell out of love twenty years ago remain married because it's 'proper', because they feel like they have no choice and they don't want to contribute to the apparently unfortunate epidemic of 'failed' marriages in society.

Berkeley woman misses flight when bra triggers alarm .

In the post-9/11 world of heightened airport scrutiny, Kates, like most travelers, is familiar with the drill: Take off shoes and belts, open the laptop, carry shampoo in 3 oz. bottles.

For Kates, on Sunday, though, the security check got too invasive. A big-busted woman wearing a large underwire bra, she set off the metal detector. She was pulled aside and checked by a female TSA agent with a metal-sensitive wand.

"The woman touched my breast. I said, 'You can't do that,' " Kates said. "She said, 'We have to pat you down.' I said, 'You can't treat me as a criminal for wearing a bra.' "

The last time I flew I wore a tight cami (barely containing 40DDs) under my shirt instead of a bra. But lots of women fly spontaneously, can't find wireless devices that fit, or feel naked without a wired bra and dislike being fondled (IN PUBLIC). Airport security is best describe as security theatre and is a total joke. (Like how I accidentally brought an opened coke bottle through security and was told if I wanted to drink it, I'd have to go back through the line. WHAT???)

I do martial arts. I'm not amazing, I'm not rubbish. But I'm certainly ambivalent about it. Some days I like it, sometimes I don't, and I'd have to say this is mainly to do with being a young female in a class of mostly older males. When I'm doing martial arts in a group is the only time I wish I could wave a wand and make myself male, or everyone else female. That would solve a million problems. Like, the guys not wanting to attack me properly, which is understandable, perhaps, but frustrating. They often assure me they 'won't hurt me' and 'not to be nervous', which annoys me no end. I am not nervous. I do not worry about getting hurt. No amount of saying this seems to convince anybody, since I'm the 'little girl' in with all the men. There are times I feel like taking something pink and frilly and whacking them over the head with it.

I've already posted something about this in response to Rebecca's post 'on touch', where I elaborate on this subject and talk about how the same guys who don't want to hit you will touch you on the arm or shoulder during conversation without a second thought. But that's another post.

Am I alone in this?

Another issue that's been simmering in my head, the issue of touch and personal space. Prompted by an event I'll explain a little later in this post.

I am really, really touch-shy. I jump if someone puts their hand on my shoulder; I apologize if I accidentally touch someone else in a crowd. It doesn't matter who - I don't like my parents touching my stomach or my feet or my hair either, or my grandmother patting my behind or putting her hand on my leg. (I'm only waiting for the day when I have to tell my mother, "Ten years from now, do you really want 'I love you' to be a valid excuse for letting someone touch me when I don't want them to?") I get awkward and confused when greeting relatives I don't see often and kissing them on the cheek.

Hello Feministing-ers, I'm seeking career advice.  I've been so impressed by the support this cyber-community offers, and I'm hoping that your diverse experiences can provide me with a bit of guidance.  I began my undergraduate education assuring my parents that a B.A. in English Literature would be a safe route to law school.  But ever since I opted to have an abortion last fall, I've been hesitant to pursue this career path.  Now, I feel compelled and impassioned to interact with women per reproductive health, perhaps through pregnancy options counseling, or in some other related capacity.  I'm entering my senior year of college (set to graduate in May with a major in English and a minor in Gender and Women's Studies), and I'm unsure of how to fulfill these aspirations.  MSW?  MPH?  MPH with a concentration in maternal and child health?  I'm leaning towards a master's in social work. 

I would love to hear about your experiences in these fields.  Any advice will be much appreciated!

Hi, I'm new here, but I just thought I'd post this:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1042702/Time-Warp-Wives-Meet-women-really-live-past.html

These British women live like people did in the 1930s, 40s and 50s respectively. I do not have a problem with them doing this, but why only do the good parts? In the 1930s there was the Depression. In the 40s there was World War II. In the 1950s, and the rest of these time periods as well, women had less rights than they do now. Why would you want to act this out? I could understand if it was only at a convention or something like that, but every day? Also, I believe this is an example of white privilege. I could never do this, being Black and living in Georgia. I would hate it.

Thoughts?

There is much ado about the color of tools these days. Pink tools being the hottest topic. First of all, I have to point out the glaring underlying fact here….WE ACTUALLY HAVE TOOLS MADE FOR WOMEN TO ARGUE OVER!

I worked from 1978 to 2004 as a carpenter and there was no debate. Other than the ounce weight of my hammer, and whether or not I could handle a worm drive power saw. I was limited to what was available, and they were all built and designed with men in mind.

I wore rain gear where the crotch hit my knees (and i wasn’t trying to emulate a gang look); I had to use suspenders to hold my tool belt on so it wouldn’t slip off because they weren’t made small enough; shoved insole inserts into the smallest men’s steel toed boots I could find so I wouldn’t walk out of them as I took a step - and that was just the apparel problem!

The tools themselves were generally too large in circumference for me to grip well. I had to do things like always cut my framing hammer down in length so the end of it wouldn’t bruise my forearm as I swung it. I always had to custom build my own saw horses. I love those new ones now that are made out of heavy plastic and fold up easily so you can throw them in your rig with ease, not to mention store away nicely. No - I had these monster wooden ones so they were low enough for me to work on without feeling like a little kid reaching up to a counter.

I could go on, but here’s the point. Count your blessings that there are some industrious minds out there manufacturing tools sized for the smaller stature of women (and even smaller men). I am not big on the pink thing either…and I know there are various reasons for making tools that color.

As a rule I try not to spend too much time reading the utter nonsense hate rhetoric so many people let out in the media because I've always felt it's just a waste of time.  I know the most valuable use of my time as a feminist is to always be looking at myself and my own actions and thoughts so as to be a leading example in my community but sometimes I give in and spend a good hour or so just reading general idiotic sexist/racist hateful ramblings and letting myself vent and get angry.

This, however, took the motherfucking cake.

I can't even wrap my brain around it. I feel like my eyes are going to melt out of my face. I read everything, including the lovely FAQ where 'your "uncle" "had his way with you"' since most women love to LIE ABOUT INCESTUOUS RAPE.

What's so frustrating for me, other than the obvious hatred throughout the site, is that the tone and wording these sorts of people always use just so clearly imply that women are whorish, base, impulsive creatures too stupid to make good decisions and who lie without a second thought as to what they're doing. Find me the women who gleefully and mindlessly walks into an abortion clinic. Newsflash: you can't.

I'm so angry I can't even think straight right now.

Okay so I’m a scientist myself and I look at things in a very analytical kind of way, but when I saw this I truly wanted to go lock myself up in a cage in some lab, so perhaps I could feel like a lab rat. This particular article talks about how the pill messes up with a woman’s ability to pick a good mate. Okay so I’ve heard that when a woman is ovulating she is more attracted to men who fit the characteristics of a good father, whereas other times of the month she is attracted to whomever. So when I read this I thought what a bunch of shit.

Ok. So I’m not really sure how or even if this is a feminist issue, but I do know for damn sure that I am a feminist and I am pissed off .

Just some background info; my full given name is Elizabeth but most everyone stopped calling me that in the sixth grade. I actually prefer that acquaintances, teachers, etc to call me Liz. However; my close friends (and of course my family) call me Lizzy.

Anyway, on to the present. I started a summer job working in a coffee shop in June. Since then my boss (a general sort of creepster, if you will) has referred to me as honey, sweetie and once even cutie. None of these “names” stuck very long because I addressed him politely and privately about it and nothing else was said. In fact, I told him in all three discussions that I prefer to be called Liz. Straight up. And yesterday he called me Lizzy! I was completely taken aback. Now I know I’m only 19 and I do suppose there’s something to be said for world experience, yada yada yada that I may not have but this man certainly does. Since when is it ok to completely disregard someone’s preferences for what they would like to be called and just come up with your own??

I really don’t know what to say, in fact I’m a little afraid to say anything at all because I’m nervous that he’ll just say I’m irrationally overreacting. Am I? Should I just suck it up for the two and a half weeks I have left at this place? Does anyone else have this problem of others taking whatever liberties they want with your name? Is it worse in urban areas? (I live in southern Vermont and go to school in the biggest city [Burlington] pop 40,000) If you have a more traditionally ethnic name? Can someone please restore my sanity?

An Ode to My Boyfriend

 So, this may not be the typical feminist post, but hear me out!

 Just over a year ago, I was involved with someone else. He was an alcoholic who regularly put down my feminist ideals. He was hateful about it, expressing his diehard belief that feminism was harmful to men and that he just didn’t buy the arguments. He was probably the biggest subscriber to backlash bullshit that I’ve ever encountered.

Definitely not.

Can we start a thread where we discuss the reactions we get when telling people for the first time that we are feminists? You know, the "so, do you shave your legs" kinds of statements that reveal how little the general public really knows about feminism?      

My favorite? After I know someone for a few weeks and then they paint me as the exception to the rule..."well, you are the good, rational, kind of feminist".     Thanks?     I'm still waiting to meet this bad, unrational, feminist that all of these other folks have met/heard of.

My paternal grandmother died when I was four. Naturally, I don't remember her that well, except that she was eager to please. She bought me and my brother piles of presents whenever we went to see her, without any special occasion, and they would always be wrapped up in nice paper. She had many cats, and wore sweaters with cats on them. Until recently, I always regarded her very brief relationship with me as being pretty much wasted because it was cut short. It's only since the death of my grandfather that I've been really able to appreciate her as a person in her own right and see her life it for what it was, and what it means for me as a feminist.

Growing up with an oppressive but wealthy family, she was a debutante and then married the man they wanted her to marry, my grandfather. She had five children and at least one miscarriage. My mother lived with her for a while and from what she has since told me about their conversations, my grandma constantly spoke about how much she hated her husband and that he would never help with the children. Whilst she was pushing the pram along with all her children in tow, he marched ahead pretending he wasn't with her. She had an eating disorder and hoarded empty jars and numerous teasets. When we cleared out the house after my grandfather's death, we found an entire pile of my grandma's sketches of women just staring into the distance, blank-eyed.

At 65, she died of pnemonia. My grandfather did not believe she was truly ill and told her to stop malingering.

I don't know if anyone else will be interested by this. But I've been thinking about her a lot lately, and about all the women of her generation. I would be very interested to know if anyone reading this has a female ancestor who influences them as a feminist and reminds them what they have to fight for.

From reading the posts and comments on the community site since it started, I have noticed that we seem to have a community made up of people from all over the world.  I am curious to know how widespread our community is. 

So, it's simple - where are you from? If you are from a country with a lot of states/provinces, include that info in your comment too!  In addition to satisfying my (and probably others) curiousity, this could also lead to being able to ask questions of people from a country you would want to know more about! (I realize there will hopefully be lots and lots of comments on this post - I hope this doesn't cause any techinical issues!)

To begin: I am from Sarnia, Ontario, Canada.

I like seeing Monty every week, but I like showing off my own dog more.  So I thought a community version of "Monday Monty Blogging" would be fun.

Here's my Monday Zelda Blog. Silly Min Pin Edition.

One of the biggest struggles in my life has been being taken seriously.  I grew up in a seriously screwed up family; my dad always thought everything was about him so emotions that he didn't feel or agree with weren't supposed to exist.  Either that or he would pretend to share your feelings just so he could feel good about himself, but it was obvious that it wasn't about acknowledging that I was hurt or upset, it was about building his ego even more.  His multiple wives resisted this, but as a young child, I didn't know any better.  The older I've gotten, the less willing I am to take his crap, to the point that I won't even speak with him anymore because I know the conversation is going to be all about him. 

The other day I was sitting with my boyfriend and one of his friends, and I brought up the name of my car. Its name is "Sebastian." I named him that because of an old teacher I had and not after a certain singing lobster, but that's not the point.

I inform my boyfriend and his friend (who are both crazy car guys) of Sebastian's name, and they start this whole discussion about how its a funny name for a girl. I of course ask them why they think its a girls name when its clearly a boys name.

Well apparently the car gods that be have deemed that cars can only be named girls names because pieces of machinery are obviously female.

Even though I was boiling with rage and wanted to smack someone, I calmly asked why a car can only be named a girls name...and they couldn't answer me. Their answer was "Its just the way it is." In fact I kept asking and they kept saying that. So (naturally) I went on a rampage and yelled... a lot.

Then I thought and realized that most people who name their cars do only name them with female names. Even the girls that I know have their cars with girl's names. (the only exception is a friend who has the "Weasley Mobile" becuase her car is a beater... i'm a nerd i know.)

Because I was so angry, whenever I refer to my car now, I refer to it in the masculine sense or in the gender neutral sense. I still get some odd stares from the boyfriend and company because apparently all car guys still see cars as female, but its my stand against a small injustice in the world.

Ride Strong Sebastian. Ride Strong.

Even though I kinda had to reinvent myself to do it. Please, ignore the "a.k.a" that is only for MovableType which apparently doesn't like me.

For my first community post I'm going to recap a conversation I overheard while waiting for friends at a bar:

There were three people, a couple (man and woman) and their gay friend. I don't know how long the (straight) boyfriend had known the gay friend but it probably couldn't have been long as the boyfriend quickly started asking asinine questions about the "sexual" nature of gay life. What was he curious about? What else but "Who's the woman, when, you know, you're...you know."

At this point I set down my drink and tried my best not to look like I was listening in, even though I totally was. The gay friend explained the whole, "top and bottom" situation adding that very few gay men do both, a lot of them are either one or the other and the more "aggressive" gay men (read: masculine) are the tops. This pretty much confirmed for the boyfriend that there are "women" in gay relationships and he proceeded to ask a question that not only shocked me but also his girlfriend by the expression on her face.

He leaned across the table (yeah, at this point I'm not even pretending I'm not eavesdropping) and proposes a question to the gay friend that someone had proposed to him: What would you rather have, a daughter or a gay son?

Now, this is when his girlfriend's expression got all squiggy and the gay friend just kinda leaned back, trying to laugh it off but the boyfriend was having none of it, adding, "I'm serious, it's a legitimate question. What would you rather have?"

The gay friend looks to the girlfriend, probably for help but she's still staring at her boyfriend like, "WTF?" and he stutters out an "I don't know," which of course doesn't satisfy the boyfriend, who volunteers that he'd rather have a gay son because he wouldn't want to raise a girl in this "Britney Spears" world. He looks to his girlfriend for backup and this and she just stares at him, mouth slightly agape. I'd like to think that in this moment she was weighing her options.

I could give him credit for the fear of raising a young girl in an overly sexualized environment, but then I realize he'd choose not to have a girl at all if given the option because he probably fears his daughter will end up a slut. Methinks he'd be one of those dads who'd greet his daughter's dates at the front door with a shotgun, so it's probably for the best if he doesn't ever have a daughter.

What gets me about this question is that the boyfriend probably didn't realize that in this version of "fuck or die" he made the worst two possible options for parents a daughter and a gay son, (because, even if the daughter were a lesbian, she's still female and thus, still a bad option) failing to realize that those very people were sitting AT THE SAME BOOTH with him. He saw nothing wrong with the question in that, no matter what, it's understood that the best possible option for parents is a straight son, which in this day and age is sad.

I continued to sip my beer, counting off the minutes until my friends arrived, which thankfully, was soon.

So, how was your weekend?